Letter to my Grandma Hilo "One Year Later"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Dedicated to my grandma, i would like to look at this, when im all grown up, and remember, respect, and learn from what ive been through, its about life, love, death, growing up, and leaving alone the things you cannot change

Submitted: January 26, 2009

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Submitted: January 26, 2009

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dedicated to grandma hilo “one year later”

its been a whole year since you’ve been gone, and i’ve learned alot so much has changed and grown only some things are still the same i guess thats how it goes...the new is forced upon all of us it’s january 24th, and today changed how i look at things at this time last year, i was a kid, i never savored anything i did things and left them behind, with out a glance back who knew, looking back, i’d give anything to go into the past...when it was easy when we all went to hilo to visit you grandma, we would turn in, and see the all but forgotten red house, about to fall, held up by some miracle, we all know now was really you... me and ashley walked up the broken steps, escaping the ducks bellow we would walk in and see you and grandpa, like always, watching your fuzzy tv in the kitchen...you would give us each a 20 without my dad seeing... and after passing a composition of shells, we would enter one of the bedrooms to the left, where you would force us to take some of the millions of huge stuffed animals off your hands. and i want to let you know, my dad loves you so much, we all do. as the family came together at rueben's because, one year of your passing i looked down the table, looked at every smiling face, and wondered what kinds of thoughts they were thinking, what kinds of aches do they have, is the smile on their face just a lie.... your kids were your life, and you were such a strong lady. and i dont say that because of the things you said...no... i say that because i know now the things you did...the aches you’ve had...the life you lived, yet it came so simple..and you left in your sleep, hopefully content. you’ve raised some good people...the slickest greasers around, the most hardworking and passionate people i’ve met. since you left, alot has happened... sometimes i hate my heart, because it wants what it cant have, and then i hate my mind, because it asks why... i hate that most things are temporary, everything seems to end, and leave, break, give up, find something new, die... seems like we are living in some kind of toon town... so many things in the past years have ended, and i couldn’t do anything about it.. i actually thought i found something true, thats would last...forever babe? the words were like a warm blanket in the freezing cold... smooth as silk, and i wrapped it around my empty, yearning and still learning heart... i believed it, i wanted so bad for it to be true.... i held on to it...too tightly and so it became a part of me... but it too slipped away, leaving a bloody gash where it had been when looking closer....i realized it was transparent..an illusion it started taking it back, taking everything back, with out a care... slowly seeping in to the past... my body shook with betrayal and disillusionment i hated being me, being inside of my mind... it kept asking questions that i had no answers to why?....i just dont know...why? i just dont know!...why!? i just dont know! why deja? why did you not see it earlier, why deja? did you let it in...why? does it have to be this way... dont even try to understand... i wanted to put on smile...a true smile i wanted to laugh without feeling guilty i wanted so bad to take a breath....a solid, filling breath but how could i, when i was left with yet another hole in my heart but grandma...you never left a hole in my heart when you left because i know i could see you again... through a secret that anyone can know about, but most choose not too.. but you will be...for eternity...and i hope i'm there to greet you... you will never worry again...where you will be, there are only tears of joy there are no such thing as tears of despair... oh i so hope i will be there to see it i hope we are all there.... its so easy, yet somehow, so hard.... i would like to see your face again, ask you a few questions.... and if i could bring you back here right now...and have you back with all of us here.. i couldn't do it, i just wouldn't do it to you... for what? to have you here, so you can eventually leave again...no i dont like this temporary business.... my love is sincere...your love was and will be.... after you left.... grandpa did too.... i dont think he could live without you... now, i do believe you can die of a broken heart... but thats only when you have true love when you look into each-others eyes, and never want to look away when the magic never seems to die when you arent afraid to love because you are totally positive that he loves you back... when anyone in the world could walk by...but they dont hinder anything... when you dont see them, like you do him, you dont want anything in the world, but to know he loves you... you love him when you are with him...then why wouldn't you love him light-years away? when your “i love you”s were an enrapture you spent so many years with your husband and the two of you became one, i guess...when one part goes...so does the other... but today, somehow, someway, the holes in my heart was filled... i saw my dads face light up, and tears of joy and of heart roll down his cheek something that was there when my mom was still in love with him, when we were a family, when i had no worries in my mind.... that thing was his yellow 57 chevy, its temporary home was in hilo, but it belongs in waimea...its real home so today, in honor of you grandma, he finally decided to bring it home he put his baby on the trailer, and started driving, all of us looking back at it... it was beautiful and special, full of the haunting memories of the past, in back of us... as we drove out of hilo, we had to pay homage to the places in hilo that meant something to us...the places we wanted living in that car. so we drove to uncle kens tow shop....took a picture of my dad with his hands in the air we turned around and went to the place it all started...antonio’s auto repair.. he got out of the truck...and bowed down... next stop was a place where my dad spent many memorable summers, many smiles, many laughs, sunny days he though would never end...your house we stopped and took a second, with fire and rain playing, we used to have our backs turned towards the sun, until the cold wind blew and turned our heads around. we looked at the house you once lived in... knowing if we opened the doors, you wont be there.... but somehow, today, it felt like you could have been...

and we drove away...

funny, how things are, how things are going to be, how things have been, and how things will never be... the things that are, will inevitably be the things that have been and the things that will never be, cannot be the things that are going to be. and ultimately grandma hilo, since you left, ive learned.. that the old is just as good as the new...if anything..better i learned that i have to let go of the things that cannot be. I’ve realized im getting older, and there is no turning back now. its all up to you...what you will do in the time you are given my day will come, when i will be happy...as long as i stay true to myself... and i also found an answer to all the why?’s that were torturing me... why? because nothing is real in toon town....


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