The security of our homes can be taken away from us so easily. We never realise how easily until something happens to you. You will always think ‘that won’t happen to me’, but the truth is anything can happen. Anything can happen at any given moment, and you could lose everything you ever earned, everyone you ever loved, you could lose it all.
I remember thinking my home was safe. Thinking my room was safe. I remember thinking someone is watching over me. I remember going to sleep that night, feeling happy, content, safe. Safe in my home, safe in my room, safe in my own bed.
The truth is, your home should be a place where nothing bad happens to you, it’s where you live, it’s a part of who you are. Key words, it should be. Just because it should be, doesn’t mean that someone won’t take that away from you.
I remember waking up, I saw the wall at first, then I turned around and I saw him. He was standing right in front of me with a sick smile on his face. I remember staring wide eyed as I saw what he had in his hand. As soon as I saw what he held, I knew he had hurt my family. I panicked, I tried to scream, I tried to cry, but nothing happened, no sound, no tears, nothing. He laughed at me, and made a move towards me. I pulled myself up to the corner of my bed. I knew it was stupid, but what else was I to do? My voice didn’t work, and it’s not like I was safe in my own home anymore. He said something, but I couldn’t hear him, then he turned around and walked out of my room. I sat there shaking, then the tears started falling. Why was I the one left? Why did he leave me? Why my home? Why my family? What did I do wrong? Why am I still living?
I remember sitting there staring at the door. I heard movement out in the living room, I heard muffled screams. Just as I got up and got to my door, the door swung open, and the man shoved me on the floor and had my mother. My mother was wide eyed and frantic. I felt the tears build, I tried to hold them back, but they fell anyways. “Say goodbye.” Was the last thing I remember hearing.
I remember watching my mother being murdered, I remember trying to look away, I tried screaming. The man looked at me and said something, but again, I couldn’t hear. I remember the man coming up to me and putting the knife to my throat. After that, everything became a blur.
Within the blur, I remember him walking out, leaving me with my now dead mother. I somehow had managed to scramble to the phone and dialed 911. All I could say “help”, over and over again. I remember staring at my mother on the floor, watching the pool of blood growing around her. I remember feeling so helpless, so confused, so angry. I remember waking up in the hospital. I remember being discharged, but everything between waking up and being discharged is all one massive blur. I knew I couldn’t move back there. I took care of my mother, she needed me. I failed her. I let her get killed. I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless.
I wandered the streets for hours. I walked and walked until I couldn’t walk anymore. I ended up at my brother’s front step. I sat there for a while before having the courage to face him, to tell him what happened. Instead, the front door opened, and he came and sat beside me. I looked up at him and started crying. He held me. I felt him trembling. Then I realised, he already knew what happened. Time had passed, I don’t know how much time had passed, but he stood up, and helped me up and took me inside.
Looking back on everything now, I can’t say anything about it. The security of my home was stripped away from me. I never feel safe within my home. I never feel safe with family, with friends. That man stole any security I felt. Just that night, my life was turned upside down, and I haven’t been the same person since. I lost a woman who meant everything to me, and for some reason, that man let me live. Did he let me live to suffer? Is he watching me? Why did he let me live? Does he know what I’m feeling? Is he still alive? I knew they never found the man, and I will never have answers to my questions, I just have to try to move on. Right, move on. But I’ll never feel safe.
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