I've been hiding for awhile, figuratively and literally. I've been in the closet for years, why? Why would anyone that identifies as anything other than straight stay in the closet? Well, here's my story.
I am 18 years of age. I have lived in a small town in the world for my whole life, and everything was going swell. I lost my father at the young age of 7, the first man that I had to wave good- bye too. Lost, and confused that was the first year after he died. I waved good- bye to my mother who was consumed by her grief and filled the empty hole in her heart with alcohol. That's when my adventure began, I moved into my older sister's home. She took me away from the pain that I would have dealt with, yes, I was still damaged by the mother's boyfriends and her (mother), but I was out of there.
My sister is one of the most influential people in my life. Yes, we have rough patches, but it would be weird if we didn't. My sister has taught me many life lessons, and for that I thank her. One of the best things she has taught me is that it is okay to be you, to be different, and stand out. Because without standing out, who the hell are you in the world? Just another spec of dust.
Thursday, June 19, 2014.
June 19, I came out to my best friend, my sister and my mother.
Coming out was hard for me, it's hard for most people. Why was it hard for me? It was hard for me because of my mom. My mom is what I would call old fashioned. In her generation anybody who did not identify as straight shouldn't be allowed, it's not right, there's something wrong with them, it's a choice that we make, and it's the wrong one. It should always be a man and a woman together, not man and man, woman and woman. I've been hypothetical with my mother for years, "what would you do if one of us weren't straight?" "I would disown you." I would disown you, the hardest point in my life. My mother would disown me. I shoved my feelings so far back into the closet, and all the way down to the cellar of my heart, it wasn't coming out until the day I died... or Thursday, June 19, 2014 after I graduated. How could I be open with my mother when she said straight to my face that she would disown me? It was hard.
Thursday, June 19, 2014. My best friend was crazy supportive. "I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A LESBIAN BESTIE...wait, you said male and female, I HAVE A BI BESTIE!" She made my anxiety levels dramatically decrease, and made me start laughing like she always does. I felt safe, at least I knew I would still have her in my life.
Next up, was my sister and my mother. I wasn't sure if I should sit down with them together or separate. I went with talking to my mother first. I asked her if we could go outside and talk, but something happened just after that and I ended up as a mess crying. "What's wrong? Talk to me, what happened?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her anymore. It was hard, the words disown you kept popping back into my head. I took a deep breath, tried to calm the hysteria, and laughed. I told her vaguely at first, and she didn't understand. I sighed, and then braced myself for the words that were about to leave my mouth.
"I'm nervous, I'm scared of what you will think." I said, looking down at my hands.
"I'll always love you, nothing can change that." She said looking me in the eyes.
"I'm not straight. I'm bisexual. I'm into both, guys and girls."
The moment of truth. She looked at me, serious face, and said "Nothing will ever stop me from loving you." The best moment of my life, she made me feel okay. The words that were once stuck in my head were no longer there, they vanished. I stood up, she stood up, and we hugged one another for a solid minute. It was reassuring, she wouldn't tell me to leave, she wouldn't stop loving me, I was and always be, her daughter.
My sister was next, I went into her bedroom knowing what I wanted to say, just unsure of how to say it. But I knew she would be okay with this, she never showed any anger/ hate towards anyone other than straight. In the end she smiled at me, and said she's always known. That right there, just shows me how much she actually pays attention even when I don't think she does. It was easy with her, it has been since I opened up to her a year ago.
Here's a question I've already been faced with though, "How did you know? When did you know?"
I don't think I could say I ever knew when per se, I can say that I've felt more compelled to come out more now than ever. I've been reading/ listening to a lot of people's coming out stories, and I figured if I tell the people closest to me now, then if they aren't happy, I'm leaving in two months anyways. How did I know? I've always known...no. For awhile there I was in denial, because I had a bad first relationship. I thought I was just turned off because of the guy who happened to be an asshole, and that's all it was. But that wasn't the case at all, yeah he was an ass, and still is, that doesn't change anything. But, I think I've always sort of known, I just kept it well hidden in the back of my mind.
By the end of Thursday, June 19, 2014... I was and am happy. I'm happy that I opened up to some family and my best friend. I'm happy that they're okay with it. But most of all, I'm happy with myself. I opened up, and yes, I still have to tell the rest of my family, but if they don't accept me, that's okay, because I know that these three people will always accept me.
I am forever thankful, and that this ended the way it did.
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