He Loved Me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
The memoir of Sarah Hanson. How one girl loved and let love die.

Submitted: May 14, 2011

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Submitted: May 14, 2011

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If only I could see the future, I would have seen this coming. Heck, no one saw it coming but him. I don’t blame myself much for not seeing the signs. Don’t you think his girlfriend would have known?

Maybe one of his friends or perhaps his parents would have been told? Why did it seem so untimely but it wasn’t? Most people have no idea how they’re going to die. Most people don’t even know that they will die. But he knew. He knew and he didn’t tell anyone. Not even me.

 

Freshman year was great. He made it that way. That was the first time I laid eyes on him and honestly, I couldn’t stop thinking about him ever since.

He was a junior yet we had the same Spanish class. He and his friends sat at a table with me. I still remember our first test in that class perfectly.

“Class, today is our test and I hope you studied because I’ll be giving you no help,” our teacher announced. She was a small woman with a sweet smile.

Everyone groaned at my table besides me. “Man, I didn’t study at all,” Jordan said. I smiled at him involuntarily. It was something I found myself doing very often and I quickly tried to stop myself but he was just so gorgeous, it was hard to deny myself of a smile around him.

“You think I did? I spent the whole day and night at Julia’s yesterday,” his friend claimed.

They went around the table explaining what they did during the weekend and why they were going to be screwed for the test. He turned to me and all the cells in my body were called to attention.

“You’re smart right? You studied?” Jordan asked me and I nodded slowly and hesitantly. “Can we copy?” he asked.

I nodded again. “Just don’t make it obvious,” I whispered. He smiled and wrote his name on the test. Luckily the teacher was paying no attention to the class as she turned her back on us to work on her computer.

We exchanged answers and they put down a random answer every once in awhile to make it look like they weren’t copying.

I was the first to put my test up and they each waited two minutes after the other to turn the rest in. He held his hand up and I gave him a silent high five.

Every test after that he would copy my answers only if he had no idea what the answer was. At the end of the year, he told me how lucky he was to sit next to me all year. I never told him how lucky I felt.

 

Sophomore year got better in my opinion. He started dating this cheerleader and he was in my Spanish class again. He greeted me warmly the first day and gave me a hug.

When the teacher didn’t sit us next to each other, he sat next to me anyway. “You’re going to get us in trouble,” I told him.

He shrugged. “It’s my last year, who cares?” he said nonchalantly. I giggled and went back to the notes.

“You should be writing these down. I think I’m going to try covering my answers this year,” I teased him.

“Aw, now that’s just evil,” he said as he got out a piece of paper and a pencil. He messily scrawled out everything written on the slide and I chuckled.

 

Weeks went on. His girlfriend became loose and hung about other guys when he wasn’t around. I never said anything to him about it. He seemed to know already.

“Are you going to my party tonight?” he asked me one Friday. I nodded, unable to say no to him. He gave me his award-winning smile and returned his focus to his work.

That night, mom let me go with no questions asked. She simply didn’t care what I did. She had her own troubles as she struggled to keep her bakery.

 

When I entered his house, he found me instantly and clung to me. “Glad you could make it,” he claimed as his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

“Yea, me too,” I told him. He passed me a drink and I took it. It burned going down but after a few more sips I learned to expect it. “Where’s your girlfriend?” I asked him.

He shook his head. “Couldn’t make it,” he replied.

“Too bad,” I whispered under my breath. The rest of the night we danced and talked and had a few drinks. He led me upstairs and into a room. “Is this your room?” I asked him.

He nodded and kissed me. It took me a moment to respond but when I did, I was completely all over him. Our hands roamed each other’s bodies as he laid me down on his bed. The night escalated from there as we undressed each other without breaking contact at any given second.

 

The next morning I tried to shield my eyes from the strong sunlight, radiating through the room. I realized Jordan was naked, lying next to me and I was still naked too. He looked at me and I began to get self-conscious.

I got out of bed, pulling the sheets around me as I grabbed my clothes into a pile. “What are you doing?” he asked me with a frown on his face.

“I really shouldn’t have done what I did last night. You have a girlfriend,” I reminded him.

He looked pensive for a moment. Maybe remembering he had a girlfriend. Maybe thinking about what she would think. It hurt to watch him, knowing how selfishly I gave in to him and how much trouble I probably caused. I turned to continue walking to his bathroom, clothes in hand.

“I love you," he started and I stopped in my tracks and turned to him. "I’ve always wanted you and we have this entire day to ourselves before I have to face the party wreckage downstairs. Please, just don’t leave yet,” he said as he got out of bed. He didn’t even bother covering himself up and my eyes averted downward. How did I fit that last night?

“Love me?” I asked. He nodded and came over to stand in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and dipped his head to kiss my lips.

“Ever since you started helping me in Spanish class last year,” he told me as his lips kissed my neck and jaw line.

I followed him back to the bed and we made love many times that day. The power, endurance, and stamina he had, who knew he was sick.

I went home that night and my mom didn’t even ask questions. She was up to her head in her work and I didn’t dare to bother her.

 

Monday rolled around and he was hanging out with his girlfriend. They acted as a happy couple and I found myself finding reasons to not sit next to him in Spanish class. I would help the teacher and sit in the front row or sit next to native speakers in hopes of getting better at the language.

No one knew. Six months before his graduation and I figured out I was pregnant. I went over to his house to tell him. At first I feared he would deny it was his and demand I have an abortion.

“Really?” he asked me as his face lit up. I nodded and he picked me up and spun me around. “This is great,” he yelled and I laughed slightly out of confusion and discomfort.

I didn’t understand his happiness. I didn’t question it though. All I knew was that he was proud of our baby and he broke up with his girlfriend the very next day.

He began to hang out with me. We sat together like a real couple. He would always rub my stomach. The baby wasn’t even showing yet but he felt the need to rub me and occasionally speak to it.

His friends would join us every once in awhile. They felt the need to speak to my stomach too. I laughed and joked with them, always feeling safe with Jordan’s arms wrapped around me.

My stomach grew and my mother didn’t even have time to notice. Jordan took me to an ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender.

“Looks like a boy,” the doctor said. I turned to give Jordan a smile and a tear was running down his face. I reached up to kiss him and he held so much emotion as he kissed me back.

A week before his graduation and the truth finally came out. One of his friends, Trevor, called me to say Jordan was in the hospital. He came to pick me up and we drove there as quickly as possible.

That’s when we were told. That’s when his secret leaked out. The last few moments of his life, I hated him. I hated him for not telling me the truth.

“You’re dying of cancer?” I questioned even though I knew it was true. He nodded. “How long did you know?” I asked.

“They told me a week before school started,” he replied.

Tears welled up in my eyes. He knew for so long and didn’t bother telling me anything. “Glad I mean enough to get me pregnant but so little to tell me you were dying,” I cried before leaving his hospital room.

I ran. I ran down the hallway and into the stairwell. About a few flights down, I felt a pain in my belly and stopped. I rested on the stairs and cried. I sobbed so loud, I was surprised no one heard me.

All of my feelings poured out of me as I sit on the steps. I cried until no sound came out and there were no more tears to shed. I stood up slowly and tried to regain my composure, taking deep breaths as I wiped my face. I was missing his last minutes and I'd never forgive myself if he passed away thinking I hated him.

I came back in just at the perfect moment. His face was scrunched up in pain and I rushed to his side. “Baby, I’m sorry,” I told him.

“I love you and I love our baby and I want you to promise me you’ll keep him,” he said to me with tears in his eyes.

I nodded. “I will. I could never get rid of him.”

He smiled through his pain. “You mean so much to me,” he said and those were his last words. Everything went haywire and I was pushed out of the room as doctors and nurses flooded the scene.

Trevor held me close as I cried and wet his shirt until it looked like he just came back from a water park. He drove me home and I didn’t speak to anyone for weeks.

My mom went on a trip to Europe. She figured she’d have better luck as a baker out there and wanted to broaden her horizons or something like that. She left me here alone and she still didn’t notice I was pregnant.

The door bell rang and this time I actually opened my door. I saw Trevor in my door frame and stepped outside to talk with him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“You have to be at his will reading. They won’t do it without you,” he told me.

I sighed and got into his car wearing sweats, my hair frizzy, and my eyes probably red. We drove to the church and sat down in a small room as the priest read off everything Jordan had written before he died.

Everyone seemed to get something and I sat there wondering what I truly meant to him. Then my name was called and I perked up.

“And to my sweet Sarah, I leave my toys. I want my baby to have all the things he wants. I also leave you with my checking and savings accounts. Don’t think for even a minute that I didn’t love you. I love you and still do. Getting you pregnant wasn’t an accident. I knew what I was doing and I knew who I was doing it with.

“I want you to carry my child. I didn’t tell you I was dying earlier because I knew you would freak out. You and everyone else would treat me like a baby and try to do things for me. I didn’t want that. I wanted to have a family of my own.

“I knew I wouldn’t live long enough to see my kid but just knowing it was growing inside of you was good enough for me. I knew if I told you I was dying I wouldn’t have gotten a chance. A chance with you was all I ever wanted and what I pretty much lived for.

“I won’t forget you and now that you have my kid, I know you won’t forget me either. I left my mark in the world and I’m proud to say that I shared it with you,” the priest read the will.

Tears silently fell from my eyes. He knew he was going to get me pregnant. Most guys just simply plan to not die a virgin. He wanted to make sure his mark was made in the world and I had helped him do that.

I rubbed my belly lightly and reflected on everything I heard. In the next few days his accounts were transferred to my name and I vowed not to touch that money for anything else other than the baby’s college fund.

The next few days, Trevor stayed at my house. He made sure I was okay after I told him my mom left. He took care of me and when I went into labor, he drove me to the hospital and waited all those hours, patiently holding my hand and trying to soothe me.

Kyle Jordan McMasters was born on August 4, 2008; almost exactly three months after his father died. When I got home from the hospital, mom had left crazy voicemails. The hospital called her when I was omitted.

The frustration in her voice didn’t do much to make me feel good and Kyle cried constantly, feeling my anger.

“You can live with me,” Trevor offered.

I sighed and looked at him. “But you need to go to college and I need to take care of my kid. How will we pay for a place?” I asked.

Trevor made it work though. In the next month, I was moved in with him and enrolled in high school for junior year. He was going to university and Kyle went to a day care not too far from my school.

Trevor and I grew close and although no one could ever take Jordan’s place, Trevor sure found his own space in my heart. We sat watching TV one night and he suddenly turned to me and pecked my lips.

I looked at him for a moment before licking my lips to taste him again. I quickly pulled him to me and we started a heated session before Kyle started crying over the monitor. I smiled at Trevor and went to tend to my baby.

Trevor was sweet with baby Kyle. He would make this obnoxious face and Kyle would laugh hysterically with his adorable baby laugh.

Junior year skipped by quickly and senior year was easy considering I only needed a few more classes to graduate. I left school before lunch and spent the rest of my day with my baby.

My graduation was great and I had a few acquaintances that congratulated me but the best feeling was Kyle’s little arms and Trevor’s strong ones hugging me.

We went out to eat and when we got back I was ready for bed. Kyle ran about the house with all the energy in the world. I looked at Trevor and thanked him for a wonderful night.

“It’s not over yet,” he told me as he got down on one knee in front of me. I sat up from my lazy pose on the couch and looked at him. He pulled out a ring box from his pocket and my hand covered my mouth, trying to conceal my gasp.

“Sarah Hanson,” he paused to give me a nervous smile, “will you marry me?”

I smiled and nodded, my vocal chords temporarily cut off making it impossible to answer until he slipped the ring on my finger. “Yes, of course I will,” I told him as I got down on my knees to kiss him.

“Yes will,” Kyle repeated me and I laughed as I broke the kiss. He waddled over to us and I picked him up as I stood up.

“It’s bed time mister,” I told him and then looked at Trevor, “for both of my boys,” I added.

Moral of my story? Life may feel like it’s over when your first love leaves you or even dies but it’s not. It’s just the beginning of a whole other story. And who knows? It could be a better one?

I married Trevor and had another child, a baby girl named Selena. I don’t know where Jordan is but I bet he would be pleased to see that my life didn’t end the same day his did. I’m sure he would be happy to know that I got on with my life and couldn’t be happier.

Kyle starts to look like his father more and more each day and I couldn’t be prouder. I don’t look into Kyle’s eyes and see pain and regret. I look at Kyle and see the love I once had and the silliness of one guy to get what he wanted in the short span of a year.

I’ll never forget you, Jordan McMasters.

 


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