Three Convictions From Self Reflection

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
One moment animated, another moment suspended. A thought travels through my mind in repetitive circular recurrence. Caught up in analytic disability, held together by conjunctive destruction, my mind remains in open dialogue in what seems to be eternity. Through constant rearrangement of thought, through ideas of self-fabrication, I've come to the conclusion that I've lost myself.

Submitted: July 30, 2008

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Submitted: July 30, 2008

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(One moment animated, another moment suspended. A thought travels through my mind in repetitive circular recurrence. Caught up in analytic disability, held together by conjunctive destruction, my mind remains in open dialogue in what seems to be eternity. Through constant rearrangement of thought, through ideas of self-fabrication, I've come to the conclusion that I've lost myself.)

He could not sleep as he felt somewhat disturbed. His eyes gazed fixedly and unfocused onto his bedroom wall. Slowly from a distance an open thought lingered for a moment in his mind. He new an inescapable descent into gradual erosion of his mind was approaching. His breathing quickened. It was coming. His mind entered a space of wide vastness resembling a desert. He found himself walking barefoot in loose sand rust red in colour. There was no wind, no smell, no sound and no sense of temperature. The sky was cloudless with a light synthetic green colour to it. He walked filled with fear and anticipation as he knew that something of significance was about to happen. Something of known familiarity was approaching. From a distance he could hear a faint sound. At first the sound was muffled and ill defined. It lasted only for a few seconds before adjusting into a noise of higher volume and intensity. The sound was nearing. He was trying not to think of it. He knew now without a doubt that the object was approaching. It came back for him as it promised. He was induced with fear as a wave of loneliness gripped him and his body froze in a stillness of pause. From a distance a small black dot with unknown dimensions appeared. It started to swing as if attached to a piece of rope. Back and forth, in even stride, nearing him and then retreating as it swings away again. The cycle repeated four times before the object disappeared completely. He was not relieved as he could still feel its presence. It was still there, invisible and threatening. Without warning a thunderous noise erupted about a meter in front of him. The sound was similar to that of a propeller rotating; ripping the air. He knew that the object was skilled and it secreted obsessiveness. An uncontrollable force gripped him and froze him rigid. It forced his eyelids closed. He heard a slight change in the rotating sound. Almost as if it became clearer. He knew that the object has appeared. The force let loose its grip and he managed to open his eyes. The dimensions of the object surprised him although it was not completely unfamiliar to him. It consisted of a long metal sheet with the dimensions of a ruler but about 2 meters in length rotating vertically about ten times per second. It was black in colour with a shiny glare to it. With every rotation he knew that the object was examining and analysing him. Unexpectedly time was drawn out, so slowly that it almost came to a pause. He could now see every rotation and detail of the object in slow motion. With an invisible force it gripped his head. It was as if two hands were holding his head on each side. An invasive control was projected to his midbrain. Without any free will his head was pressed to his left side, shifting his centre of gravity. Then his head was shifted to his right side. This coincided with the object tilting slightly as if it was investigating him from side to side. It then turned him upright again. This time it moved and he stood still. The object made a 180 degree semicircular motion around him and was now facing his back. The invasive hold gripped him again. The pressing to the left and right of his head was repeated while his entire being was studied with an unnerving sense of violence. The object returned to its original position, not yet satisfied. He suddenly felt his mind rapidly expelling from his head into the object and merging with it. He was now observing himself from its view. It startled him when he realised that the object was part of him and that he was actually examining himself all along. He saw every part of his being, from every memory to every secret, which the contents of shocked him with severity. As quickly as his mind entered the object, it left it and returned to him knocking his body slightly backwards as it entered. He felt a slight sensation of diversion from the object. It was as if its hold on him slightly loosened. It was pondering and making calculations over its newly gathered information. He seized the opportunity by turning around and running away from it. It was surprisingly easy for him to run as the thick desert sand did not impair his movement at all. His feet did not leave any footprints. He ran as fast as he possibly could. The object, still in its vertical position, started to rotate faster and set after him with aggression. He ran faster and faster but could feel the presence of the object catching up behind him. It was now only a few centimetres behind him. It slowly increased its speed until it almost touched the back of his head, scraping off hair and skin. His running suddenly slowed down, not in speed but in time. Existence was drawn out again. Without warning he suddenly collided with a hard object. He did not feel any pain from the collision, nor was he thrown back. He instantly came to a standstill against a hard surface. The strangeness of it did not strike him then. As he looked up he saw the surface to be an immeasurable wall, glaring yellow in colour. The wall stretched as high up as he could see and as far as he could see to his left and right. He slowly turned around and stood with his back against the wall. With panic he realised that there was no escape. He was facing the object right in front of him. It emitted a bright blue flash, momentarily blinding him. Silence followed and when his sight was restored the object was in a different position. Rotation of it stopped completely and it was not in a vertical position anymore but horizontal. It hovered at eye level making no sound. Abruptly the object moved forward and snapped against his forehead. It bent to take on the roundness of his head. The rest of it spread out against the wall. The object pressed with such force that it was starting to slice through his skin. He could not move, think or make a sound. It drained his mind of all thought, all emotion and all memory. His entire being was reduced to a hollow shell in less than a second. The object then injected three convictions into his empty mind which he was to remember into eternity. It said: "Life is not worth living, you are to hate yourself and the sadness of the world is contained in you".

(A moment of white turning into a moment of black. Unpersuaded anger changing shape into unusual disrepair. Circular thought, end meets end, a snake biting its tale. Screams unheard, hollow shapes of insides twisted into voices unreleased. Please end the disappointing hope. Let it all come to a dream from which I whish to wake.)

Centuries have passed without the object loosening its grip. It kept on forcing the three convictions into his mind without remorse or the slightest suggestion of fear. With time passing the surroundings started to transform. The desiccated desert air became more humid and coldness started to set in. Slowly, taking centuries, small clouds started to form, taking shape with almost futile effort. The clouds increased with heaviness and finally an enormous storm was released. Streams of water poured from the sky for weeks and weeks saturating the desert sand with wetness. The object was aware of the changes occurring around it but was not afraid or troubled. Small trickles of snow followed the rain causing a sudden white gentleness to set in. With time the object began to turn a reddish brown in colour. It was starting to rust. The object provided resistance to its inevitable corrosion but it knew that it was loosing the battle. With gnawing diminishment small fragments of it began to fall to the ground. On no particular day and without forewarning the object's grip was released and it collapsed to the ground and into the snow. It made no sound or movement but simply disappeared into the whiteness. He of course could not notice this and was still standing up against the yellow wall. Even though months passed no recovery took place inside him. With glazed and unfocused eyes he simply stared into eternity as everything around him came to a standstill. No more rain or snow followed, only silence.

From a distance a faint sound was nearing. It was not threatening and had a certain tenderness to it. It resembled the sound of a bird's wings clapping, fast and even in rhythm. He did not hear the sound and could not take notice of it approaching him as my mind was stripped bare. After days and days passed I started to faintly hear the clapping of wings. I could not locate the direction of the sound. From a distance a light was nearing me. It was filled with a white brilliance. An uncontrollable force suddenly gripped me and forced my eyelids closed. I heard a slight change in the sound, as if it became clearer. The force let loose its grip and I was able to open my eyes. In front of me hovered a creature about the size of my head. It was a moth cloaked in a gleaming white light. Slowly it descended upon my face. It gently covered my eyes with its soft wings. The moth tried to communicate with me but failed in all attempts. I had nothing left inside of me to respond to it nor had I the energy to make an effort. Without warning a tiny hole appeared in my forehead in the area where the object had left its mark. I felt no pain and it simply appeared without anything making an incision. The moth extended its proboscis and slowly weaved it through the hole in my forehead. It searched and searched for anything that was left of me but all that could be found were the three convictions and an infinite emptiness. I had nothing to offer the moth and I could not speak or move. Despite this it kept on seeking for something. The moth searched inside me for months and months. It did not give up even though it was weakening and being drained of energy. One day the moth did come across something buried deep inside of me. It found a small source of yellow light. It was so minute and weak that it was hardly visible. This light was the only thing that was keeping me alive. I could sense from the moth that it was saddened by the fact that I was lost forever. The moth then decided to do me a great deed of kindness. It slowly and with gentleness inserted its proboscis into my yellow light. I saw sorrow in its face as it slowly began to suck the light from me. I was dying. The moth was graciously killing me. The last thing that I remembered was that my name was Wovoka and that the name of the moth was Akovow. After that I let go and slept into eternity.


© Copyright 2017 Dirk van Rooyen. All rights reserved.

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