"The Usual"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
I posted this on Facebook on 2/18/2013 to tell my entire family about the secret I had been holding for years..

Submitted: March 12, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 12, 2014



A new day. A new secret. A new scar. A new reason to cry..

She opens her eyes, staring at a blank ceiling. Monday morning. She turns and clicks her iPhone's home button; 6:00A.M. After she puts her glasses on, her warm blanket comes off. The cool air of the room instantly made her shiver as it hits her bare legs. 
She walks to the bathroom after bumping into her dresser (she could feel a bruise already forming), taking her shirt off and tossing it into the clothing pile. After removing the rest of her clothing, she hops into the warm water, finally waking up. Here is where her usually horrible day would begin.
Once she got dressed - her usual T-shirt, jeans, and lace-up boots -, she attempted winged eyeliner. Of course she messed it up and just did her bottom waterline paired with white eye shadow and mascara. What did it matter? Not like anyone looks at her anyway.
She walks out to the bus stop, of course almost tripping to her death down the 2 sets of stairs and ice on the concrete. She's cold, she's got a headache, and she just isn't looking forward to another day in the Hell-hole called school. Drama, sadistic teenagers, and teachers who love to call-out the outcasts. She's survived 7 or 8 years of this, but each day just gets harder and harder.
School, of course, was a mess for her. Period 1 consisted of a French teacher yelling about how they weren't picking up what "chair" was in her language. Well, excuse you, Mrs. I'm-Gonna-Just-Give-You-A-Paper. Period 2 was almost as bad, but the teacher is old and crazy, which makes everyone smile a bit. Period 3 dragged on, Math never being her favorite subject, Period 4 was just annoying because she didn't want to sing Grease tunes. Period 5 was quiet and she zoned out. This is when things get bad.
Last night's nightmares crash throughout her already broken mind. Her past and last night's screaming fest between herself and her mother are laced together. She feels the ache in her wrists again. She turns to look at her red-headed friend behind her, who smiles at her and whispers a corny joke. A tiny laugh escapes her frozen lips. She turns back around to look at the teacher (who she just absolutely loves) smiling at her. This makes her even sadder. 
The bell rings. Teacher says "Goodbye, have a nice day" like usual. She walks her ginger buddy to her locker, like usual. She feels tears threatening to fall, like usual. And again, like usual, she makes her lips curve into a smile, forces a laugh, pretends like nothing happened. 
The rest of the day goes on like this. No one suspects a thing. She goes home on the bus, she walks through the snow again and almost falls on her face. When she enters her house, she just breaks down. Tears fall down her face and all she can do is just stand there as her dog whines at her to let him out. She trudges through, letting him out then in, getting a drink, going up to her room, laying on her bed to plug her phone in. She cries into her pillow, not stopping until her sister's bus rolls to a stop in front of her house. She says hi to her, asks how her day went, and secretly feels relieved to know that she isn't going what her older sister is going through. She could never handle it. She can't even handle herself. She curls into a ball once she leaves and just stares at a wall.
She thinks about how ugly she is, how fat, how unwanted and horrible she is. Why can't she be happy? Why does she cry? Why can't she be normal? Why is everyone but her smiling? She looks at herself in her phone's reflection and almost gags, just like she did earlier that morning before she put make-up on. Her father comes home, he yells up a "Hello" and she yells one back, her voice so feeble and weak. He doesn't notice. She wants him to notice...

I want everyone to notice. She is me, and this is my "coming out". I DO hate myself. I DO think I shouldn't walk on Earth. I DO think I'm a screw-up. I DO think I'm a fat piece of crap. I DO cry every night... I used to self-harm. There's the big one guys.. It needed to come out. I'm sick of people pushing me away and saying "It's a teenage phase".. 

I'm probably going to get so much hate from this. My parents will probably never look at me the same. My friends will probably get scared of me and leave, just like everyone else does.. My heart is beating so fast. I don't want to press the "Post" button, but I need to.. So here goes.. Don't hate me..

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