Thinking Process

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Thinking Process

Submitted: September 01, 2012

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Submitted: September 01, 2012

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Why am I so fucking afraid of everything? I don’t know why it is, but every single fucking thing that I do I have to plan out. Why can’t I just go out and do whatever it is that I’m going to do? Why must I be so obsessed with time that I can’t truly go out and enjoy myself? Its fucking pain, it really is. Because it makes me afraid as to what im keeping myself from. Why must I have such a complex thought process? Why couldn’t I be given a numb brain like everyone else? I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming that nobody else thinks the way that I do, because I think that I have some alright assumptions. I do assume a lot, I don’t know why. I always come up with these situations in my head, and I don’t know why. Like if I’m going to meet somebody, or hang out with somebody, before I actually do, I have to plan out everything that could happen with that person, or in that situation. I think out everything that could possibly happen, as well as any possible questions that I may be asked. Like today, I arranged with my ex-girlfriend’s mother to stop by my work and drop off something of mine. I started going through all the possibilities of what could happen, including her asking me if I was over my ex. And simply coming up with an answer for that made my brain go fucking crazy. I got really stumped, and would have something, just to establish it first, say something like, “You would really have to understand my thought process, which I myself don’t truly completely understand.” Which would obviously make no sense to her. Then I would probably say, stumped once again (with everything that I think about, I’m amazed that I’m able to actually put it into words, and actually be able to say it without issues) “I would say that I am over her, but then again I would just like to think that I am, or I would at least want to be over her.” Which I don’t even bother saying because nobody is going to understand a statement like that. So instead I just kind of smirk or something, and kind of shrug in the opposite direction, and say like, “yeah.” In a really soft voice. I really wish I could talk to people the way I would actually talk to them, because it would help me understand my complex fucking brain, and also to stump people, which I’m also quite good at. Fuck I’m hungry.

 

I’ve always thought that you cannot live in fear. And I really do live my life by that. I mean, it seems kind of hypocritical that I’m saying I wish I wasn’t so fucking afraid of everything, and now I’m saying that I live by the creed you cannot live in fear. It’s pretty ironic. But irony and hypocrisy aside, getting back to what I was talking about. And what I was talking about was being afraid (just reminding myself I guess) the thing is that there are so many things to be afraid of, that I just let it be ok in my brain. Like, going back to how people make excuses for themselves to make themselves feel better, I do it myself. I never said that any of the things I’m writing about don’t apply to me, because many of them do, which is why I’m writing about them. I guess I must be thinking that since I’m afraid of these one or two things, and I’m not afraid of the other millions of things that could be feared. It’s amazing how the human thought process works isn’t it? Or maybe it isn’t, fuck I’m not a scientist.

 

I’ve definitely gotta come back to this. Gotta feed the hunger monster.


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