A woman of easy virtue

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is written in a zaney style . It is something I share with a few other writers who share this genre.It wont make a lot of sense to non- Irish readers - at least I think not.
It is unreconstructed as usual .
I'm just sharing the experiment with anyone who is disposed to this type of humour.

Submitted: October 31, 2009

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 31, 2009



It is  dark grey December afternoon.. The sleet is still slithering from the grey sky with a monotonous persistence and it is  conniving its way into the muddy back yard, and a  pool of water has gathered under the hall door.

 It is mid  approaching  two o clock.
He crows are raucous in the winter afternoon , joyous at the coming dark.
The blended aromas in the room are those of body odours ( strong ) alchahol  ( stronger ) and ,  -let us say personal odours ,( overwhelming )  and politely leave it at that.
On the floor are 2 opened durex packets .
Various garments are strewn hither and thither. The room suggests some degree of disarray ..It  suggests a life of  habitual shortcomings  , and manifest slovenliness .
There is what appears to be a bearskin stitched on to something which could quite easily be a coal scuttle atop of which is glued a lead model of a toy soldier. Its purpose to the less than casual observer is not immediately clear.
There is a draped figure , not unreminicent of a bull seal breathing sterterously and episodically under the ragged eiderdown, on the bed .There are two empty wine bottles on the floor. And there is a mandolin leaning against the corner of the bedroom, and beside the overturned bedside lamp - a pair of yellowed false teeth.

She awakens . Head throbbing ; aching thirst; pain in every orifice- not unfamiliar , but more penetrating than usual.
Shiite !!- she says hoarsely. It hurts , but she tries again .
- Shiite!!! - and now the phleghemmy voice sears the throat and the sudden ejaculation jabs at her nether regions with a wicked ferocity.
She pulls on her wig and a ragged  woolen dressing gown.

- you still here .!!- she shouts coming down the stairs..

Piso is in the kitchen frying eggs.
- ahh Kitty..
- Yea !! Ahh!! Kitty me arse - !! Me arse is right  !!Oh Go On ate me out a house an home now .. Go wan !!
Arra !! Whats wrong with ma kitteen ; he goes to kiss her .
Fuck off you -Me hole is achin !!
 She sits down.
Pisso blushes.
- ahh Kitty yer the wild wan when ya have a few jars
-I dunno if I took me pill.. If ye haf  me up tha pole  , yel pay fer it mister
She sits down , yawns and passes flatus.
Shite Shite !!.
Piso goes to open the kitchen door .

- close  it ! Close it !
- rats .. There’s rats all over the yard .
Why they’d bother with this place ..he muses , but his stoicism disallows the remark which comes to mind .
- Game a tenner,!!
- Kitty whats on ya .. How wud I haf a tenner ,
- ya better get wan!!
- fer what Kitty.!!
- fer me goin to the doctor that’s what - me hole is split in two, - what were ya doin to me atall ya animal
- twas all just a bit of fun kitty .. Just a bit of fun.
- where’s me false teet will ya tell me , and me bagpipes too - I suppose you tried to mount them too ! Ya dirty animal .. !!
- that’s enough!
Just then there’s a ring at the door.
- go up to the bedroom you. I dint want to be getting a bad name , cud be me land lord.
Pisso scampers up the stairs and under the bed like a hair going for cover,
There is a strong pungent smell.. Ammonia ,, he thinks..
Ash..it!!! Fuck that hoor , as he feels the sting of the acidic urine burn his inner thigh. The bed  pot is upended up near his nose.
- he’s not here ! I’m telling ye .. If I saw him mesel id sthrangle him..
- what kitty
(Mumble- Pisso is keenly interested in the snatches of conversation he hears)
Im kitty..
Oh that kitty ..( pause )
-jaze he diden .. Well the mean owl hoor..
(Mutterings and murmurings are gathering to a crescendo and Pisso , clutching his nose and scalded thighs holds on for  dear life as he hears another louder voice..
- If I thought fer wan second he was in hre jeez I’d castrate him.
His keen senses suggest to him that the remark was not directed at Kitty.. But rather towards the stairs..
- he’ll have to turn up at home sooner or later ,, and the voice seemed to be coming closer step by step.
-Well if he was here he d come down like a man !!-Now  he knows the voices are directed at him, and getting louder and closer.
He holds his breath , his crotch , and his thighs.
- course I’ll tell ye lads , I’m not wan for sheltering a mane aul shite like that .. No No.. I’ll let ye know.
The relief he hears when the door closes is merciful but short lived.
Jazes give over kitty ,,
Kitty pokes under the bed with a broom handle blindly , but with good effect.,
- is that where ya were puttin it is it, ( Whoomp)  ..go wan now see how that !! (Whompp)..!! Suits ya -was it there ya were puttin it  or more over (whomp ) !! There !!

Pisso scrambles from beneath the bed , mortified, stinking of unine ( amonia ) - He is holding his crotch tenderly
Oh God !!.
holding his behind .
-Jeez Kitty go aisy with that brush..
- Aisy aisy !!! Hand me 20 quid.
- where wud ….
-Ya whipped the savings last night an ya at tha raffle.
-I did no such..
- thirty..
She is holding the broom handle with menace.
Ok ok !! We’lll say twenty..he takes  wad of notes sodden from his back pocket , turns his back on her and peels off the wettest 20 and hands  them  over .She is still  brandishing the  the broom aloft..
- now fuck off and get a dog for yourself .. Ya wont be getting inta that bed in a hurry again..ya animal .. Beasht …that’s bestiality..ye’d get jail fer it if I tault.

He looks at the old crone now. His dignity is lost but his menace is not.

He is about to leave when there is a tap on the door  this time ..
-That’s himself .. The landlord.. Jeez he knows - me good name I’ll be in tathers. Tatthers...
They hear the key turn and presently a stoutest man s standing in the hallway, he takes a start when he sees the pair and takes in the dank pungent smell..
-( furkin perverts,, what did they be upta- he thinks, but smiles benignly)
Aham !! Ahem !! Kitty I was hopin to find ya alone .
- ya , well I’m not an if yer suggestin theres anything improper goin on just sayit an I’ll haf ya in court.
- no no !! it was just about the bit of rent , well it’s a biteen in the arrears..
-Is it ,,? Are ya sayin I don’t pay my bills.. Go waan that’s shlander.. I’ll hav ya in cc..
-No No.. God No !!!  !! Kitty.. Its just that’s it’s the three months now and on top of that there was no esb ahhem bill  ..an tha neighbors are complaining about ,, ra ra ro ro rr rodents.
-Rats !! Say it rats !!
 - Well !! that’s the kind of kip this is .. Anaway what’s the damage ..
-Well 50 would help .
-You heard the man - she turns to Pisso.
-Me !! Who!! What !!!
-Oh that wasn’t you sleeplin in the spare bunk this past 2 month
-Not on your..!!
-See !!! Deny it now. ;- turning to the land lord -and a doctors son if you don’t mind.. --- Clongowes educated.. No less..
-Look here good man !! Says Pisso genially.-- I think we can see outrway out of this little difficulty…

The matter is settled. Pisso is scurrying around the corner from the dingy flat,, never again .. Never !!  Never  again..
He is getting to the car when he sees to his horror coming along the street on a bicycle , Peteen Feeney..
- Oh Jeez No!!- when will it end
The priest slows and pulls up alongside  the blue fiat. He alights from the bicycle , careful to cover the saddle with his sleeve ,lest there be any  of those spitters in the vicinity
- Morning Michael - he says genially. - God bless the work .
The comment was without purpose as there was no work other than the frenetic workings buzzing in Pisso’s brain.
- Ahh !! Grand morning isn’t it.. Dya know what , but I havent seen you this long while - haven’t laid a blessed eye on you in donkeys years..
(-whats he after the fucker- Pisso thinks desperately -)
-Ahh no father ; I do change around ; you know the Cladddagh , St Joseph’s ..
-Oh no no no na no na no on !! The priest sat genially. I wouldn’t deign to pry no na no na na  no not at all.. But d’you know who’se back from the missions -
-No Who ?
J-oe Keaney - You remember Joe
-Ah No father he was the class behind me .
-and he’s doin a power of work abroad on the missions . Kenya isn’t the same since he went there .. Ha hs ha ha .. Well the boys were talking and..
-  Father if ye’ d excuse me I have to get to the post off..
- and dya knoow what ? Colgan says we’ll have to put a few bob together for poor father Joe abroad in the missions , and out he comes with a 100 spot.. ‘Trump that ‘-he says , and that  put it up to Molloy ya see, an Molloy goes and puts in 150.. Ha ha  beat that boys he says .. And up and up and up its  goin .. Good lord we were gob smacked .. Any way I wont be delaying you Micheal but the lads were saying that it wouldn’t be fair if the likes of yerself were left out.. Twould’nt do at all says Molloy, and Colgan put his foot down there and then and they turns to me and they says , father will you call on Michael, and get him in on the act,-and low and behold be the grace of God what do I see..
- I’ll have to finish this with you again father..
- but yerself just now , and I thought shure , this must be some kind of blessing ’cos I had lost the address you see..
I’ll  send on the cheque so father … if I had the address ..
- no no nonanonano  no I’ll save you all that trouble if you’d sign this little yoke I have here ..
He produces an intricate proforma
- Dya know .. These things baffle me entirely .. But if you’d sign there .. See there where I put your university address . God bless them in the bank , they gave me your bank number , so’s not to be botherin you ..
Pisso signs , cringes, the thighs and crotch are scalding him and now this acid is pouring like lava on his brain .
- ahha  !! Good man Michael.. Is that a 10 , begod  ye must be getting as bad as meself .. I’ll put the other 0 there or would you like to top them all …go on we’ll put in the 200 and be done  with it.. Good man Micheal . That’ll show them boys. Big shots eh !
Well God bless now Michael. You’ve put them all to shame ,, aha ha ha..
The priest cycles into  the gathering gloom.
Pisso feels weak. He gets into the car .
He smothers his head in his hands and weeps bitter tears.
Presently he composes himself , and turns the starter
Chug achug.. Aaa Chug… chug
-Oh!! Jesse  NOO !!-
And there was a battery sale last week….
- Ohhh!!! FUCKIN FUCKIN!!!! FUCKIN ….!!- he is stamping the rusted floor of the car which now finally gives way..He is about to bellow again .
There is a tap on the window. There is a man in a dark blue uniform , ( size 15 boot, and a champion catcher of cabbage ) standing there , unsmiling.
-  Oh Yea .. Oh  ya  ..could ya please tell me whats the big idea..
Sorry sergeant … !
Disturbin a  decent neighborhood like this ..
I wasn’t..
You’re the O Toole aren’t ya..??
No ,, No ..I mean yes !!
Oh !! Of course ye are , don’t I remember ya well over in Aran. And ya peltin stones at me neighbours windas .. An I says which wan a  ye is tha best shaat.. And ye started mockin me an jees I vos wexed.. A vos wery wexed an I did says ta mesel I’ll get that hoor sometime…-
He takes out a little note book, and reads the compulsory paragraph..
- before I procede any further I must advise to caution you that under the terms of the road traffic act amended……

We leave the unhappy scene as the darkness falls , and the crows gather in the high tree tops. The sleet is sliding slyly down the canopy of the closing night.
We take leave of Kitty , sitting in the kitchen with a new paramour who has been gracious enough to bring with him 2 bottles of Old Tawney Wine , and a naggin of Jameson .
Kitty is sitting on a hot water bottle , but otherwise she is in better form, as she sends the priapic bodhran player upstairs for her false teeth.
She was pernickety about things like  that. Not fastidious ; but she never liked to let her standards slip.

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