Phaser Phones - Phones with a Kick

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Star Trek brought us so many technological ideas. How great would it be to combine fiction and fact and come up with a truly shocking product.

Submitted: February 16, 2010

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Submitted: February 16, 2010

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I was watching a re-run of the original Star Trek series last week. In every episode, there is a scene where Captain Kirk commands his landing party to set their phasers to stun. In my view, Captain Kirk was a very compassionate space explorer. He rarely told his crew to set their phasers to kill. Personally, there were episodes where I might have gone to a higher setting on that phaser, but hey, that is why I was not captain of the Enterprise.
Anyway, this show got me thinking about all the nifty Star Trek technology that has come true. Communicators became our cell phones. The bridge crew used webcam when they chatted with friendly aliens or when they were locked in heated arguments with their archenemies, the Klingons, and of course the phaser bears a striking resemblance to today’s taser.
Okay, the taser or stun gun is not exactly the same as the phaser. The phaser had a kill setting. In fact, some phasers had an "evaporate the enemy" setting. More than once, I remember the bad aliens firing their phasers at some poor yeoman, who just graduated from Starfleet Academy and was lucky enough to draw landing party duty, turning him or her into stardust. It was death and cremation in one shot.I always wondered if a cleaning crew came down afterwards and swept up the poor yeoman’s remains to mail back to Earth.
Sorry, I lost my train of thought. Today’s tasers are not designed to kill or evaporate. They are supposed to stun people. Obviously, there have been a few sadistic souls who have taken tasering to a whole new level by holding the stun gun or taser against a body longer than recommended thus frying the taser recipient’s heart and nervous system. But what would happen if we could use tasers in a more innocent way?What if we could combine Star Trek, remote controls, tasers and cell phones into one instrument – a phaser phone? Think about the benefits.
Right off the bat, I can tell you that there is many a parent who would love this idea.They may not admit it, but they would love it. Think about it: Your kid does nothing but text his or her friends all day long.You give a first warning to the preoccupied child to put the phone down, but alas you are ignored.Okay, the second warning goes out – you get a response this time, but it’s a “leave me alone, stop nagging me!” response which is not acceptable.You walk away, and your kid thinks he or she has won the battle, but that is when you hit the phaser button that is attached to a tiny transmitter you keep on your wrist. (Yes, I have this well thought out.) Immediately, a small, yet well-targeted buzz flows right through that hormonally out-of-control body you call your offspring. I guess technically this might be abuse in the more liberal courts of law, but it really is a gray area. Anyway, it’s the same principle behind electric fences, and from what I hear, those devices work wonders with animals and if used correctly, they leave no marks.
I also think that spouses, significant others and life partners all might like this device.No, not in a kinky way unless you can figure something out and that is up to your creative talents. But that is not what I am talking about. Let me give you an example: Your wife has been at the mall for hours. You are a little worried about the amount of cash flow exiting your bank account, so you call on the cell phone.She tells you that she has one last stop to make at the Gucci Store. Knowing that a purse from this fine retailer costs as much as a top-of-the-line refrigerator, you feel the need to take action. BUZZ.Suddenly, your wife loses interest in that $2,000 purse and cannot wait to return home.
I don’t want to appear sexist, so let me offer another scenario for women.Your husband or boyfriend is out with the guys. It could be poker night or he could be sitting at the 19th hole after a four-hour round of golf.But he promised he would be home hours ago.What do you do? BUZZ.The charge sends him reeling to the floor, and he announces to his buddies that he has to leave – well, after one more beer. You predicted that response so you BUZZ AGAIN. He changes his mind about the other beer and quickly heads home.Okay, the thing about the second buzz is that there is a good chance that your guy may be a bit buzzed all over his body and you can reap the benefits of this charge when he gets home.No need for Viagra with the phaser phone taser especially if he keeps his cell phone in his pocket. And his annoyance at being buzzed will not last once he realizes that better stuff than beer is waiting at home.
I am not sure if the technology for remote control phaser phones exists, but I think it is a technology that should be explored. However, a cautionary note:Like every technology, if put in the wrong hands, we could be in a lot of trouble.


© Copyright 2017 Donna Cavanagh. All rights reserved.

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