The Story of Jason's Mother

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

A young mother who is devastated by the death of her fiance is controlled by the voices in her head, and makes a decision that she feels in her heart is the best.

 

The Story of Jason's Mother

He killed himself. Why? How could he? After EVERYTHING? He just LEFT her here? They had a child...he abandoned his own son. She was left alone at 16 with a newborn baby boy. She had her problems too. But she was pulling through for her son. At least, she was trying.

The voices in her head told her to hurt herself. Never her son, just herself. They told her she was worthless, that Jason deserved a better mother than her. She tried all the medication that was prescribed to her to silence them. Sometimes, the medicine worked. Then there were the days where the voices came back through and told her to "forget" to take them for that day. On those days,  they insulted her and  told her to hurt herself all day long.

But when she looked into Jasons sweet eyes, they silenced. As long as she was holding her son and around him, they were gone completely. Her son was all she had left. Well yes, she had her very supportive parents with her every step of the way, but after Paul went on the binge...she felt very alone. She felt like she couldn't make him happy enough to stay with her and Jason. She felt that he had chosen the Meth over the love of his life and his son.

Meth had been a huge problem with them since day one when she met him in school.

She was 14, he was 16 and they met at lunch one day at school. Her first day of high school her Freshman year, and the first day of his Junior year. Her friend was dating his brother, and they sat together every day after that. Some would call it love at first site, others would call it an older boy trying to take advantage of a young girl.

That wasn't the case at all. They were in love. Absolutley smitten with each other. They were inseperable. Happy. Together 24/7. He was very protective over her.

She knew about his drug of choice. She didn't like it, but he made it clear when they started their relationship, that he wouldn't drop it. She thought she could change him.

Fast forward a year and a half later, and she comes out of the bathroom with the white stick, sporting a little pink plus sign. She was 15, he was 17.

Her parents were furious, at first. But, she was their little girl and they weren't going to make her go through it alone. They were there for her. She was still their child, and was in love with a troubled young man.

His parents didn't give two shits. They didn't care about their son. So, her parents took him in. For awhile, they were happy. Getting ready to have their child, picking out clothes, names, cribs, blankets, toys, food, everything. They were happy and excited. He lead her to believe he had quit his habit. He lied. Every chance he got to be away from her, on his "guys night", he would sit by himself, in his dumpy little car, and smoked the Meth.

Eventually, toward the end of her pregnancy, he had switched to the needle.

And she was still oblivious. She was under the impression that her life was wonderful, she had loving and supportive parents, an amazing boyfriend, and was about to give birth to their son. Everything in their house was all ready for little Jason to arrive.

Jason was 8 months old when Paul killed himself.

She was heart broken. But, she was pulling through. She was devastated when she found out the truth about what he was doing all those months, but she also knew that he did love her unconditionally, otherwise he would not have stayed with her throughout her entire pregnancy. Catering to her every need, holding her hair when the morning sickness had taken over, going to the store with her mother to get her weird food cravings, decorating Jason's nursery, starting a savings account for Jason's college fund, rubbing her feet, putting her shoes on  her feet when he stomach was so big that she couldn't even see her own feet.

She knew he loved her, and she knew she'd see him again. But after his death, the voices started. Sleep was coming less and less. School was becoming harder to keep up with. But Jason kept her going. Seeing his smiling face in the morning made everything worth it.

Until the night where things turned horrible.

The knife. The bathroom. The bath tub filled to the brim. The water slowly turning red.

Her father had to burst down the door, because the water from the tub was spilling onto the carpet in the hallway, and he wanted to know what the hell was going on.

There she was. His little girl, pale and unconcious, and bleeding out. He screamed and called for his wife to call 911. He cradled her in his arms and was relieved when he felt her pulse still going. He used as many towels as he could to stop the bleeding from her wrists.

Jason was just a baby, and the blue and red lights confused him. What was going on? Where was mommy? Who are all these people? His grandmother took him and held him in his room while the ambulance took her little girl to the hospital. Her husband followed along.

Six weeks their daughter was in the hospital. They were told she kept writing mindless ramblings about the voices she heard, and in all her counseling sessions, the only thing she talked about was the voice. The fucking voices wouldn't leave her alone! She wanted to be normal again, she wanted to be there for her son, but she couldn't because the voices were telling her to kill herself, she was worthless, no wonder Paul killed himself, he wanted to get away from her!

Her mother wept for her daughter's condition, but kept herself strong for her grandson's sake. Her husband did so as well. Jason needed them while his mother was getting help.

 

Momma, Daddy, and my dear sweet Jason:

I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused you all. I just want to be normal again, I want to see my son grow up to be a wonderful young man. I want to see him go to college, get married and have his own family. I want to be a grandma one day. But I won't be able to. These voices won't go away. I see Paul every night in my short dreams. But I know it's not him, because when he speaks it's not his voice. It's the voices that I always hear. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to get help. I feel like I've lost control of my own body and thoughts. I'm not 'me' anymore. The voices control me. Everyone here at the hospital has been wonderful to me, but the voices still will not cease. I'm scared that I won't be here much longer...I love you all so very much. Please take the best care you can of my little Jason. I'll be watching over all of you until the day we meet again. Momma, you were truly the best mother anyone could ask for. So loving and caring and supportive of anything I did. Daddy, you really are the world's greatest father. Please show Jason the father he deserves and make sure he has the best life. To everyone here who has tried their best to help me, I'm sorry that your services cannot help me. You all have tried your best. And for that I am forever grateful. But I can't fight these demons who haunt me any longer. I have put up such a draining fight and I know I'm going to lose soon. I'm so sorry. I just can't fight this anymore, and I know God will forgive me. To my sweet boy, you are my little man, my handsome boy, my sweet child. I love you so much Jason. I'll always be with you in your heart. Don't ever doubt for a minute that I'm not. I'm sorry I have to leave you like this, but in my condition I can't...I can't let them tell me to hurt you next. Mommy loves you so much, more than anything in the world.

Xoxo,

McKenzie


Submitted: April 08, 2012

© Copyright 2022 DuchanMandic. All rights reserved.

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Comments

El Steveo

You did a good job of capturing the desperation of mental illness. The flashback in italics from the present to past worked well. What's effective about this piece is the lots of little details you include that really bring out the main character as a person. Well written, obviously with a lot of feeling. Thumbs up!

Sun, April 8th, 2012 8:25am

Author
Reply

Thank you so much! :)

Sun, April 8th, 2012 10:02am

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