Houston, I think we have absolutely no problem at all. Feeling exactly where we need to be. We're back floating on a moment of perfect timing and spacing. What a special moment to be embedded on some page in my book of life. I don't know about you, and I guess you couldn't yet have figured what I'm talking about, unless you have experienced it at some point in your life by now. If this feeling hasn't been curved by your hand-writing on your own book, then you might as well give up hoping to relate to anything I said and will say. You can only enjoy the words I guess, because it's one hell of a trip nevertheless.
I shall call it "Mindbomb", in honor of the tune I'm enjoying, by Monsieur Electronique, as I create and translate these thoughts. To feel Mindbombed, is to feel exactly right. One sand grain amongst many others leaving the gathering on one of the many cleavages of the fabric of her brilliant dark purple dress as she gets up to leave an island's midnight beach. We the sand grains fall as the waves of fabric crash and intertwine. Free fall motion, composing threads of time through stars and moons glittering summer night sky. We can't see where we're going to end up in the pitch darkness, confused and oblivious, attention-wandering before an ocean reflecting a mesmerizing dance of distant city lights, spacial lights, and glimmering yellow lights of fancy midnight private parties on yachts.
In that over-construed, increasingly detailed description of life-time. We fall to our physical deaths, blindly and scared shitless. With no vision to our graves in the sand, only the screams and shouts of fellow sand grains in their own sudden collision with earth. We seem to accelerate, horrified and paranoid never expecting the stop. We fruitlessly search for each other's faces in the darkness, someone to hold hands with and find soothing companionship in. Some are lucky enough to find that. Some still search frantically and urgently; going insane as thoughts race in and out of our times. Acceleratingly ping ponging inside the walls of cracked skulls. Bumping, clashing, smashing and crashing like crazy, unnecessary walls of death in a messy, chaotic heavy metal concert. I grow more wisdom and ignorance by the smallest unimaginable unit of time, the two interweave leaving nothing but confusion and silent bewilderment on the face of a diver who dared think too much. Suffocating from the pressure in the air I need to breathe.
This is one of these times in that ordeal, moments where I close my eyes and let go of everything else that's keeping me from making the best of it. In all the noise and turbulence of a crash-falling airplane, a tornado of flying objects and humans who couldn't seat-belt themselves to a pointless sense of safety like I did, relaxing my tense muscles, clogging the adrenaline pipes exploding everywhere through my body. Surrendering with what remaining feelings of peace I had in me, trying to escape the gut wrenching throat strangling cries of innocent, instinctively terrified babies. The awful harsh shameful ear-piercing wails of once-overly-manly,wide-chest-haired, grown men.
I concentrate so hard on trying not to concentrate at all, I focus on unwinding and bursting apart everywhere in a full release of consciousness. For very brief moments I succeed, and this is what I've been twisting and turning around in words all along to have finally reached. This moment of mind-bombardment, were that atom of sand recognized the purity, the meaningfulness in existence. It's difficult to point out and identify exactly, I could only but write along in the sake of imprisoning the sense of it here on sheets of Word.
Feels like a sudden, brief understanding of the whole event. A point of ultimate knowledge and awareness to the incredibleness, and untouchability of one solid fucking meaning of it. You just figure out in a mind-blowing epiphany the impossibility to figure out anything at all. You know absolutely nothing but the fact that you don't know anything at all, and that somehow makes you feel like you know absolutely everything.
You smile….. I smile… for once breathing a long awaited sigh of acceptance and compliance to what we were taught to call God's will. We surrender to Him, definitely, unconditionally. Servants we kneel down, forehead channeling energy to and from earth. We smile ecstatically as we let Him in, or let ourselves outwards everywhere and anywhere to Him. We thank Him for everything, and ask to forgive us for every moment that we doubted or questioned His existence and watchfulness over our skeptical, cynical, poor, hunched shoulders. We suddenly understand it all and in that exact set of entwined moments in our fabricated fall, we feel perfect and right. Like we belong entirely to that instant. Like our whole journey is there so that we can end up here at some point. We know we're to be out of it back on our old way anytime soon, and so we embrace it with all our possible might. Our mind powers explodes like rich fountains, we are capable and in full control of everything and every aspect and form. We stop time while we can, and it feels like eternal nirvaniac infinity.
We are what we're made of; inflations, issuances of God. We are star dusts breathed out exhaled on a big bang episode, floating away to be reunited again eventually in a big crunch. I am the air He breathed in me as life, and I miss Him and need to go back to Him. I am Carbon and Oxygen, Helium and Hydrogen. I am everything.
As suddenly as my mind-bombed, as suddenly as it reorganized and my eyes flash open again. Slowly instantly refocusing vision on the soon-to-be wreckage of a falling plane. The feeling of timeless foreverness slips away so swiftly, it feels like a brief moment in my past. I begin to comprehend baby screams and my heart breaks shattering glassy adrenaline back through my veins as mothers and stewardesses soar from one end to another. Heads banging, bones breaking, blood and tears everywhere again and I bid that moment goodbye, now so indulged in fear that I don't believe it exists or ever existed anymore at all.
I fall again in pitch blackness, no hint of sunrise anywhere on any horizon. I look around for someone to hold my hand, and be buried with on unseen forthcoming shore, to be washed away by H20, salt, and toxic waste.
Are there any other mind-mines hidden ahead? Or is my next halt going to be my last one?!
My eyes are closing again to sleep now. Will I ever awake?!!!
Very Good Night.
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Miscellaneous / Memoir
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