hate

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: December 01, 2017

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Submitted: December 01, 2017

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She hates her. I know this because I see it every day. In the way, she opens her eyes in the morning and stares into the darkness of her room. She doesn’t want to get out of bed, but then her day starts, the banging on the wall and the screaming. It used to scare her. She used to jump out of bed with a feeling in her heart like it just wasn’t there but an empty space was pounding in her chest. Not anymore. The noise, just like the source of it, is dead to her. It more annoys her now. I feel sorry for her. The way that she has to hide her feelings until she just breaks down in the most inconvenient of places.

There are people who have never seen her cry, who think she is one of the strongest people they have ever met, but truly she is not even there half the time because she is too busy building a crumbling wall in her mind to try to hide the person she knows no one, not even herself, wants to see. It goes so much deeper than just failed tests and a few tired days. Those tired days become more and more frequent for her until they are just, “I just don’t even want to wake up” days. She wants to live her life, just not with her in it.

It was not always like this. She used to love her with all her heart. She would cry just to be with her. Her arms used to be a safe, warm place to go when life was just getting to be too much.  She does not remember when those amazing memories were forgotten and twisted into more miserable time but it did and it will never change. She knows it is wrong to hate her. God wouldn’t want her to have so much hatred in her heart or any at all. She can’t help it anymore. It has gone too far. No matter how nice she tries to be to her I know that she just can’t accept it. It never lasts. The niceness always ends and is rare. I wonder why she deals with it. Sometimes it seems that the only answer is to end everything or just run away.

I have seen her in the best mood. She is so happy and everything is looking up for her. She is smiling and laughing a little too much, but she is genuinely happy. I have seen that smile turn into a face of hatred, sadness, and rage in a matter of seconds. I have seen her break down and felt her pain myself. She can’t talk about it. It hurts too much. I wish she didn’t have to deal with it anymore but there is nothing I can do about it. I just want to crawl into her head and help tear down that wall and make her face and fix all her problems instead of having her hide them away and hold them in. The last thing I want is to wake up in a world she isn’t in. That world would quite literally be nothing because she is my world. 


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