Guilt Inflames Me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A girl talks about her lost mother.

This is a true story about my mom dying, I wrote it from a prompt from Enjoy...

Submitted: August 03, 2009

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Submitted: August 03, 2009



There was once a chance I didn’t take. “What’s that?” You ask. My mom, I could’ve talked to her much more then I did; now it’s too late.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was young. I used to live with my mom, but one day my dad got custody of me and I moved down to Portland with him. I visited one Christmas and one or two summers and that was it. I kept in touch with my mom through phone calls.

When I was about eleven in sixth grade my mom would call me and call me and I wouldn’t talk to her. My mom lied, she drank, and occasionally did drugs. I was tired of her lying to me; I knew she was. Because of my mom’s problems my dad and his fiancée Jackie gave me the option of talking to her or refusing her call. After about two months of refusing her calls my dad called me into the living room. I’d been reading Charlie Bone And The Castle Of Mirrors so I walked in holding the book.

“Yea dad?” I asked. “I need to talk to you.” He said blankly. I nodded and sat on the couch next to him. “What’s up?” I asked. “I got a call from a doctor earlier.” He replied. I raised an eyebrow. “Whitney,” He began. I didn’t like where this was heading; it seemed like bad news. He paused for a bit and I didn’t ask him to go on. “Whitney, its your mom, she overdosed on drugs.” He finished. I stared at him blankly, begging him to say sike or just playing. He didn’t.

I felt the tears threatening to burst out. Then they fell. My dad wrapped his arms around me in a comforting way. I held him too, crying, while he rubbed my back with his hands. No! Why? Why would she do this? A thought hit me; I wasn’t talking to her. She had always called me her miracle baby. She had always wanted a baby girl. She had my half brother Tyler, then my sister Chelsea who died when she was young, and then me, her miracle baby. Maybe she did this cause of me; that made me cry harder. The worst thing is yesterday was mothers day! And it was also her birthday! I started to cry even harder, surprisingly. I finally stopped and looked at my dad when he let me go.

“What drug did she use?” I asked. “I’m not sure.” He replied. “Does Tyler know?” I asked. “Yes, I had to tell him this morning. The doctor didn’t know who to call and since I was her ex husband he called me.” Dad replied. I fought tears. We just sat there in silence.

“Dad, can I use the laptop?” I asked. He nodded. I went and got the no Internet computer, plugged it in, and turned it on. I worked for a few hours on a Power Point for my mom. When I was done I watched it and then turned it off. I don’t remember what I did the rest of the day, but I know I was heartbroken.

The next day we went to dinner; dad, Jackie, and I. We went to Chevy’s; I think maybe they had been trying to make me feel better, but I still felt horrible inside.

In dance class at school I had no feeling and for an odd reason I had these vision type things. When I closed my eyes I could see my mom; halo, blue gown, and showing an emotion to what I was doing. Sometimes it was like she was trying to help me. After awhile the vision type things went away, but the pain never did.

At times I still cry and I get angry with myself. Angry that I hadn’t took advantage of talking to my mom like I should have. It was all my fault; I think that all the time. If only I had talked to her more. I will never have the chance to talk to her ever again, never.

It’s too late to apologize.

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