How to Catch and Kill A Crackhead: Weapons Against a Crackhead

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

There is a terrible scourge lurking in the night that many people are clueless about. Because it attacks without regard to sex, race, religion or national origin, no one is immune to becoming a victim of this predator of the shadows.

If you ever encounter one and live to tell about it, go buy a lottery ticket because it’s your lucky day. If you know someone that has fallen at the hands of this diabolical fiend, after reading this guide you will be fully prepared to deal with one of the most destructive forces of nature (behind hurricanes, poltergeist and hoodrats). Luck will have nothing to do with your success because I am going to arm you with one of the most ancient collections of knowledge created solely to deal with a problem that has plagued mankind for centuries.

If you know what I am talking about then right now you are so terrified that your hands are shaking while latching up the gates to your public housing project. For those of you that have not yet figured out what evil I speak of, I’m talking about crackheads.

How to Catch and Kill a Crackhead: The Definitive Guide


Holy Water


The more things change, the more they stay the same. This is my favorite way to deal with a crackhead despite the advent of firearms, methadone, and nuclear weapons. Its also the most sure and simplistic. Simply carry some water with you blessed by your neighborhood priest, rabbi or pimp and you will now wield a weapon

with awesome destructive capabilities against the crackhead. Methods of deployment include, but are not limited to: water balloons, super soakers, and condoms (crackheads are downright allergic to them). If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to exterminate crackheads en masse, blessing a fire hydrant and opening it up in the direction of the hoard of junkies works just as well.




Simply wearing a cross only decreases your chance of being attacked by a crackhead, unless, of course, your cross is made of anything other than wood. Jewels, gems, ice or anything else shiny that could fetch a good price at a pawnshop will only increase your encounter rate. A simple cross, constructed with wood, will do because remember, God doesn’t like crackheads and this tool will automatically remind them of that and hurt their feelings every time they see it. Don’t get fancy or creative and think you can make one of glass just to try and shine a little. It will only confuse the crackhead into attacking you. Swing the cross in the direction of the crackhead to use it as an actual attacking weapon, and you should be able to disorient him enough to escape by foot. Don’t try to escape before disorienting him though, since everyone knows that you cannot outrun a crackhead.


Methadone Stake


A lot of people don’t know this, but just like you can’t catch a crackhead under normal circumstances you also can’t kill one using normal methods. Normal things like stabbing, shooting and starvation don’t kill a crackhead. All someone has to do is sprinkle some crack on them or wait until full moon comes out, and they just regenerate and go off chasing more rock and biting more innocent people.There are just three ways to actually kill a crackhead and turn him into dust so that neither crack nor moonlight will resurrect this foul beast: Cut off his head, cremate him while still alive under a crescent moon, or drive a methadone stake through

his heart.


Yes, crackheads do have something that resembles a heart. There isn’t much to say about it though. Unless you’re a crackhead hunter, methadone stakes are extremely hard to come by. They can only be crafted by the hands of a midget prostitute and then they must be blessed by the highest pimp in the land, but only after it is soaked in the blood of a heroine addict and dried out in front of old episodes of Cops. Because they are so hard to come by, only the most skilled crackhead hunters are equipped with methadone stakes. The rest are just left to use the decapitation method combined with holy water and crosses to do battle.


Dummy Rocks


Oh no! You were on a great run at a dice game and just couldn’t bring yourself to take your earrings and leave before the game was robbed. You knew it was going to happen because dice games always get robbed. But tonight is your unlucky night, for there be crackheads in your parts. Even though you’re the one that actually robs the game, you cross the path of a crackhead (which, by the way, is 69 years bad luck) on its mission for rock. But it needs money first and you just happen to smell hot from your recent robbery. After all, it’s not like you went to the bank with all the money to make a deposit. But that’s beside the point. The crackheads are hot on your trail, and because you left your sneakers at home in favor of your Timberland boots (even though it’s the middle of August), you know you can’t outrun them. “What to do?” you think…Ah ha! You reach into your pocket and you find a rolled up mixture of bread crumbs, soap flakes, and Oragel—also known as a Dummy Rock! The reason for the naming should be obvious—only a dummy would pay money for that shit, but when’s the last time you hear someone say, “Wow, that crackhead there has a really good head on his shoulders. He’s so smart! I’ve never seen someone convert from


Submitted: October 27, 2013

© Copyright 2023 Edward Latimore. All rights reserved.

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