Satire News Article

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: October 16, 2019

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Submitted: October 16, 2019

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BREAKING NEWS: Beauty pageants found to have devastating consequences

 

By Elizabeth G. Burt

October 10, 2019

 

What do you think of when you think of beauty pageants? Maybe it’s gorgeous models in bikinis, laughing at the pageant fails, or the intensity of waiting to hear who will get announced. Whatever aspects of pageants you enjoy, we’ve all come to love women competing to be the most objectified. Although beauty pageants have been a part of American culture since 1888, new research shows there may be severe consequences to watching your brother’s eyes bulge out of their sockets at the television.

 

“Our research shows that beauty pageants emit a new kind of ultraviolet light, whether watching at home or being in the venue,” explains Dr. Sandy Clone, a researcher at Brigham Young University. “We are calling this new radiation Ultra Bikini Light, or UBL. Even watching pageants for five minutes will cause UBL to be emitted. Once diffused out of your television, it becomes unstoppable.” Clone and her team have discovered many harmful and potentially catastrophic consequences of UBL rays.

UBL has been found to cause foot warts, acne breakouts, and small children to explode. “All I wanted to do was, like, watch my favorite beauty pageant,” says Judy Blaire through sobs, a regular watcher of Miss America. “Now I look like an org!” Blaire is not the only victim of UBL’s harmful rays. Clone has found about 150,000 people worldwide who have also suffered from terrible foot warts and prom-ruining breakouts. UBL has also been linked to causing Nike to lower its prices to a reasonable amount.

 

Unfortunately, UBL does not just affect humans. Clone has found UBL’s effects go as far as causing house pets to dance the macarena. Since the song was released, there have been about 340,000 cases of dogs, cats, birds, and even what look like the attempts of snakes dancing the macarena. There have even been reports of hamsters singing I Can Show You The World, a song from a Disney musical, Aladdin

 

The reach of UBL even goes farther than household pets. Farmers who watch beauty pageants have heard their animals switch noises. “My wife turned on the Miss Universe competition, and 10 minutes later my cow starts quacking out in the field,” says Don Thompson, a farmer in eastern Washington. To add to the strange animal phenomena, one woman even witnessed one of her birds singing the theme song to a movie series called Star Wars, and her other bird singing the Darth Vader theme, also from Star Wars. She did not want us to use her name out of fear of her friends finding out she watches beauty pageants.

 

Still, the effects of UBL go beyond one’s property. Clone’s team has also discovered UBL’s rays contribute to global warming, as there have been thousands of trees flying away. Clone was able to test one of the flying trees that crashed into a canyon in Utah in 2018, and the sample was confirmed to have been contaminated with UBL rays. The ocean temperature has also been rising due to fish and other marine wildlife pooping rainbows when UBL rays are absorbed by the water.

 

You may be wondering to yourself, what can I do to help prevent UBL rays from contaminating my community, country, and world? The biggest step anyone can do is spread awareness. Share this article with your family and friends, post about UBL on social media, write a letter to your TV provider asking to stop broadcasting beauty pageants, or send an email to producers of beauty pageants. There are several non-profit organizations dedicated to preventing UBL, such as The UBL Prevention Army  and others you can donate to.

 

So the next time you sit down to have your self esteem drop lower than a highschool dropout’s grades or to create the dream girlfriend you’ll never have, ask yourself one question: do you really want to see your cat to dance the macarena?

 


© Copyright 2020 Elizabeth Burt. All rights reserved.

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