The last time. -short story-

Reads: 1056  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 13

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Historical Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

A soldier in the second world war leaves his son with his grandparents as he goes off to fight. The last time the boy sees his father. This is my first published short story so I would really love some feedback!

I looked down upon my son. He was looking straight back at me, worry on his innocent little face. I wish I didn’t have to leave him. Especially with people I know won’t be able to love him like I do. I knelt down in front of him and took his tiny soft hands in mine. “Teddy, son.” I said softly. “I’m not leaving you, I’ll come straight back to you as soon as I can, okay? I don’t know how long I’ll be but…” My voice started to get painful, too emotional. I brushed a wisp of his perfect blonde hair out of his eyes and stood up. I walked him towards the immense wooden doors of his grandparents’ mansion. They stood just in front, faces wrinkly and emotionless.

“Tom” said the grandfather Bill, gruffly, by way of greeting. I nodded. They’ve never seen me with any respect for as long as I’ve known them. They didn’t think me a suitable husband for their daughter and still blame me to this day for her death.

“You had best be off then” the grandmother June barked with a stern look on her face. “Those Nazis will be waiting for you”. And they lead Teddy into the hollow house and the doors slammed shut. Her last words stung terribly. I stood for a moment, staring at the prison encasing my precious son, then walked slowly away, wiping tears from my face.

Inside this huge place was too much like a crypt to be called a home. It had three floors and ten bedrooms and Bill and June were the only ones who inhabited the place. Bill went off to smoke his pipe and read the paper while June took young Teddy upstairs. From the way they were both acting, you could definitely tell that they were related. Both harbouring uncharacteristic, stern walks. Both remaining silent unless required to speak. Both of them hid any emotion behind their mask like faces. She showed him to the rooms in which he was allowed to go. First the second floor bathroom, which had a dull colour scheme of white and grey. Nothing interesting, just the usual necessary features. Then teddy’s room, Nothing special here just a dusty bed, wardrobe and desk. Then June pointed out her and Bill’s room. “You are not to go anywhere near here unless there is an absolute emergency” she said. The top floor was out of bounds completely. She then left him in his bedroom to unpack his small backpack and do ….. Something.

Several weeks passed with barely any conversation between the old couple and their grandson except the formal “good morning”s and “good night”s and when Teddy thanked June for his meals. He spent most of his time, quiet in his room, constantly stretching his little brain for ways to keep his mind occupied and make the long hours go by. One morning he went downstairs to breakfast to find June in the dining room with Bill, they looked as though they had just been in deep conversation. He halted just as he entered. Baby blue eyes fixed on them both. “come here boy” said his grandfather, gruffly. He walked slowly over to them, eyes still fixed.

“I’m afraid we have some bad news for you…” said June. It was very strange for Teddy to hear her say anything without absolute confidence in what she was saying. It shook him slightly.

“It seems that your father has been killed in the war”

“and you’re going to be living with us for good now” said Bill.

Teddy looked from one to the other and then back again. Still he said nothing, face blank.


Submitted: February 25, 2013

© Copyright 2021 ElizaZenith. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

Matthew D. Hay (Tangible Word)

Emotional and heartfelt.. an incredible story (: You're a really gifted and talented writer :D Your characters were real in this, while your description captivating (:
Cheers

Mon, February 25th, 2013 10:47pm

Author
Reply

Thankyou!! The compliments are greatly appreciated! xx

Mon, February 25th, 2013 2:52pm

have faith in purple

I could feel teddy's pain. I was so emotional and heartfelt . I really loved it . Keep up the good work:D










~Jenny

Tue, February 26th, 2013 1:09am

Author
Reply

Thankyou! xx

Tue, February 26th, 2013 12:00am

smircle

:'( That's so sad! I hate the way the grandparents just told him what happened like they were talking about the weather or something. I can only imagine how Teddy felt behind his blank mask he put in place.
Good story; your characters are real and you really feel for Teddy and also get a strong dislike for the grandparents. I'd have liked to known a bit more about the dad, but you can't have everything.
Also, you started the story off as 'I'- the dad speaking from his POV. Then you changed to 3rd person. I'm a bit confused as to how that is done: is the father in the house with them at the time? Or have you just changed to 3rd person as the father had left?

Tue, February 26th, 2013 6:37pm

Author
Reply

Yes I did try to make the grandparents seem as unpleasant as possible. I had from the dad's point of view to start with to try and put his feelings into it as much as I could. Then I changed it to third person because the father left the story. I thought that would be alright at the time of writing but i'm not so sure now, Is it alright do you think? Thankyou for the great comment and the compliments.

Tue, February 26th, 2013 11:00am

13oliviah

This is so sad, I could really feel Teddy's pain. And your discriptive s and way of writing are fantastic, keep up the great work! Sorry I have not gotten back to you sooner, I've been pretty occupied lately.

Wed, February 27th, 2013 9:33pm

Author
Reply

Oh that's fine! don't worry! and thankyou! really appreciate the compliment xxx

Wed, February 27th, 2013 1:37pm

BUnique

This story is so sad ... It is very well written and I really felt for Tom and Teddy.

Good job and thank you for the reading request

Thu, February 28th, 2013 4:43pm

Author
Reply

Your welcome and thankyou very much for reading:) xxx

Thu, February 28th, 2013 12:59pm

FrootLoop246

Aw, the story is beautiful! And sad at the same time! I loved it, and it truly brings out what a lot of kids, wives and parents felt back then! VEry good work!

I really think it's hard to write a short story. I've never been able to do it, so Kudos! I commend you on that!!!

Ah, and your grammar isn't bad at all. :)

Thu, March 7th, 2013 10:21pm

Author
Reply

Why thankyou! What a perfect comment right here. I appreciate this cheers! xx

Fri, March 8th, 2013 2:21am

M K Brown

It was good. Very descriptive in places. I have a few minor points on it if i may... The synopsis mentions it is the First World War, but in the 3rd paragraph they call them Nazi's. The National Socialists didn't rise to power until after the Great War (mostly as a result of the harsh peace forced on Germany) I think that in WW1 they were called huns although i'm not certain on that. I like the idea behind the story, i would like to have seen the time passing with some sporadic letters from his dad. On the front line they were forever writing to loved ones and you've painted him as a very loving character so may be worth considering something to expand the story a bit and completely suck the reader in to the boy's heartache. All in all good for a first effort. Nice work..

Thu, March 14th, 2013 8:37am

Author
Reply

Ahh yes that was a mistake, I meant to put second, I've changed it now. That's a good idea about the letters, I would have put something like that in but I was intending it to be that short, a quick read, you know? Your comments are very valid though and useful. I thankyou.

Thu, March 14th, 2013 10:04am

Fresenbet

That was Emotional! I loved it! The way you narrate the story is really amazing! Just amazing! Keep up the good work!

Fri, March 15th, 2013 9:13am

Author
Reply

I'm glad you did! I will try to, your cmment is much appreciated, thankyou!

Mon, March 18th, 2013 1:26pm

Fresenbet

I don't know how someone could be that cold! It is really sad...

Fri, March 15th, 2013 9:18am

Author
Reply

Well I really don't know either, I was trying to make them as cold as could and it seems I have succeeded! thanks.

Mon, March 18th, 2013 1:25pm

Wehtam Gull

I kept wondering what becomes of Teddy!, Really good story, one of the best I've read on Bookise and I've read a lot. Keep it up.

Sun, March 17th, 2013 8:36am

Author
Reply

Well that is a big compliment! thankyou very much! and yes I will try to.

Mon, March 18th, 2013 1:26pm

CuddlesMonster

Absolutely amazing!
Really bought a tear to my eye c':
LOVED IT!
You should write more short stories xx

Tue, June 4th, 2013 8:26pm

Author
Reply

I have loads more that I just need to upload, and thankyou:) xx

Tue, June 4th, 2013 2:16pm

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