I'm Scared

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
My first completed short story. Jessie is about to attempt suicide, and possibly having second thoughts. A single phone call sends her life spiraling into the vertexes of the big decision. Will Jessie finally commit suicide in the end? Find out.

Submitted: December 13, 2011

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Submitted: December 13, 2011

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What’s happening to me?

I wish I knew…it’s the only thing I could wish for right now. Well, besides one thing. But that doesn’t matter. Where’s wishing ever got me anyways? So far it’s gotten me here. Here I am, lying down on this old springy bed, grasping a slightly used bottle of aspirin. I read the warning label on it, maybe for the twentieth time:

Warning: Do not take more than 8 caplets in 24 hours. In case of overdose, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away. Quick medical attention is critical for children and adults even if you do not notice signs or symptoms.

What signs or symptoms? Not waking up? Not breathing? No heartbeat? Hell, I bet that if I overdosed on this, people would just think I’m taking a nap. Or maybe not, since I hardly sleep anymore. I wonder if the company put that there purposely. So people spend more time reading the bottle before offing themselves and maybe make them reconsider. I don’t know. I scan the bottle again, reading over numerous warnings and ingredients. All the same. There’s twenty four caplets in the bottle, and I already took two earlier. Will another twenty two get rid of the pain for good? Should I find out?

What will my friends think?

If I chicken out on this, like I always do, what am I going to do the next day? Lily is going to notice first thing that something is wrong… I can already imagine her resting her arm on my shoulder and asking me “Something wrong, Jess?” She always has that softness in her eyes when she asks me that. It makes it look like she cares. That softness is what gets me to tell her, always. I wish I could see her face right now, that softness, those brown eyes that see right through me. She’s my best friend. Lily has been so good to me; she deserves to have some peace and quiet sometimes, right? It would just be selfish of me to tell her what is wrong with me now. There’s always something wrong with me anyway, I’m sure it’s nothing new to her. Plus she has her own life to deal with… I don’t need to trouble her with my problems anymore.

Or should I? Should I even tell anybody at all? I think that all of my friends are tired of the whole “Wanting to Die and Attempting to do so” speech. Which is followed by the “There is Something Wrong with Me, Maybe I Should Go to a Mental Hospital” speech. Then again, maybe they will be surprised to find out I tried to overdose this time instead of whipping out a razor blade. Maybe they will be proud that I’ve found a less bloody way to attempt suicide.

Where is that razor anyway?

I look at my bookshelf, first shelf, and second row. There lies my old Snoopy plush doll. It’s the only thing that I’ve had since I was a baby. I never let anybody touch it, not even Lily. Not because it’s so old and fragile though, it’s because the doll is where I keep my razor. It lies buried in the back of it, in its little cotton bed. I used to do this a lot. Cut open the back of my stuffed animals and sew all kinds of things into them: Money, jewelry, all kinds of things. But now all I have to hide is my razor, in the back of Snoopy. I even stopped sewing him back up because I was using that razor so much. Poor Snoopy, once a toy I used to cherish and now a hiding place for my self-mutilation tool.

How long has it been since I last cut anyway? Weeks? Months? It’s sad how a person can forget their actions so easily if they aren’t compulsive. I try to think of the last time I cut, but my thoughts are soon cut off and flooded with images of Lily’s face. Again, her eyes, that softness, now clouded with worry. It hurts her whenever she finds out I cut myself again. Then another face replaces Lily’s, one that I am not so grateful to see.

Hunter Rowan Nelson…

I’ve always called him Rowan. That way he seemed more comfortable being around. I mean, I’d rather think of him as a little bird than a hunter. That’s what I used to think at least. Now after what has happened to him (to me?) I believe his name couldn’t suit him better. My wrist starts to pulse faster… a sign that means I want to cut. I’m not surprised.. Now that I think of it the last time I did it was because of Rowan. I glance at Snoopy, and he looks at me with discerning eyes. I don’t need to cut. I mean, I have a bottle of aspirin right in front of me. I uncap the lid and raise the bottle to my mouth.

My phone rings, making me jump and spill the aspirin all over my bed. Dammit, who is calling me in my time of suicide attempts?! Probably Lily. She always has a way of knowing when I’m about to do this. I answer my phone without looking at the caller ID and prepare to pour my heart out. “Hey! You know it’s really freaking me out how you always know when to call! Are you psychic or something?”

“No, sorry. I do like how you’re so excited to take my call though, Jessie. I thought that you were just going to shut me out like you do with everyone else in the world.”

I drop my phone in shock… It’s not Lily. But oh how I wish it could be right now. That hurtful tone… that jagged, metal on acid voice. Why is he calling me? Why?

“Leave me alone, Hunter”

I say as I pick up my phone. I hear him cough and scoff on the other end of the line. He must be smoking. This means he has also been drinking. He’s drunk. That’s probably why he is calling. I prepare to hang up, but his choked reply comes before I can do so.

“Hunter? Who’s that? I thought I was your little Rowan, Jess. That cute little bird that you wish you still had. At least, wish you had all to yourself. Well too fucking bad, I’m not leaving Alice just so you can feel all content. You need to get a life and change your attitude. Get a person like Alice, and let loose and chill like I am right now.”

“You’re drunk, Row-.. Hunter. Getting wasted won’t solve my problems… and I never said you should leave Alice… please don’t accuse me of that…”

“Aww, that’s cute. Now shut the fuck up. Psh, you know you hate Alice; I bet you wish you were her huh? Cutting loose and chilling with ME every night. Getting some good ass with ME. That’s why you want her to leave me. You know how selfish that is? I mean.. When I was friends with you all we did was just talk and talk and listen to all your damn sob stories and complaints on how your life sucks all day. Alice taught me how to LIVE. Why don’t you do that?”

“Please... don’t yell at me. You don’t know what it makes me do Hunter. Just stop... please.” I’m almost crying now… when will he stop this?

“Oh, here we go again. I don’t give a flying fuck anymore what the fuck you do. Going to go cut yourself, cry to Lily about it right? Same old story. You know why I'm calling? Just to tell you that if you’re going to be all sad and kill yourself then just fucking do it already!!! Either do it or change!!! I don’t care what you choose; just leave me out of it!”

Click. The line goes dead… I’m crying now. He’s right, why don’t I just do it? My wrist pulses rapidly…I can imagine thin scarlet lines turning thicker and thicker.

My throat tightens up.

I choke out a sob and slowly pay attention to the mess of aspirin on my bed. I pick them up, one by one and put them back in the bottle. I feel like putting them in my mouth instead... or throwing them and the bottle at the wall. But slowly I put all twenty two capsules in their proper place. I cap the bottle, and then my phone rings again. The caller ID says that it’s Lily. I try to conceal myself and control my sobs when I answer. “Hey Lil, what’s going on?”

“Hey Jess! Guess what? I’m at your front door ha-ha! Let me in! Surprise visit! You don’t sound too good Jess, you okay?”

Rowan called me... he was drunk.”

“Shit… well let’s talk about it once you let me in. See you in a sec!”

Click. Shoot, Lily is here. What do I do? If she sees the aspirin.. she knows what I am going to do with it. But that’s good that she would stop me right? How long will it take to overdose? Surely not a few minutes… if I swallowed the whole bottle right now then she would never know that I wouldn’t wake up after tonight. I could spend my last moments with her… seeing her face. Seeing the softness of her eyes one last time before I die. That would be a great way to go. But then I imagine those eyes the next morning… no longer soft but steel being drowned in tears…. I could never do that to her… could I? Of course not… I care about Lily too much to hurt her like that. I don’t have much time to think.. she is at my front door waiting to be let in. I look hard at the bottle… concentrate harder than I ever have on it. I know what to do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lily~

Sheesh, Jess is taking forever to open the door! I hope she’s okay… a call from Rowan must have left her in tears… that dirty bastard. She opens the door, yep, she's been crying all right. Poor Jess… I hate seeing her like this. I just have to try my best to cheer her up then! “What’s up Jessie?!”

“A lot of stuff… Rowan called me and said some pretty bad things… but they were true. Now I just.. I don’t know what to do Lily…”

“Did you… you know… cut? And Rowan is a drunken asshole now… nothing he says is true!”

“No, I didn’t. I've decided that I am not going to need to cut anymore. I don’t think I can talk about this right now.. its going to hurt me more than help me I think.. Can we talk about this… tomorrow maybe?”

“Well, that’s great! I'm glad that you aren’t going to cut. And okay… I know sometimes it’s hard to talk about something that just happened when it really hurts you. I’m going to come over first thing tomorrow! And if you change your mind then just give me a call! Unless you want me to spend the night?”

“No… I think that I might need to be alone tonight. I need to think about everything that’s going on and get my mind cleared up. Thanks though, maybe next time?”

“Anytime! Okay… well then I should go so you can lie down and think. Remember to call me if you change your mind! Or if you just want me here! Okay? Alright… well I'm going to go. Love you Jessie!!!”

“…You too.”

I leave her house… But I'm so worried. That was not Jessie in there. Not the Jessie I know. Usually I would stay there anyway.. but she is so different tonight. Maybe she needs her space… maybe it was because of what Rowan said. I swear if it’s him he’s going to get his drunken head shoved up his ass. All I can do is wait and see how she is tomorrow… but I have some feeling that tomorrow might be too late. Jess, please don’t do what I think you might do… Would she? She cares about everyone too much to do that… but what if something changed her mind tonight? Two words can only explain my feelings now.

I’m scared.


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