Love In My Room

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
She wanted to go back to her room. Back to the place that they wouldn't let her go. It was unhealthy, they said, but she knew better. In that room, her own little world, resided the one thing that kept her "alive"...her love.

Submitted: February 17, 2012

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Submitted: February 17, 2012

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Love In My Room

 

 

One, two, three blue ones.

Five, six, seven, tiny green ones.

Eight of the white diamonds and only four of the small pink ones, all swallowed dry.

Some bitter, some sweet, and others just tasted like nothing. Gently sliding down my throat and settling in my middle somewhere. The room looked fuzzy around the edges, like when you first wake up from a deep sleep in a brightly lit room. Then the walls started to peel again; the yellowed floral print stripping back on itself and hanging like limp petals on a lily flower. Three steps away from the bathroom and it already felt like I was trudging through the marshlands. The bed was only feet away, but it seemed like I would never make it.

But I had to. I had to get back there. The beings with upturned noses, the ones that looked down at me over their small spectacles, told me that I could never go back; that is wasn’t possible. I knew they all were liars. I knew they only told me that so they could keep that space for themselves. It wasn’t too rich for me to handle like I knew they thought. It was mine any way; not theirs.

Now on hands and knees, only inches from my sanctuary, my sanity. I climb the bed sheets, reaching higher and higher as the room began to melt around me, the muted colors mixing in cold puddles on the hardwood floor. I had to reach the top soon so I could melt too. I wasn’t going to let it all dissolve without me. I snaked over the bed frame onto the icy sheets, so rude against my hot flesh. I began to peel off my jacket, slipping out of my jeans, sliding of my socks, and gently pulled my shirt over my tousled head. I lay flat as my eyes perceived the skeletal form of my surroundings, nothing left but the wrought iron bed and my form that lay atop it. I could feel it all slipping now, the air spinning around me, gaining colors in hues of gold and violet. I am almost there.

My eyelids are heavy, like small weights over my eyes. Dark curtains slipping silently over the light, preparing me for darkness.

But I’m not afraid of the dark any more. I’m not afraid of anything. My fingers slide aimlessly over my forearms, raised lines meeting my fingertips in small intervals. Scars from long ago that once were painful reminders of a darker time, but were now a road map to where I was headed.

Then it all went inky black. No more light, no more sound, no more pain.

 

 

(*)

 

 

My journey was now over. I was here. Back in the place that they wouldn’t let me visit anymore. They said that it was bad for me, unhealthy, that the man I talked about didn’t exist; but I knew he was real. I was coming to this place to find him again, to tell him that I wasn’t going to leave this time. Here was my home.

The landscape here is violently different. There is no decay, no dark things, no questions asked of me, and no one telling me that it wasn’t possible. The sky was lit up in an ombre of magenta, cascading down to the emerald field that I now stood in. Miles and miles of nothing but lush grasses and ridiculously colored flowers, their shades only possible in fairy tales.

I looked down at myself, wondering what this world had clothed me in, revealing the purest white linen dress. I ran my hand over the neckline, soft eyelet lace greeting my touch. I am so clean here, so pure. No damnation for me, no wrong doing on my part.

My bare toes dug into the soft earth, cool wet moss tickling my feet. I could hear rushing water somewhere near and the scent of violets and roses filled my nostrils. I am really here. This is my home. The place where no one could hurt me, the place where he resided.

I had to find him now. It’s why I came here. He understood me; he knew me. I could tell him everything; I had told him everything. He didn’t want me to leave before and I cried when I told him goodbye. I thought it would be the last I would ever see of him, but I knew better now. I knew that nothing could keep me away from my home.

I float through the fields, calling out to him, reaching my arms out to find his touch. Was he invisible to me now? Had I been gone so long that he too had disappeared from this place. I begged him to come out of hiding. I begged him to find me in this vast existence, hoping that I wouldn’t get lost in this fantastical dream.

Then I saw him, sitting under my favorite tree, the one with the long drooping branches and the cobalt flowers with their radiating petals. He just sat there, his knees tucked into his face, his arms wrapped around them. So still, like a statue. No movement what so ever.

I called out to him, but there was no response, no movement. Was he gone? Was the form that I took in of him nothing but a shell? A husk?

I knelt down in front of him, placing my hand upon his knees. He was cold to the touch, like marble, and even with the heat of my hands on his flesh, he didn’t move.

“Wake up.” I cooed, sliding my hands up to meet his face that he hid from the light. There was still no response, just stoic immobility.

“Wake up.” I whispered again, quietly running my fingers through his dark hair. Even in this statuesque form, his curling locks were as soft as ever.

Still, there was no movement from him, not a single sway in the warm fragrant breeze that blew about us.

“Please, don’t be gone. You cannot have left me here all alone.” Tears began to well in my eyes as I sat back, flat on the moist earth.

I reached out and ran my fingers down the face of the man that sat before me. Tracing lines down his arms, to the top of his hands that still rested, interlaced on his knees. I let my fingers play down over his legs, right to his toes that were buried in the soft grass.

“Please,” I begged, rocking back in my seated position, drawing my own knees to my face.

“Don’t go; don’t leave me.” I began to sob, rocking myself back and forth. All the memories that I had of he and I together came flooding back. The hours of talking, laid out under this very tree. The cool dark nights where we sat by the pond only feet from here, trailing our toes in the water as we held hands. The countless games we’d play, running through the lush fields, climbing trees, and searching for flowers to braid in my hair.

In the other world I lived in, these memories sounded idiotic, absurd, silly; but here I knew they were real. They were truth.

“Have I been gone so long that you too, have fled? Did they take you away from me too?” I wept, rolling forward on my knees, perched to embrace his lifeless form.

“Where are you?” Hot tears spilled over his icy skin and slid down to his toes as I cradled him in my arms.  I couldn’t stand it. If his being wasn’t here any longer, I at least wanted one last look at his beautiful face. The face that gave me courage, strength…hope.

I lifted his head with ease, which surprised me considering his sculptured like stance. His eyes were closed, his lips drawn in a grimace. Tiny little crystals gathered at the corners of his eyes; hot tears frozen in time.

“You thought I’d never come back, didn’t you? You thought I just left you here, but I didn’t. I came back for you. I—I love you.” I began to cry harder as I leaned into his face, pressing my forehead against his like we always did in sweet contentment.

It was here that I felt that tug again. That tug deep in my gut. The one that made me sick every day that I existed in that other world. It was him, his unspoken love, that pulled a spot so deep inside me I could only describe it as being my soul. I missed his gentle touch, his sweet words, his soft kiss. I couldn’t let them take him away from me permanently. He was mine, not theirs. I needed him here. I had to have him.

“I have to have just one last kiss. Even if you don’t return it, I at least know that I tried.” I cradled his face in my hands, staring at his frozen expression. I leaned in slowly, savoring every moment like it were my last, because it might have very well been.

I closed my eyes, preparing for my lips to meet his and when they did, my heart would leap in my chest just as it always had. Even if he wasn’t here, my love for him was.

Our lips touched finally and I began to cry harder. Would this be the last time that our lips met? I did everything I could to come back here for him and now I was left alone in this beautiful world. This perfect place that had been created just for us.

“Please, don’t leave me.” I whispered to his face, releasing myself from him for only a moment before returning. My heart began to race as I clung to him, crying hot and bitter tears against is frozen skin.

I gripped his face, my lips still pressed against his as tears rolled down my face onto his hands that were still palm side up against his knees.

I was lost in the moment, remembering all the times we spent together, the places we went. I was so enthralled in that moment that I didn’t notice him stirring beneath me.

His hands then moved from their resting position and found my face, cupping my cheeks in his hands.

“Don’t cry, baby.” His lips moved so slightly against mine that I almost didn’t realize it. His finger swept underneath my glistening eyes and removed any trace of my hot tears.

I opened my eyes for a moment to see his chocolate eyes staring back at me.

“You didn’t leave me?” I hiccupped, leaning back from him to focus on his beautiful face.

“I would never leave you. I just couldn’t stand being here without you. I left too. But I could hear you calling me. I had to come back and save you.” His voice resonated around me, deep and melodic.

I threw myself at him now, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying myself in his strong chest. He laced his arms around me in return, tangling his fingers in my long wavy hair.

“I love you. I always have. I knew you’d come back.” He whispered in my ear, squeezing me tightly. I huddled as close to him as I possibly could, crying again not because of sorrow, but out of sheer bliss.

“I won’t ever leave you again. That was the last time. I’m home now.” I breathed, turning my face up to his. He bent down gently and caught my lips softly. We moved in unison together, the violent colors of our world swirling around us like a spring storm.

“You are home. We’re home. And I will never let you go again.” He whispered back, gripping me so close I knew he’d never let go.

“I love you.” I sighed, closing my eyes against his warming form.

“And I love you.” He returned, pulling my closer than he ever had before.

We were together again. The pain of that world left behind couldn’t affect us here. The scars we carried didn’t exist here. Only our love and the beautiful world that we created.

We were really home and no one could evict us from this shared fantasy. The love was ours and they couldn’t ever take that away.


© Copyright 2019 Emilee Mari. All rights reserved.

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