Ride On.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just another person that wants to go to heaven.

Submitted: June 02, 2014

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Submitted: June 02, 2014

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Ride On.

 

I want to get away from here. I want to leave everything behind. I want to start off new. Why? The better question is, why would I want to stay? Whats the point in living, when you don't even understand the definition of life? If you think about it, why do we spend our childhood wishing to be all grown up, if all we ever wish for when we're grown up is to be a child again? We all get born for the same reason. To die again. So what does our existence matter? It doesn't. Each day another piece of me dies. I ride on. 'Are you okay?', always the same question. 'I'm fine.', always the same lie. I stopped talking about how I feel, because I know no one cares anyway. Everyone is so busy living their own life. No one would even realize I'm gone. Its like I'm drowning in my own thoughts. Every day I wake up and just look forward to sleeping again. I'm tired. Physically and mentally. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. When you wake up your nightmare ends, but when I wake up my nightmare starts. I don't want to wake up anymore. I can't explain it, but I'll try finding a song that can. Maybe one of my own songs.

 

You think you want to die, but actually you just want to be saved. No one is saving you, so you loose hope. Again. You want to die. We're all addicted to something that takes the pain away. Good or bad. I'm like a lit cigarette, slowly disappearing. I'm almost burnt down, almost gone. Or like my whisky bottle after a lonely night. Empty. I'm alone now. No one. Alone. I'm better off dead than alone. I'm happier that way.

 

Never make a promise you can't keep. I did. I made a promise I couldn't keep. I broke her heart. She can't tell me that I didn't try, because I did. Every single day. I was sick of saying sorry, so I said goodbye. I had to say goodbye. I broke my promise. I left. Without a warning. I just left. I think about her everyday. She will never be able understand why I did. I know it hurts her. But trust me, she's better off without me. It got too much. I can't handle too much. Too much stress. She expected me to be perfect, I'm far away from being perfect. I'm the furthest thing from perfect. She expected me to smile and act like everything was wonderful. She wanted me to kiss her and tell her that I'll stay with her forever. How could I tell her that, if I knew it wasn't true? If I knew it would never be true? If I knew I'd kill myself before that so called forever could start. She wanted to have kids, she had thought of their names already. River and Blake. One girl, one boy. She had planned out our entire life, without paying any attention to my plans. I ran away. I'm still running. I'm to scared to return.

 

Pain makes people change, I changed. One day I will kill myself. If its not today, maybe tomorrow. If its not tomorrow, maybe in a year. But I know that at some point I will. I stopped looking both ways before crossing the street. I stopped wearing my seatbelt in the car. I stopped caring whether I'm alive or not. It's just another normal day and I have a million reasons to be happy. Yet here I am, once again thinking of a million reasons to kill myself. Suicidal people are just angels that want to go home. I'm an angel. I want to go home. 


© Copyright 2020 Emily Candelario. All rights reserved.

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