A Walk in the Dark

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
An essay on one mother's struggle with depression

Submitted: November 13, 2011

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Submitted: November 13, 2011

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I have not always been who I am today.  For a brief moment, I was everything I want to be.  I had finally concurred the depression that had hung over me.  I was a happy and healthy new mom who was full of energy.I was my perception of my extraordinary self.For a second, I was and had everything I wanted and then it was gone.  I look back at the stitch in time with longing and regret.  I am ashamed that I have lost that person.  I am ashamed of who I have become.  It would be easier to not have known that person because I would not know what I am missing now. 

 

Where did that person go?Feelings of insignificance and shame fought their way back to the surface and she fell into shadows. She felt overwhelmed by the habits of her happy, healthy self and slipped into the old patterns of self-destruction.  I buried my extraordinary self beneath layers of “I can’t” and “I don’t deserve”.  Soon I found the person I had always seen myself to be.  I wound myself into the self-pitying, self-loathing, self-destructive cycle I am now ensnared in.

 

Depression shrouds me in darkness.  I know this heaviness. There is a strange comfort in this despair.  It feels like coming home.  Not the home I would choose but the home that has always been there.  A place where I feel like I belong.  I can huddle in the cover of its darkness and disengage from the reality outside.  A reality that is my husband, my children, my job.A reality in which I could feel happy or sad, success or failure, comforted or alone.  In the darkness, I can hide from feeling.  I can excuse myself from emotion.  I can live in numbness.  So easy and comfortable is this place that I cannot pull myself from it.  I cannot bring myself to look for the extraordinary self I have lost.  I no longer believe I could find her.

 

The darkness is a drug that keeps me safe and numb in my own world.  It is stronger than any medication I have taken to try to overcome it.Not even the love I have for my family can help me defeat it.  As I walk in the dark, I see my husband and children through the haze.  I know I am missing the colors of their everyday lives.They are in the light just outside of my grasp.  I am afraid I will never find a way to them or the person I want to be again.

 

 

 


© Copyright 2020 Emily Mundell. All rights reserved.

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