I knew it was coming, I could feel it. I didn’t want it to come, but it did. It is something most dread, and it is something some can’t wait for. For me, it was both. I didn’t want it to happen, and at the same time, I couldn’t wait for it. As cruel as it sounds, I couldn’t wait for him to die.
It was about 10:00 in the morning, I was listening to music. Then I was disturbed by a phone call.
A lot of people are never prepared for their biggest fears, but I never ever believed I was ready for this. I saw the name on my phone, took a deep breath, and answered it. I stuttered when saying hello. But as soon as I got the news, I felt that tear rush down my face. I hung up the phone, and ran for my life. I got my mom to give me a ride to the final destination. It felt like the longest car ride of my life. The entire time, I tried to hold it together.
As soon as we pulled up, I got out of the car, took a deep breath, and walked. I knew exactly where I was going because it wasn’t the first time. I couldn’t tell you how many times, I felt dizzy, and numerous people asked me if I was okay. I just continued walking. When I finally arrived at room 020, I looked in, and saw his helpless body lying there.
I rushed to his side as fast as I could, grabbed his hand. He looked at me the same way, as he did when I first saw his baby blues. He smirked, and I couldn’t help but smile. I kissed him on the cheek, and he whispered to me “you missed”. I was overall confused, but then he leaned in. Within seconds I felt his warm lips against mine. I didn’t open my eyes, even when it was over because for the first time ever, I knew it was the real thing. He knew it, and I knew it. I knew that for the final time, I would be seeing my best friend smile, laugh, cry, breathe and blink.
A few doctors came in, and checked some things. They asked him some questions, like if he was in any pain, or if he could breathe, I couldn’t look at him, because I didn’t want to see him end this way. In pain. When they left, he opened up a piece of paper, and began to read it to me.
After everything we have been through, I never ever thought it would end this way. I tried really hard to keep you alive, and it ends this way. I remember all of our small moments, and I will appreciate them forever. I never wanted this for you, and I never wanted you to have to say goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye. But its time.
One thing that I love about you is that you are strong. You have been so strong, we did it baby girl. Yes, I said I love you. Because I do.
I promise you I will watch over you, every time you hear our song, I will be with you.
I love you.
I cried for a while, I was in a lot of pain, because I was so in love with him. When I saw his mom come in, I was about to stand up, but then he grabbed my hand, and held it. His mom looked at him, and smiled. He told her about me, and everything that ever happened between us, how we met. Everything. I couldn’t help but get emotional, because he remembered every little detail about me.
A little later, he told me he was hurting. It was getting harder for him to breathe, and I told him to let go. He told me to get in bed with him, and we held on to each other for a long time. The doctor came in, and asked if he wanted any pain medication, and he always said no. He wanted to go naturally. He kissed me over and over again, and told me he didn’t want to die. It broke my heart to hear someone I care so much about say that. The worst part about it, was knowing I couldn’t help. I made him as comfortable as he could be.
Soon later, we both fell asleep. His arm around my body, and my hand was holding his. Our legs tangled into each other. I had a dream about him talking to me. Him telling me all of these things. Things I always wanted to hear. He told me that it was the best way for him to die, and that he isn’t hurting anymore. At that moment I knew he was gone.
I woke up crying, I shook him. I called for him. I saw that he had no pulse. I saw that his face was pale. I called for a doctor, a nurse, someone. The doctor rushed in, and didn’t do anything. I was so mad, because he didn’t save him. The doctor told me that it was what he wanted; it’s what he told everyone. He wanted to die, he didn’t want the pain, and he wanted to die in my arms.
I lied with him. I felt his body, and it was still warm. I held his hand, until it became cold. I didn’t want to leave him. I couldn’t. But eventually I had to. I couldn’t do anything, but leave, and walk away. No one will ever understand how much that hurt me.
A few weeks later his mom called me about his funeral. She wanted me to say something. So I told her I would. I had to manage to pull myself together for this because I know he would be there. In spirit, watching me like he promised he would.
When it was time for the funeral, I managed to get a nice black dress, and a pair of wedges. When I got to the church I brought this teddy bear that I told him about. If I ever died, I told him he could have it. I put it in his casket. When it was time to deliver my speech, I slowly walked up to the stand. Looked over at some pictures of Daniel. I said hello to him, and continued my walk.
I opened my speech by saying how we met and it got everyone laughing, even me.
“He was everything to me. He was all a girl or best friend could ever ask for. He was special. He was my angel. Just when I needed someone to listen, he came around. Even if it wasn’t an ideal way to meet someone, it still happened. He saved me so many times, that I lost count. He is the reason I am still here, breathing. Living. I’m so happy because of him. His smile, his voice everything about him made me feels better. If I could I would write about how amazing he is until the world ran out of ink. But I can’t. He will be greatly missed by everyone who ever knew him. I will never forget you dandan. “
Everyone clapped. I held it together and pulled off a smile. The one thing I needed was him.
I few months later, I got myself to go to the same spot where we first saw each other. I replayed the entire thing. I sat in the car for a few minutes, because I was as nervous as I was the first time around. I slowly walked into the mall. I had our song playing on replay the entire time. I walked into the soccer store. And stood in the spot that I first saw him. After that I went to the theatre, and looked at the arcade. It was our arcade. It was where things went from awkward, to the most amazing thing I have ever been through. I walked closer to it. And went to the air hockey table. I brushed my finger, along it, and remembered how he beat me at the one game we played. I also remember the many times he ran his hands across my body, and hugged me. I shivered, and felt his hands around me. I smiled, and whispered “welcome home” I couldn’t find myself to cry. I looked around the arcade remembering every moment we spent together.
He was everything I could have ever wanted. But this is the end.
© Copyright 2016 emilyjanexo. All rights reserved.
Book / True Confessions
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