Hiding My Fears

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Will a boy striving to make it big in the world of film and also, trying to get the girl of his dreams, succeed? Of course not.

My hands almost touched hers when I handed a hundred and two pages of script to her, not even a third of the final product. She is sitting at the table, and I am standing in front of a stool set by it. Should I stay and sit while she reads, or should I walk out? If I walk out, where will I go? I decide to sit.

I stare at her and smile. I stare at her eyes, which are racing across the pages. I might just be imagining this, but they look like the eyes of a person hungry for more. Hope rises in my chest. Then I stare at her hands, both clutching the paper tightly. She wants more, I think to myself and my smile relaxes because I am not so afraid anymore.

Then I feel as if I have betrayed her. I have sat here and watched her do one of the most personal things one can do in life – read something for the first time. Suddenly, I feel uncomfortable, embarrassed for her, ashamed of myself.

And all of my fears come back in a wave of anxiety. Now I am not so sure if my smile is adequately hiding my fears anymore because they all came back so quickly, but I do not let my smile falter. My smile has to hide all of my fears.

My fear of my script not being nearly good enough to be made into a movie, or a play, but maybe a poorly written musical performed at elementary schools. My fear of my script not impressing this girl. My fear of my chances of a date going from slim to none. My fear of rejection, of pain, of going home with nothing but a “no” on her lips and a scowl on my face.

Yes, it is probably better just to smile. All of my fears might scare this girl away.

I feel as if I am stealing her soul as I watch her read but isn't she stealing my soul as she reads my work? So that means I am stealing her soul only because she is stealing mine, which is totally justified, right?

What if she heard my heartbeat? What if she noticed the adrenaline-like effect my anxiety gave to me? What if now, I just look like a moron, having anxiety over a script? Well, of course I do. But maybe she didn't notice. Hopefully.

I can tell she slows down her reading and loosens her grip on my script. She is less captivated now, she has obviously been satisfied. Her want for more has been nurtured and no longer exists. There's something else too, something I don' dare to think because if I do, my defensive smile will crack.

Now I know I must look like a clown, but it must be better than looking like a sad, lost, scared little boy. Or at least I tell myself that.

My mind wanders into a million questions... What is she thinking? What could I have done differently? Could I have written it better? What could I have done differently? What is she thinking? Should I have changed scene 11, like my editor suggested? Would she be thinking better things if I had? Why is she shaking her head? What does it mean when she bites her lip like that? Is there a better technique I should've used? What is she thinking? Does she like the protagonist? Is the whole thing too wordy? Is it wordy enough? What is she thinking?

When she's done, she sets the papers down in front of her, neatly. I open my mouth and a question almost falls out of it but she stops it by waving her middle finger at me. I shut my mouth, almost put out by this gesture of silence, but instead of speaking in protest, I obey.

This girl sits there, in her stool, in complete silence with me, staring straight ahead. All I see is an oven backed against a wall, but she must see a pool of thoughts collecting before her eyes. She's concentrating intensely, and I sit here awkwardly, waiting for her to make a decision. Waiting for her to decide my fate.

After what seems like hours, she looks me in the eyes and immediately looks at the table in front of me. She looks sad and I want nothing more than to make her happy and see her smile again. All she does is shake her head and I understand.

I am gone.


Submitted: April 30, 2012

© Copyright 2022 emilyleffler. All rights reserved.

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Comments

redskys

Beautifully written darling!
~Lina

Mon, April 30th, 2012 11:28pm

Ian Dawn

interesting POV nicely written the build of his nervousness was great and teh end just abrupt and finished with the wave of a finger. Just like a woman!!
lol nice job

Tue, May 1st, 2012 2:30am

OpenMinds

Beautifully written!
I really like the way you describe his anxiety.
Great work!

Tue, May 1st, 2012 9:05pm

MyVintageFairytale

Aww thats kind of sad honestly, though it is a very interesting peice of writing. You can obviously tell there are a lot of nerves inside him, that he's freaking out. I like that.

Xo
MyVintageFairytale

Wed, May 2nd, 2012 12:43am

Deathstix

Poor guy-he didn't win at the end...Oh, well. I like how you depicted the narrator's nerviousness. Can I give a suggestion, though? In the summary, I think you kind of gave the whole thing away with the last sentence 'Of course not.' It would have been better if you didn't put it so that it can leave the reader in suspense-wanting to find out what truly happens at the end.
Overall, your a wonderful writer and I did enjoy reading this. Guten tag!
With all due respect, Deathstix.

Wed, May 2nd, 2012 2:29am

arun

...not so sure if my SMILE is... (S is missing)
...stealing her soul as I watch... (remove SHE after 'as')
...adrenaline-like EFFECT she... (not 'affect') Please learn the difference between affect and effect. A lot of writers do make that mistake.
'defensive smile' - I like that phrase! Wow...
...when she BITES her ip... (typo: biter)

Oh my! Wonderful plot really. You neatly portrayed how trepidation can drive a person's thoughts in random directions! Wonderful plot!
It is realistic, too. The protagonist has both the courage and fear - a very rare point in one's life. Courage to write the script and submit, and fear if it will get rejected.
The cool way the protagonist handled his rejection "I'm gone," is heroic! A change in his disposition. A cimax must bring in some changes, at least, one, in a plot. In this, the protagonist acquires the strength to accept defeat - my own interpretation; perhaps, it maybe wrong.
The randomness of his thought patterns, yet focussed upon the rejection/acceptance is well drawn. I do appreciate it.
A further background added in the story, like who is she and who he is, what he wrote, why, etc would have made the story more lively. You were able to make the whole plot look mystique until the end without revealing any details. It was a beautiful technique.
Do work on punctuations. A lot of sentences are written just like that.
Keep writing.
Take care :)

Wed, May 2nd, 2012 6:21am

Jan Gabriel

I like how you were able to make use of the image of the struggling artist and expound on the character's feelings. You also made very good use of observation here, and the way you portrayed the characters thoughts. It was a very nice story overall, and I think someone with your potential should keep on writing. :) Stay passionate!

Wed, May 2nd, 2012 8:37am

ClarinetCandy

Great short story, I spotted a tipo in paragraph 4 'my mile' I think this should probably say 'smile.' I really enjoyed reading it though.

Wed, May 2nd, 2012 5:49pm

InfinityAndBeyond

I loved how tense this was and how he kept changing his actions based on what the girl was doing. I also love how you don't mention names and just use he, she ect.. Just a couple of typos but that's fine, nobody can write a perfect story!
Really great work keep it up :D

Fri, May 4th, 2012 6:27am

The Rebel Flamingo

Very well written, but a bit rambling. It tends to go in circles and lose the readers interest. Try replacing some of the more common words with more innovative synonyms. See if that helps a bit. Other than that, it was very good.

Mon, May 7th, 2012 12:17am

LupusAmator

OK, I'll try to remember what I wrote, but I honestly can't remember anything :P Hm, I think I put that I like how you described his nervousness and anxiety, I liked that a lot. Um, I also worte that I like how you write, and that I would gladly read another of your stories. So, that's all I remember :D

Mon, May 7th, 2012 12:55pm

Jean Lagace

This is good. Can it be that we are all like this? There is suspense in this story. This character could be part of a bigger one where you would make him write his way out of anonimity.

Mon, May 14th, 2012 2:50pm

meenakshi sharma

hiding the fear . hmm . interesting and really a good work. :)

Tue, May 15th, 2012 6:53am

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