Erik part 2 about my last couple of weeks...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

How i feel,and felt since the beginning of April 2012..

How I feel now ... like an jojo is ... it really sucks feeling and yet somewhere how small it is, still a bit of hope. You always got to have hope even when it rains look for the sunshine in you and around you. Like walking in an dessert after rain you see flowers bloming they might not be as beautifful as the past year but the question's are do you like what you see,sometime it is not what you want or like to see,embrace it ..time and space can be healed,brought together in a different way and enjoy the moment...whether is walking in your dreams,walking in some park or meeting new people or being together with the one you date'd sometimes you come out differently,sometimes you come out stronger,sometimes you come out....just relax,enjoy the moment,the company and share the fruits...new routes.Have an hear that never hardens,a temper that never tires,a touch that never hurts.Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,a smile,a kind word. A listening ear,an honest compliment or the smalles act of caring all which have the potential to turn a life,a moment,a hope around...

From previous year 2005 found myself very cautiously life, too many blockages in me but slowly began to live again I inwardly and it showed outside. My demon with and found what i call my past .As a professional soldier in Afghanistan,Bosna,Kosovo and various exercise and deployments around the globe,i learned to be hard… and it showed somehow in my interaction with society outside world in my behavior I can come out stug and hard but innerwise very sensitive.It can still remember when I took the step for myself, was somewhere in April 2011. I started to see who I really was ... step by step. Every step I took was for a reason ... and everything has a reason why you began precisely at that moment, that spot, that moment in time..

I was able to find what i call inner peace... , a place again in and around in my the family,friends,work in the society in terms of feeling's and thinking. I thought it was good in the beginning not to show too much,being afraid that my wall's stand so firm,,afraid of really showing who i am,afraid of falling and there is no way to climb out..yet ...and yes it would hurt inside. Now again another personal climb step by step . I finally figured,though,found/I feel someone who really understands me, someone where I finally felt a connection that went deeper than just inwardly on the outside. Who open my eyes,my inner eyes... Now ask me was it mannely or not what I've done? Read many story's, to open up your self, your manhood is in itself vulnerable, you see your self ,your weakness, your strength, hardness, express your self to be someone you really. Have never seen and never been to a place where i had to expose myself so inwardly in and around me as an man.That was what i felt really being naked almost like an baby. For other's it may be quite normal but not for me. Slowly, slowly I let my hardnes be broken,remolded and shape ... and it went very quickly once inside me, like a tidal wave came loose. Never had a person gotten me so naked,so vulnerable... As she knew somehow yet didn't knew, at the right time, right place. Funny that we have the same hardness( she know's who she is... Everything felt good, it knocked on everything and everywhere made me more open and real to family and friends.Yes i am so grateful what she has done. And that connection wow .I call it an inner,maybe "spirituel connection,mental,fysical,emotional... "call what ever you want to see,never seen,felt something like that. I also know that this would never happen again (it is like we are two twin souls coming back together after centuries wandering through the dessert, so it feels within me). Never ,ever told anyone(woman) why I find her really nice, not standard bla bla bla that most guys would share just to get into her pants,woon her,nice trips,nice words ,back into her pants and when he is tired of her move's on to the next one, but i wanted to know her true inner qualities”” ….being me that says a lot considering my past. The beauty is that we are both uncertain inside(the place we have the hardest time,unconsiously to admit to ourselfs when we are truly alone at home..that it sometimes feels like we are running away from our very true selfs through work,work,party's you name it but bottom line is when your dog tired you feel there is this emptyness deep in side of you that only you know..the hardest part is do we admit that how painful it is to ourselfs....that cannot be blown away by a cigarte,a joint(wich at times very nice) our close friends or family...

Just my thoughts nothing special and certainly not thinking or quessing for anywone...but that is another story that was talked out and shared...talking about sharing and talking that is the other part what i like about her..is that somehow no matter how big or smal we where always able to talk it out and that is the way it should go whether your single,dating,in a relationship with someone or with your family and friends.That is what i call true character and strength!!

And now I'm worried that i wil get hurt again and this time it is ten times as heavy and painful. I have asked i am willing to be afraid agin, to trust someone again ... I don't need status, don't need beautiful expensive car or top job you name it. Nice to know someone where i really trust , to share everything,have fun together, to grow innerly and outward, someone really care's,like's me and is happy whith me and the other way around, someone who accepts me as I am as i accept her as she is. Someone where I also can,could ,like to lean on if I am tired. I am just too tired be strong for others, tired to come and help others. No one never really askme, Erik are you happy, are you happy with your life,what would you like to do,what are your needs.. ex cetera.Sometime's i wonder is thislife a curse inside me that i have to endure at the expense of God and the Devil?.

But now my soul has finally found someone where, my soul is at rest,at peace..she found her spot in the cosmos or whatever one feels like saying... and once again i feel my soul is as the distance between the star's and the moon, only her warmth an a beacon of light in the darknes like an lighthouse, and yet it feels cold and empty inside ...my soul. Every evenings i sit,stand outside , not only for an smoke ,but also to enjoy the tranquility, the wind blowing through me,like an natural feeling with all her beautiful sides and then I look at the stars and I think wow ... we look both to the stars and yet so close but so far apart ... i even started to taking walks in the playground where we used to work in the military and even there i can sit and gaze at the beauty like the way i do at home at night.


Submitted: April 21, 2012

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