Mike, Alan and Dick are sat at a table. Table is scattered with documents. Alan has a laptop out. George is pacing up and down in front of the men looking agitated.
George: We need something that will hook them! Something...something hooky!
Alan: Mr President, if I may? [Pause] Thank you. We could give free healthcare...like the British?
George: Hell no! [Pulls out a cigar and lights it] We can’t do what the British do. We already have too much in common.
Mike: What do you propose, George?
George: I was thinking...I was thinking that we could...we could legalize something. Something interesting.
Alan: [To Mike] I don’t like where this is going.
Dick: We could legalize marijuana? The Dutch have it.
Mike: Absolutely not.
George: I’ve got it! [Claps his hands] We could legalize assisted suicide!
Alan: Mr. President, euthanasia is a very controversial issue, we cou-
George: What has this got to do with the youth in Asia? I said assisted suicide, you fool!
Alan: [Pause, looking extremely confused] Yes. Sir, I think it’s safer if we stay away from that.
George: Ah, I’m getting desperate! We need more votes!
Alan: I’m still suggesting that we better our healthcare.
George: [Ignoring Alan] We could do what JFK did! He promised to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade or something, right?
Mike: But that’s already done.
Alan: [Sarcastic] Unless you want to put a man on the sun.
George: [Excited] Yes, yes! Why not the sun?!
Dick: It’s a bit hot I think, George.
George: [Even more excited] Well, send them up during winter then! That’s perfect. Gee, thanks Al!
Alan: [To Mike] Jesus! Is he being serious? [To George] Mr. President, what if we-
George’s office phone rings
George: [Into mouthpiece] Hello. [Pause] Yes. [Pause]. Send them in.
Enter Thomas, Henry, Tim and Blake. Sit around the table.
George: Thank you for coming, gentlemen. Please make yourselves comfortable and err...comfort yourselves with the seats.
Mike: As you all know, gentlemen, the president has suggested we invade a country, for reasons he will make clear shortly. However [pause, and scribbles down a note], please remember that everything is open to debate.
George: Err...yes, thank you Michael. Right. [Nervous pause]. I have called this conference...to...err… to discuss a problem. This problem has proven to be very problematic and it has been...err...drawn to my attention...err... that a conference is needed. [Pause] As the president of the United States of America, a lot of people...err….misunderestimate me. And the situation we’re in doesn’t help-
Thomas: And what may that situation be, Mr. President?
George: Oh, you know...the usual err… economic problems.
Thomas: Yes, bu-
George: [Simultaneously with ‘but’] As I was saying, I have been misunderestimated much to my unliking. I have therefore concocted a plan to...err [glances down at notes] to rid us of this foul spectre that perpetually dogs our footsteps like a shadowy shadow of melancholy.
Blake: What in the holy fuck does that mean?
George: Well, err I guess it means that we need to err-
Mike: To sort out this mess.
George: Yes, yes, I couldn’t have put it better myself.
Blake: Yes, we know you couldn’t, Mr. President.
George: [Looking confused] Did you? Oh. Anyway. I was thinking of invading a country with oil.
Thomas: Gee, that’s an excellent idea Mr. President! I’ll just go home and get my secret goblins to give us a hand.
George: [Looking genuinely thankful] Why, thank you Thomas. But of course, we can’t just invade a country. We have to have a reason.
Alan: [Undertone, sarcastic] Here comes the genius part.
Mike: Now, gentlemen, this part of the President’s plan is rather controversial. But I think there’s some sense. [Pause, glances down at notes] The President suggests we stage a terrorist attack. We attack our own people, but blame it on easily blame-able people, like Daffy Duck or Muslims.
Tim: What is George suggesting as a target?
Mike: We have two targets: the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon.
Blake: Are you outta your mind?! Do you know how many people will die? Do you know how much that will cost us? Do you know that...what on earth do you know, Mr. President?
Mike: And there’s the controversial part. As I said, there is some sense in this. One: who will suspect that the American government will harm its own people? Two: if, though I don’t see how, people do suspect something, it will just be another conspiracy theory, like JFK and Lee Harvey Oswald. And the Moon landings, even though that was actually real.
Thomas: Supposing we carry this out. Who do we blame?
Mike: Well seeing that Daffy Duck is fictitious, we’ll go for the next best thing: Muslims.
Thomas: Yes, but who or what in particular?
Mike: Do you remember Osama?
Thomas: Of course I do. He was one of our very valuable assets. It’s a shame his kidney infection got the better of him.
Mike: Well you see, nobody knows about him. Well, they shouldn’t. After he died, we did not release the death certificate. So, anybody who knows him still thinks he’s alive. We can demonise him.
Blake: You mean make him some sort of extreme-Muslim-terrorist-gang leader?
Mike: Exactly that.
Blake: How on earth is that gonna work?
Mike: With great difficulty. But it will. Society nowadays will believe what they want to believe even if the truth is shitting on their faces. So, all in favour, clap your hands.
[Everyone claps, except Alan]
George: Well then, that’s that. Enforce operation ‘Politically Evasive National Incident Scheme.’ Or P-E-N-I-S, to make it less hard.
Alan: It had to be that, didn’t it?
End of Scene 3
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