Time is never Important

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Have you ever really looked at time and wondered its importance?

Submitted: August 15, 2012

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Submitted: August 15, 2012

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3:12am: I sit here wondering about you and me and all that you want me to be yet I cannot, you rest with your eyes close having sweet dreams about the man of your fantasies as I sit here and wonder about how I could have been that which you dream of.

 

3:13am: I am frustrated sitting her screaming out loud punching the walls as my knuckles bleed, is this what you call love? or is this hate that has taken over me because you no longer understand that I am no longer human but a man on his knees pleading for mercy.

 

3:14am: Why must  I continue to cry these tears, thinking about killing myself again, thinking about ending this pathetic life because you my dear have told me that you wanted more of me and more that I could not supply you with. You need a real man in your life and I am not that guy, you sit there and try to figure out this course of time that we have yet to find out, you want to know the future yet we are still here in the present and that is even fucked up. How can I begin to trust myself if I cannot trust you? How can I being to really understand this emotion that you have for me when I don't have it for myself? When I came to the city of Brotherly Love you told me the truth, but when I didn't speak you shun me or did I shun you? Did I not make you mines? Did I hurt you did I make your heart bleed inside? If I did so I apologize.

 

3:17am: My fingers are tired and my room is cold. The brisk October wind is taking its revenge on my body, I shiver knowing that I have pushed you aside and that you are no longer a emotional thought but just a friend. Why do things have to be so complex? Why do things never work out like they are supposed to? As I continue to think and think I grab my sheet and cover myself up, I feel naked without your touch, your lips are no longer one with mines and they will probably never be again.

 

3:20am: Something is different I can hear the tension in my head, this must be a migraine and its hurts but not as must as those tears coming down you light skinned cheeks when I told you to, "leave me alone" I no longer wanted anything to do with you, I no longer wanted anything to do with me. I go down stairs and grab a knife and start to release this tension.

 

3:22am: The cutting begins I dig slowly into my wrist I could see the skin tearing and the red liquid gently seeping out. This doesn't feel good but it suppressed the pain, today I went on Facebook and looked at our pictures damn those were some good times , how I wish I was back there again inside of you as you touched me and caressed me with your fingertips, yet I cut more and more and blood splatters onto the table cloth below. What has become of my life? Again I have let myself slip into that dark tunnel in my mental state, that path that has caused me so much trouble in the past; yet I cannot escape it the Devil has me.

 

3:25am: The cutting gets more intense and I envision you wrapped up. Tomorrow is going to be a better day for you however I myself cannot speak. Will I commit suicide tonight? Or will I live to see another day? This pain is too much to bear and I don't want to deal with this life anymore.

 

3:26am: I take the knife to my throat.

 

3:27am: I start to tug and at first it doesn't bleed so I decide to pull it closer to my skin and pull a little more. 

 

3:28am: More and More.

 

3:29am: Blood is dripping.

 

3:30am: Stopping myself I go to the bathroom sink and cleanse myself from the sin that I have brought upon me. Looking to the ceiling I ask God for forgiveness yet I don't believe he hears me. Does he even care to think about my ordeal? Does he even give a fuck about my feelings for myself? My feelings for you? 

 

3:31am: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME?

 

3:32am: I fall to the ground I must have bled too much tonight, I have an epiphany maybe life is worth something? Maybe its worth another trip to you or maybe this is my final trip that which is a one way ticket to Hell. Why did it have to happen this way? Why did I have to notice that today of all the days that people would be so full of shit and not even give a damn about my life but only give a fuck about their own.

 

3:32am: Again I'm on Facebook as I type I smear blood all over my keyboard, the letters of the keys are no longer black and white but red, black and white, these happen to be my favorite colors. Am I going crazy? Am I confused? Love was something that I thought was true but now I see that it never really existed. Feeling like I shot myself in the heart I take another look at your profile, you look all peaceful in that red blazer, smiling and happy. Why am I not happy? What is happiness? 

 

3:35am: God if you are there why the fuck are you taking so long to answer my calling? You seem to be giving all of my peers everything. As I search through Facebook everyone has a new baby, a new job, a new girlfriend, a new car, are in a new fraternity/sorority. Everyone is happy, why is this lord? Are you just blessing everyone and forgetting about me? Am I not important? 

 

3:37am: I pick up the Holy Bible and look though the new Testament, there is nothing that is helping me. Ripping out pages I start to cry and wish I was dead. There is still blood coming from my wrist. Rubbing my throat I could feel where the knife became one with my flesh. All I ever wanted was to be accepted yet I am no longer wanted by this world, I am no longer wanted.

 

3:40am: Entering my kitchen I take the Bible and light in up in flames, As the book burns I watch the paper become ash and I feel that even this Holy word couldn't save me from what I'm about to do. All I wanted was you to be my everything yet all I got was miscommunication. Everyone tells me they understand yet they don't all they know is what they see, all the continue to do is judge me. Well enough is enough. I'm done being a fool to this world, I am done dealing with all the bullshit that comes with it. Nothing is real anymore. People don't have the capacity to love, people don't have the time to care. Everyday people are alone, homes are in foreclosure, homeless continue to beg and the rich get richer and people that don't deserve shit get everything and as I sit there letting the Bible burn I ask God why does he allow this to happen.

 

3:43: Time is moving with or without me and so will life. You my dear could have had it all, you my dear were special. For all the people who told me I was nothing well maybe you were right. Maybe I am weak and sad yet if I would have been appreciated this would have not happen.

 

3:45am: The Bible is gone and the Knife hits the kitchen floor, Blood is everywhere, I hear the smoke detector go off and I pass out...

 

Fin...

 


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