Hi, I'm Essay. I haven't written in something like the longest, but today, I just typed 'Booksie.com' in the search bar on the computer and started thinking about my life and what's been going on, and I want to share it with anyone who will read.
Love to me is protection and trust. When I'm liking someone, or in the middle of an exciting and dramatic relationship, it makes me feel like I'm protected by the other person. It almost makes me feel like I can trust them, but that's never true. I've had trust issues since 5th grade because I foolishly decided I wanted to get involved in a serious year-long relationship with someone I'd just started liking at the end of 4th grade. At this point in life, I didn't necessarily know how to say 'no' to anything, which is horrible when I think about it.
My trust issues destroy me. It's like I can never be on the deeper-level stuff other people my age can be on, and it hurts me. I'm in love with some. Well, let's just say I really, really, REALLY, like someone so I don't get carried away. He'd been in my writing on the site before as Ricky. Everyone loves to tell me how he doesn't like me, and how he doesn't care about me, and that's difficult to hear, especially when I would be (since it's summer and I don't see him) running around just dying for his approval in things, and I know that's okay, but trust me, I've tried so hard to stop. I stopped talking to him for a week in... March, I believe and he came back to me, telling me we needed to be friends again. He said he enjoyed me sitting with him at lunch - and trust me, I enjoyed it too. So we went back to friends, much to the dismay of my best friend.
That week of not talking was killer. Like, I had to close my eyes everytime he got around me, so I wouldn't go talk to him, or make eye contact, or wave, or even say hi. They talk about how obsessive I am, and that just makes me more careful when I talk to him. I make sure we're alone because otherwise people will either interupt 24/7 or say something stupid like 'Essay and _hisname_ (which is not Ricky by the way, but it sounds enough like his name) sitting in a tree' like we're in Kindergarten. Yeah, I love talking to him, but my own friends should know how hard I'm trying to keep calm when I get near him.
I know that I can't control who he likes. I know that liking someone comes from the goals that you want to reach in the future, and the type of people you like will help you reach those goals but... I don't understand how he has the goals I want, but I don't have the goals he wants. Last year he went out with this girl who I used to hate back in 5th grade. This year, he started back up with her. Both times ended in heartbreak - and only for him, and sometimes I just wanna call him up and say "You know, a great girl who loves you is right here underneath your nose. You don't have to suffer anymore. All you have to do is love her back."
But I could never say that. Even though my confidence is at a pretty healthy level, the fear of being rejected by him again, might I add, and losing our friendship on top of that, kills me. Unrequite love is awful. Me and my besty just experience it over and over again, her more than I. It's not like cute guys aren't flocking me. It's not like no guys have every liked me. It's just that I only want one, and he doesn't want me back. Maybe if I didn't like him, I would be able to find someone else that I liked just as much, but when I like someone, it goes on until they are removed from my life. I've only liked 3 people in my fifteen years, and two of them moved and now, I don't like them anymore. He's the only one I have left. That's what freaks me out most about the situation.
And I'm pretty picky myself when it comes to other people. My friends and crushes are select. If you don't fit in to the criterea that I like about people, then with me, you have no chance. I just don't think it's fair to the people who have liked me in the past, that I'm too busy running around chasing my one love when they may love me. That's just touching the surface with how much empathy I have. I just don't get why it has to be this way, but I'm not giving up. I've done too much to get him to like me, and I know it's pathetic. I've changed my style, my voice, my hair, and my look all to impress him and nothing works. I've tried being myself, and that was perfect, but it was also last-year's news. He's different in 2013, because of the girl who broke his heart.
If he would only let me, I would take away that pain. We could be broken-hearted togethere. But there are so many things that he has set up in his head that won't let him see what's up, like social status. The story between us is so much longer, but I can't go on. I have to move on from this sadness, and this loneliness.
If any other people are suffering from unrequited love, or need some advice about a crush, or just want to talk to me, you can, and I would love to talk to you too. I really think I have the answers. I want to help people. I want to be a psychologist - it's my life's dream. If I help someone with this, at least I know I have a chance. At least I know I'm appreciated by others, if I can't be appreciated by him.
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