The Last Christmas (emotional)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
a girl who left everything behind :(

Submitted: November 12, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 12, 2011




It was a dark, gloomy dusk of the 24th day of December as the people in town are busy preparing gifts and dinner for Christmas Eve; Erika was alone sitting in one of the old bench at the park. She thought of all the tears, pains and sufferings she had experienced in these past couple of weeks, and wonder how a single guy have caused all of this to her - how he alone could have totally messed up her whole life.

The branches of the trees around her were moving reluctantly as the cold Christmas air blows. Quite and the frosty breeze is slowly penetrating her whole body down to her almost clenched soul, only adding up to her misery. But Erika is not particular aware of what’s happening all over the place, she don’t care if it’s already getting dark ‘coz all she could ever think that time is the sudden occurrence of the most painful event that altered her life forever. And how she wishes she has someone there for her to share even just half of her despair. But she has no one, no one cares…

“It’s been a month.” She muttered.

Jessie is the one who is the reason why her heart fell apart, and as much that - why her life is also falling apart. If she only has that enough courage to stop Jessie from walking away from her earlier, maybe the burdens to which she’s bearing now would somehow lessen. But that’s the problem, Jessie is gone. He had found someone new. Erika is now nothing but a trash to him… He pushed her away, abandoned and rejected with nothing left but sores, including a big responsibility that is ought to be faced by the both of them, but Erika is all alone left to deal with all of this.

Sitting there in an old bench drowning by the memories of Jessie flashing back in her mind, she starts to feel a slight tingle in her heart that releases the tears she had tried to hold back for a long time. And now those tears have finally find their ways to get out, gushing like a blood from her innocent, sparkling blue eyes down to her soft and beautiful face. For almost one month, the memories of Jessie keep haunting him over and over again. She spent her nights sleepless lying in her bed which is almost drenched by her tears. “A tormented coffin” She thought of her bed. In daytime, she often caught herself gazing to nowhere and walking without knowing whether she’s going to something or just walking away. Indeed, the abrupt end of their 4 years together is just too unbearable for her.

... ... ...

A quarter had passed but Erika is still sitting in that old bench.

“Thirty minutes more.” She decided. Because she knew that everyone will notice her teary eyes if she goes home then and they’ll start to wonder what the problem with her was. And Erika doesn’t want that to happen, that pain only belongs to her, no one could understand her in the first place; these are her sorrows, her own private hell.

Erika had learned to be strong, but now every inch of her tells her to finally breakdown. The pains are starting to overwhelm her. How can she remain strong if the person who taught her to be strong is already gone? A few weeks after Jessie left her behind, she could still manage to put a smile on her face. Act like nothing’s wrong and getting happy without him by her side, but she knew deep inside that she’s just going into denial. That no matter what Jessie had hurt her so much, there still a part of her that tells her she loves him. There came a point that she thought she had finally got over him, but the truth is, she just stop showing it and now she doesn’t have any choice but to show it again. She’s back to where an empty soul and teary eyes were. She is just a human being, and she also gets tired of pretending.

... ... ...

Her phone rings and suddenly her awareness get back in the living world.

“Hello Erika? Where are you? You should better go home now, it’s getting late.” The familiar voice immediately made her recognize the person at the other side of the phone. It is Mary, the old woman who care takes of their house and also serves as Erika’s second mother. Mary is really the one who took care of Erika when she was still a baby until now that she became a lady, a beautiful lady with a sparkling blue eyes and a hair that is black as the darkest night.

Since then, Erika’s parents were not by her side. They were either busy making money or fighting over it. Many Christmas had passed, birthdays and special occasions that her parents failed to attend. But behind all of that Erika remained tough, she grew up smart, beautiful with pleasing values. She didn’t mind that her parents had forsaken her; instead she made this as an inspiration to continue with her life and gain lots of recognitions in school to prove to them that she can do well without them by her side.

.. ... ....

“Don’t you worry nanny, I’m now going home.  I just took a walk here in the park.” Erika replied.

“Okay sweetie, just take of yourself. Bye.”


And Erika started walking home; she then wiped a single tear that is running down her face. Took a deep breath and force her self to smile to look even tougher. As if assuring her self that this will be the last tear that she’s going to loose… “No more crying” she thought. Because she knew that it will just make things worse. But can she really fight the pain? If she can’t, then she’ll try to befriend it.

.. ... ... ..

As Erika started to enter their front door, she saw Mary and another face next to her sitting in a sofa.

“Oh here you are sweetie. Glad your home. Ian is here for almost an hour waiting for you.” Mary informed her.

Ian is Erika’s close friend; he’s like a brother to her. They grew up together and also went to the same school. And the fact that Erika is beautiful, Ian just can’t help himself but to fall in love with his best friend. But he’s afraid to confess his feelings. Yes he loves Erika more than a friend but he also cares so much for their friendship that it might end because of his selfishness. Thus, he just chose to keep this as a secret.

“Hi Ian so what brought you here? She smiled to her best friend.

“Nothing important dear, I just want to invite you to have a dinner with me in the house, mom is not there and I just don’t want to spend my Christmas alone. So please come with me…” Ian pleaded.

“But Ian, if I come with you nanny will be left here alone.” Erika explained.

“If that’s the case then let us bring nanny also.” Ian smiled.

“Oh no, no, no, no… don’t worry about me. Erika, sweetie I’ll be doing fine here dear. There’s nothing to worry about. You should come with Ian, okay?” Mary interrupted as she blinks her eye to Ian.”

“Well, if that’s what both of you want.” Erika laughed forcibly.

... ... ....

After a few minutes, they finally arrived at Ian’s house. And they started eating their dinner and enjoyed every moment talking together.

And somehow for just even a short time, Erika had forgotten about her burdens and so thanks to Ian. He had made her smile, not the fake smiles that she puts just to satisfy others. But the true smile from within her.

Soon after they had done eating, they went into the roof top to breathe some fresh air. And so lovely like a romantic drama, they look like lovers under the guise of the moon.

After a brief moments looking at the dark sky above illuminated by the stars, Ian first started the conversation.

“What’s the problem Erika?” Ian asked without taking his sight above.

Erika was surprised, and so she looked straight at Ian.

“Huh? Why you ask me that? I have no problem Ian, I’m fine.” Erika replied as she forced herself to smile.

“You can’t lie to me. I mean, I know that there’s something that bothers you. Erika, it’s not healthy for you keep all your burdens inside. Remember I’m your best friend and I’m willing to listen.” Ian was serious. As Erika’s best friend, he knew that there’s something wrong with her. He looked Erika straight to the eye and he uttered,

“Is it about Jessie?” Ian asked as he knit his eyebrows.

“Of course not and why the hell should I think about that bastard? He’s just a total waste of time, a jerk! He’ll soon die anyway.” As Erika exclaimed such wounding words, she felt her own heart burst to pieces. And again, the unending parade of tears flow from her sparkling blue eyes. Ian could see the pain and anguish from Erika’s eyes. His heart ached for her, if he can only do something to take away the pain from Erika’s heart, surely he already did it. But there’s nothing, there’s nothing he can do but to watch Erika cried.

And so Ian gave Erika a tender hug securing her that she’s not alone. But the tears from Erika’s eyes became more uninterrupted.

“Listen to me Erika; you don’t have to keep it to me. You can convince everybody that you finally got over him, but you can’t lie to me. I know that you’re still hanging on to the memories of Jessie.” Ian muttered as he laid the head of Erika on his shoulder.

Erika can’t say a word aside from a single sob that escaped her throat.

“Don’t worry Erika. Someday you can forget about him and things will be put up together from where they used to be, just be patient.”

“But until when Ian, until when I’m going to endure all of this? ‘Til death already takes place? I’m tired of crying Ian, I’m sick of being tired. I just don’t know why it hurt so much like this; I wanted to pull out my heart to stop the pain within me, ‘coz it really hurts Ian.”

Erika felt her heart skipped a beat every time she said a word. The tears burst even more this time and she added,

“I love him so much Ian, enough to cause my death. I’m forcing to convince myself that everything will be okay. But there’s a part of me that tells me it won’t! Jessie is all I want Ian, he’s all I want.”

Her throat starts to clench and her eyes burn with tears. Ian is hurting, the fact that Erika’s heart beats for someone else made him terribly envious. He wanted to kill Jessie for what pains he caused to Erika.

Ian took Erika’s hand and he held it firmly, then he uttered,

“Erika, enough looking back to Jessie, you should open your heart to someone else and gotta keep going. I’m here to love you best friend. I was hiding my feeling for you for a long time because I’m scared to ruin our friendship, but now I can’t hide it from you anymore. I’m hurting also to see you suffer that way.”

Erika was astonished of what she heard. She never thought that her best friend will fall in love with her. And from that moment, the silence over takes place between the both of them, and it seems deafening. Only the sound of the crickets and the whoosh of the winter air were heard.

“It’s not that easy as what you thought Ian.” words are too stiff from Erika’s mouth. She then took her sight away from Ian.

“But why, tell me?” And he added,

“I love you Erika and I will always do. Just give me space in your heart and I will prove to you that I can do better than Jessie, I’ll never hurt you Erika.”

“I know Ian, I know that you’ll never hurt and leave me. But…”

“But what…? Is it because you’re still expecting for him to love you again? My goodness Erika, for your heart’s sake! Jessie has already someone else. Stop hurting yourself.” He revealed.

Ian couldn’t stop himself from saying those words, and after that he felt sorry for Erika. She’s catching her breath as she cries; the pain in her heart became even worse.

“You don’t have to tell me about that Ian, call me an idiot, martyr, dumb or whatsoever! But the fact that I still love Jessie even how much pain he inflicted in my heart, will never change! Yes, I really wanted to move on, but for some private reason… I couldn’t just keep moving in my life.”

“So tell me what that reason is?” Ian asked curiously.

“I can’t.” She answered right away.

“But why…?” Ian frowned.

“And why are you so much of it? It’s not your problem anymore, and above all… You’re out of it!” She exclaimed with tears falling.

And Erika began walking away from Ian. Crying hard while catching her breath…

“Where are you going Erika…?! I’m sorry!!! Please come back!”

“You don’t care! I’m now going home.”

“But Erika it’s already too late. It’s dangerous for you to go home alone… Let me bring you home.”

“Just leave me alone! I can take care of my self.” She shouted.

“Please Erika, listen to me.” Ian insisted.


Ian was left dumbfounded. His soul was struck of those words and he felt his whole body numbed. This is his entire fault, their friendship is now finished. No more Erika, his one and only best friend. The only girl he had fell in love with. He doesn’t know if he can still bring back the friendship between the two of them, now that Erika already knew that he has special feelings for her.

... ... ....

Erika is running away from the place that suffocated her. She’s running as fast as she could away from Ian. She’s grieving, “there’s no reason for me to continue my life” she thought. Her parents had forsaken her, the guy she loves more than her life dump her aside, and now her best friend, she’s also starting to loose him.

She was bath with tears and sweat. The pain she felt was doubled this time… she can almost feel her heart beat hammering in her throat, very painful… As if it will burst.

... ... ....

When she knew that she’s way too close in their house, she started walking. And soon she was near their gate; she reached for a key in her pocket and opened it. She entered their house and proceeded in her room. All the lights were off except in her room, so she thought that Mary was already asleep. She entered her room and put off the light, and started sitting at the corner of her room.

After a lot of crying, things just won’t going to be okay for Erika. Acceptance isn’t entirely easy. She just wished that she had someone who could understand what conflicts she really goes through. But it seems a lot to ask for.

Pain, strife, aching are all she could feel that time. It’s like from any moment, her body will breakdown. She tried to close her eyes to sleep, but there were only memories of Jessie flashing back in her mind. After a brief moment, she was interrupted by a ring of her phone. She received a text message from her friend and she began reading it…

“Guess what Erika?! I heard from a friend that Jessie is getting married! Whoa! He’s a total son of a bitch. How are you there?”

This time, Erika felt as if the walls around would collapse down to her. She felt the world had stop from revolving. She was totally broken.

After a few minutes, she reached for a particular thing inside her closet. A thing that she thought could end up all her sufferings.

The razor moves along her wrist like a river, so peacefully, as that red water starts to escape, she thought about her parents, Mary, Jessie, Ian and all her friends. And a last single drop of tear came out from her eyes as she realized that she’ll never see this entire people again. She already put an end to her misery. There is so much in this world that she can’t barely accept, so putting a period in her life is the only way she think could help. She finally had the courage to press down hard enough.

.. ... ... ..

When morning came, Erika was found surrounded and bathe in her own blood… breathless and motionless. They finally realized that she really wasn’t okay.

And from that moment, they have found out that there wasn’t only one life had gone; but TWO.






(The reason why she desperately wanted Jessie to come back in her life)

© Copyright 2020 Eunice Garcia. All rights reserved.

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