Well here it is, Gertrude’s first outing into wilds of the internet. The following extract is a passage from a book I’ve been working on for several months now. It’s from the penultimate chapter and offers a bit of light relief before the tragedy of the final chapter. Obviously I’ve adapted the passage for stand-alone publication so no spoilers I’m afraid. I tried to avoid long winded explanations. I hope the passage remains comprehensible. So a bit of fun! Enjoy! More at www.theperilsofgertrude.com
THE PERILS OF GERTRUDE
Gertrude covered the face of her card with the palm of her hand. Then slowly brought the card to her forehead. Keeping the card in place she moved her hand, revealing the card for the others to see. The ten of clubs. All eyes had turned to her card and seeing that it was not the lowest returned to Stephanie who was, for the third time in a row, holding the two of hearts to her forehead. In theory this was impossible, the cards where being dealt from the top of the single pack without shuffling, but no one was arguing.
Stephanie, a small smile playing on her lips stood up on her chair and proceeded to make a meal out of removing her bra and wrapping it around Gwynn’s head. Gwynn’s boxer shorts were not up to the task of managing the impact this had on him and a distinct tearing sound could be heard.
The deal passed to Gertrude who, keeping her eyes locked on Kevin’s, began to deal. Without bothering to check the cards Gertrude in a single lithe, slightly impossible looking motion stood on the table and walked across it to stand in front of her lover. This time both Stephanie and Gertrude where holding the two of hearts to their foreheads.
Stephanie sat herself on the table in front of Gwynn and leaning back against Gertrude’s leg removed her thong for him. Meanwhile Gertrude began moving her hands over her small blue dress and wherever her hands went, her dress disappeared, progressively reappearing neatly folded on her vacated chair.
Now standing on the table dressed in just thong, combat boots and blue smiley eye-patch Gertrude raised the hand still holding the cards to her mouth and blew, sending a stream of cards into the air until the Sports Centre’s recreation room was filled with a cloud of flying cards. Slowly the cards settled to the ground leaving three two of hearts on Jennifer’s forehead, three on her partner Mike’s forehead and one on Gwynn’s, although strictly speaking that was no longer necessary as the stresses Gwynn and Stephanie were placing on them reduced his boxer shorts to ever smaller shreds. No cards landed on Kevin.
Gertrude did, landing astride his lap still holding her own two of hearts to her forehead, tucking it under the strap of her eye patch. She tore off her thong and tied it around his head, thrusting her breasts to his face. Kevin howled, his eyes taking on a feral, yellow luminescence. Gertrude amused herself trying to manage Kevin’s hair with the remains of her thong as it grew from its normal ‘high and tight’ cut to shoulder length, all the time enjoying Kevin’s fixated gaze upon her breasts.
Jennifer and Mike looked at the growing carnal chaos around them, then looked at each other.
“Shouldn’t you be imposing some order here sergeant?” Mike looked at his partners face and the (slightly) wicked smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “Nope, I’m just going to go with the flow” He said and with a single sweep of his claw disrobed her.
The ghoul looked down at the tattered remains of her dress, mostly still attached to Mikes claw and said, “You are going to pay for that”. In a blur of motion faster than any human eye could follow she reduced his clothes to a cloud of floating wisps of fabric then mounted him as he fully transformed into his man-wolf form.
Stephanie kneeling astride Gwynn, his manhood deep inside her, moved her hands over him leaving a trail of blue fractal shadows across his body as she wove a spell of immobility on the ghoul. (A ghoul in full passion could reduce a witch to a bloody pulp if care was not taken so the two always ‘played safe’)
Meanwhile Kevin had stood and impaled Gertrude upon himself as he playfully tried to tear her throat to shreds with his fangs.
“Careful! Careful! You’ll break your teeth on me” Gertrude squealed in admonishment as Kevin slammed her on the table, thrusting rhythmically deep inside her.
The room’s lights began to pulse in synchronisation to Stephanie’s gyrations and Gwynn groaned with the pleasure of whatever it was that Stephanie was doing with the electricity. Sparks arced in loud pops and snaps around him as the current grounded into the 12” steel armoured plating of the recreation rooms floor (the base’s Sports Centre had been built for the brigade after the Korean War by a grateful nation, using armour from scrapped world war two battleships and was as near to indestructible as human ingenuity could make it).
Gertrude, her legs entwined around both Kevin’s and the table’s, arched her back and gripped the top edge of the table. Kevin responded by gripping the sides of the table even more strongly and then massively increasingly the power of his thrusts. Gertrude responded by gasping and writhing as the ecstasy began to overwhelm her. The table, made from a single 1” thick steel slab welded to four 2” diameter steel posts began to make unusual noises. No one noticed.
Jennifer, now on her back was digging her fingers into the solid steel plate, kneading it like putty, not caring that she was going to have to spend most of the next day with welder and grinder, repairing the damage she was causing. The friction between the steel’s atoms was making the material begin to glow and the shreds of Mike’s clothing in the vicinity began to smoulder. Meanwhile Stephanie, astride the now fully immobilised Gwynn raised her hands into the air as a green glowing nimbus formed around her head. The room’s lights began to strobe.
Several things now happened all at once:
1.The room’s lights, not designed for the energies flashing through them, began to explode, sending shards of glass across the floor
2.The now burning shreds of Mikes clothing triggered the room’s automatic sprinkler system
3.The table, subjected to stresses far beyond its structural design parameters catastrophically failed
4.Kevin’s right leg broke halfway between knee and groin
Everyone noticed Kevin’s howl and Gertrude, suddenly aware of her lover’s distress went into full healing mode. Spectral, aurora like rainbow wisps formed in the sprinkler mist around Gertrude’s hands as they began to glow with an intense white light, casting surreal shadows across the walls and ceiling of the room - screw stealth!
Gwynn meanwhile, still fully immobilised and whose field of view encompassed only the ceiling and about half the back of a two of hearts, frantically tried to attract someone’s attention by laboriously moving his left little finger slowly backwards and forwards about three millimetres at a time.
As she ‘powered up’ Gertrude activated her enhanced sensorium and her vision filled with what looked like Microsoft Windows XP overlaying her normal world view (Gertrude had experimented with designing her own ‘operating system’ but had concluded that reinventing the wheel was a waste of time and the chances of Microsoft taking her to court where remote, nonetheless she did feel very slightly guilty when she copied their design). It was the work of micro seconds to maximalise her amazing mind’s capacity to absorb and assimilate information, setting up cogitative sub-routines to process the vast data flows that were to come.
Kevin meanwhile had been following age old procedure for significant injury to his kind, first reverting to his full-man form, then initiating the transition to full-wolf form. At this point Gertrude Having mentally prepared herself, plunged her hands into Kevin’s torso. Gertrude’s consciousness was flooded with all that was Kevin. She was aware of every aspect of him from the smallest quantum particle to the major organs, structures, tissues - and Kevin was going through his man-wolf transition.
Gertrude was transfixed by the wonder of it. She was the reconfiguration of his skeletal structure. She was the reorganisation of his internal organs. She was the phase shift in the balance between his thaumaturgical and classical energies. She was Kevin.
Kevin now fully wolf rolled of his back and standing, tested his now mended leg, he turned to Gertrude and jumped back several metres emitting a comical yip sound. Where Gertrude should have been was a huge wolf, its fur was jet black and its right eye glowed a ruby red. For some reason its left eye was covered by Gertrude’s blue and yellow smiley eye patch and even more incongruously its rear paws were shod in Gertrude’s combat boots.
The awful realisation dawned, for the first time ever a witch had transformed herself into a wolf. Gertrude had achieved the impossible.
Stephanie broke the silence; “Er, Gertrude”
Gertrude turned to face her friend and hampered by her boots fell in an ungainly heap.
“Yeah yeah I’m a wolf I’ve got it, I just need to reverse the spell” Gertrude barked, what it actually sounded like was:
“arrghu arrghu rrraghht werrhgt rtty”
Mentally kicking herself for making such a silly mistake she began to carefully remove the boots from her rear paws with her teeth. Seeing her predicament Jennifer went over to help her friend. As her boots and red and blue striped socks where removed Gertrude addressed the communication problem, achieving a solution she focused her mind and as one the playing cards floated up from the floor and in an unnerving almost robotic swarm sort of way formed a single flat sheet floating about 3 feet of the floor. Spaces formed in the sheet and first letters then words formed:
HEY LOOK GUYS, IM A WOLF!
There weren’t enough cards in the deck to form all the words and the card-words began to move from left to right then rapidly behind and to the start again producing an effect like an airport scrolling display.
Jennifer, her task completed, carried the footwear over to Gertrude’s still upright chair where the blue dress still lay neatly folded, the only items in the room unaffected by the preceding chaos. She placed the boots under the chair and the socks on top of the dress, almost shrieking with shock when she discovered the dress despite the still running sprinkler system was bone dry. The thing was haunted. Jennifer had been present at the dresses creation and she knew that if there were ever anything spookily unnatural it was that dress. Suppressing a shudder the ghoul backed away from Gertrude’s chair.
Gertrude decide to repeat her first words just to reassure every one:
I JUST NEED TO REVERSE THE SPELL!
Stephanie now extremely concerned for her friend attracted Gertrude’s attention with a small cough:
“A-hem, are you sure you used a spell?”.
Gertrude, who had just discovered she could do something with her tongue she had only ever dreamed about stopped in mid lick and stood to give the question her fullest and most serious consideration. She hadn’t used a spell. The cards began to move again.
IT WAS A SIDE EFFECT OF GOING INTO FULL HEALING MODE
“We discussed this!”
I KNOW! DAMN!
“Well, can you achieve full mode level with your paws?”
Gertrude looked at her right paw, much of the broad structure modifications where present, but changed, most of the fine structure, the critical structure was gone. She and Stephanie would have to start again almost from scratch developing a Gertrude wolf-form specific thaumaturgical enhancement to her healing capabilities. Stephanie was going to be very annoyed and it was going to take months to sort out! Gertrude sat with an audible thump. The cards formed a new word:
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