Night Thoughts

NIGHT THOUGHTS

‘‘If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die‘‘

Chapter 1

‘‘Funny little feeling‘‘

The lights were bright and they flickered with many colours. Behind them was black nothing in connection with white glows which were so small compared to those coloured shinings. Standing there and watching them appear and disappear in a blink of an eye was unusually satisfying. You showed me the way of looking on those colours. It’s not about that loud noises they make when they got fired into the space, it’s about those colours they add into our hearts. Like in love. Everyone is always complaining about bad things, which in this case is the loud noise, but no one is watching for those special moments in life like those colours. When I averted my eyes from the sky and put them on you I saw your eyes were like glowing stars and the lights were reflected in them like a mirror. What was in your head was a secret, like a plan that you had on this evening. Was it a plan? Or was it just you doing as you pleased? Either way, you put my heart in a cage. The night went wild, we played our cards with alcohol and smiles, still thinking where those games will lead us. Jack Daniels is my friend now. I gave him my stomach and he helped me with times when you left. Like this night. After some drinks and some games you went out with another friend. I felt needless and restless for your call that’d indicate your return. So shot after shot hours went like a river and I thought you might never come back. So I put my hand into the pocket and picked out my phone. Called you once, twice and you didn’t pick up. My feelings went savage and I felt fear and need of you. After some time you called me to come for you. I put my jacket on and went out. On the way there, which was not that far, I had many thoughts on my mind. I went through my life until I reached you. Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here. Oh my, too deep. Please stop thinking. I don’t want to fall in deep thoughts again. I saw you outside of the building. The guy you went out with wasn’t even paying attention when you were there. So now you want to come back? Am I some replacement? I don’t care, I am just happy that I can be with you again. See your smile and soul you got, that’s the thing I need to be mine. We went back to the bar, paid another round and suddenly you walked to me with your glass of wine so I thought that you were going to ask me to drink again. But now, when we both were drunk that night, you put down the glass on the table next to mine and asked me to go out with you. So we went out, it was freezing outside, I took a cigarette from my pack and started smoking. You didn’t say anything just to follow you somewhere else. But after a minute you asked me to put down the cigarette. I put it down and walked with you to park and we sat on the snowy bench. To be completely accurate I sat on the snowy bench and you sat on my knees. So romantic, wasn’t it? I was freezing but my brain was drunk so I didn’t feel anything. We were talking maybe ten minutes and I looked at your lips and started to think about kissing you. But suddenly you started to talk about us and about our relationship. So I said “I don’t think we will be more than friends”. You asked me “Why do you think so?” And I continued “Because you see me like a good friend.” You looked at my eyes like they were the last thing in the universe and asked me “Do you want to be more than a friend?” I was little bit scared to answer so I said “Who wouldn’t?” But you raised your voice and asked again “Do YOU want to be more than a friend?” And I said the only word that was on my heart “Yes”. And you started kissing me. I’ve never felt something like that. That feeling when you are kissed by a person you really like is unforgettable. You stopped kissing me and I said “I love you”. I didn’t expect any response to that. “I love you too” you whispered, leaning in to kiss me again. And we started kissing again. After that night we didn’t kiss anymore. And I figured out something. In its own way the kiss could have been an act of murder.

Aftermath

“Rehab”

The sun scorched my face. I woke up in my room, which was empty, as usual. No one was there except me. What had happen last night, I questioned myself. My head hurt when my parents left the flat and slammed the door behind them. Now that I was alone in my flat, my thoughts went wild. “What have I done this time?” I could only remember some parts. I tried piecing them together. Something seemed off. So I looked left to see if my phone is in the charger, but it wasn’t. It freaked me out. So I stood up and I looked for my phone. It didn’t take long, but it was still a cause for concern. I unlocked the phone and I immediatly saw the messages from yesterday. What stood out to me was the message I have sent you. I sent the little paper boat you made for me, but that wasn’t the weirdest thing. Below that were two words, ‘luv ya‘. It all came to me. “I’ve done it.” At first I thought it was just a tease, but after some minutes I realised it wasn’t just that, I really meant it. So, after that, I texted you. You kept me hanging until the evening. I was doing nothing but waiting for you. But you acted like nothing was wrong, like nothing happen. My heart was on edge. On one side I was happy that you didn’t say something like it was a mistake and I regret it but on the other side I wanted to ask you what it meant. After all I still asked you how the New Year’s Eve had been. What you said pierced my heart. “It was fun, but nothing spectacular.” I couldn’t bring myslef to reply. I felt the need to ask you further. My question was simple,”You do remember what happen between us, right?” I even told you how it was. You dodged everything by saying you don’t remember and you refuted that something happen. Until very recently, I kept wondering, whether you really didn’t remember. But I’ve gotten the answers.

Chapter 2

“High Hopes”

Looking out of the window, can see only stars and beautiful midnight with bright moon. Spirits of the night are whispering poems of death and life and it’s on me to choose between love and loneliness, but in this case, they are both the same. What should I do? I ask myself day and night. What’s the point of asking for answers when I’m not sure about questions? Will liqueur help me? Not sure, but we can try. Shot after shot on the bar and suddenly I can’t move, still sitting on the chair but nowhere to find another breathing breath. White walls reaching emptiness and my feelings went wild and timid at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I feel paralyzed, can’t think of another person but you. Actually it was not long time ago that I felt your lips, and I can still feel them, but they are getting colder everyday. Now, in this white emptiness, I see myself. Alone, and not alone at the same time. There is you, walking towards me with your glass. But now, I know it’s only a memory. I haven’t seen you for days. Do you regret what you’ve done, or that we met? Do you understand the implications of this? I can see memories of you, there is a lot of them. But none of them can make me happy. But you can, so where are you? Am I supposed to find you? Or will you appear and disappear as you wish? I am crazy, I know. But only love shaped me. I want you to see me as I see myself. It might scare you but I’m scared too. Of death? No. I lost that fear a long time ago. I’m scared that you might not come back, and I’ll be left here with noone. Trying to reach for the exit and still no way to escape. I’m not in control of my feelings. They are fighting each other although I need them to work together. See? I’m one big fight. So don’t tell me that I will be okay, I know I won’t. At least do something. Don’t turn your back on me in this situation please. I don’t want to play these games anymore. They were fun but now it’s time to stop. Even though, I love it this way. Can’t explain it, but I love the pain. Maybe I have high hopes about our relationship but let’s keep it this way. And I’ll use my imagination to feel better. So I’ll hide for some time. If you want to find me, you’ll need to search in the darkest places of your mind, because the only thing I can see is darkness upon my sky. After some days I sobered out. I paid my sins and went on the way home. I was on my way, I wasn’t drunk as the day before and before, but I felt drunk. Why? Because the only memory of you made my brain drunk. Why is it still about you? No one could understand my feelings, not even you. So the only thing that I can do is stay still, and maybe it’ll get better. Maybe someone will save me but this is not the time of emergency. So I can wait, there is nothing that can make me move. I know you’ll come back. I feel it. In art as in love, instinct is enough. I gave up my soul without knowing the stakes, only now, when everything is running differently, I can see what life prepared for me. What do you even want from me? Did I want so much? Couldn’t you just give me a bullet through the head? It would be less painful. I’m sick and tired of all the things that keep you away from me. Because we’ve been driving so long that I can’t remember the road how we got here. Chasing you like I’m on novociane. No, I don’t feel pain. Yeah, I guess I’m a disappointment. But I don’t really care. What I care about is you, your touch, and your parfume. Even though you can kill me with it whenever you want. I’ll use it like a drug. Live because of it and die of overdose.

Chapter 3

“Lose My Mind”

Again spending nights without sleep, working on things that noone can see. Is it worth it? Maybe for my future. And as it is July, with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer. I love how summer just wraps its arms around you like a warm blanket. Although I spent it almost everyday inside the flat. And even in this beautiful summer, bad things can happen. And this, this hit us all. One truly great man died. And you know who. He was your hero, and you showed him to me and you gave me new motivation to life. His music is just astonishing. But now he’s gone. I promised you that I’ll go and say our last goodbye to him but I knew I wouldn’t. I knew my mom won’t let me but still I kept lying. Was it worth it? Not at all. When that day came I said I won’t go and you got so angry that you said some nasty stuff like you’ll never speak with me again, that I’m one stupid fucking idiot and you won’t ever give a shit about me. I stayed cool, I told my friends I’m okay with that, but was it true? I feel like I lied to people a lot about everything. At most about my feelings and I don’t even know why. I just don’t know how to tell the truth sometimes. I felt like something died in me. It wasn’t you, it was me. You still kept living inside me but my body turned dead. Was it because of drugs? Only they could keep me alive. I turned my life into one big mess without you. You can’t imagine how hard it was to be alive just because of some stupid drugs. I was everyday on them and I turned emotionless and so emotionally unstable at the same time. My personality broke into many pieces and now I can see another me beside me. It’s like the devil in my veins. Felt the fire under my knees and knives all around me. It burns! What do normal people do when they get this sad? I can’t find the answers for my questions. I avoid myself. Why? I’m afraid. Afraid of what? Finding too much, too little, nothing at all? Do I even exist?! I am one big dumb shit. Can’t control my feelings. I would love to say I feel nothing but there is something I can’t explain. It just burns inside me. I felt the pain all over my soul. Am I crazy? I might be. What should I do? Kill myself? Nooo no no. Or? It would be easier. No one would give a fuck. Not even you. Are you thinking about me? Please say yes and I’ll be all yours. The night has come and I couldn’t sleep. I felt the need go out or just do something so I went out of room and then something happen. I felt the pain. Not on my soul. But my body. Awh, come on.. the fuck? What the... the fuck is? What the fuck? Awh fuck.. hey! This is not fucking funny. Hey!... oh.. oh fuck! Ohh Shiiiit...Noooooooo.... Woke up in kitchen, surrounded by people that seem like doctors, mom and dad were crying and from nose I had a blood creek. Couldn’t feel the pain but knew I can’t stand. I tried to stand up but my body was like noone’s. Did my soul move out? Doctors told me “Boy don’t you move now.” I was on the cold floor which would always be warm. Or has my body gone cold? Am I going to die?! My eyes started to close down with this thought and you know what others told me? Open your eyes honey, it will be okay. So I closed them down with my will, with faith for better ending. And then I woke up. At that moment I felt nothing. I wasn’t scared or anything. I just picked up my phone and saw the message. “Your friend is dead”. My heart couldn’t stop beating faster, my breath was like huricane and my eyes turned wet. “What the fuck?” I almost died but my friend didn’t make it? Did death change its prey? I started crying. I cried a lot that night, and you weren’t there. You were still angry. The ghosts surrounded me and I just asked if I can die, die right here and right now. They told me don’t you worry son, your time will come. After his funural, we started texting again. But you were still angry. So I came to your work two days one after another and tried to convince you that I am still here for you. You were scared, I could see that, and happy that I’m alright. So after the lights went down, I knew there will be new start.

Chapter 5

‘‘Nobody Can Save Me‘‘

We were texting but now she’s fallen asleep. She gave me a sweet goodbye, but her goodbye is so cold to me. It’s the night, and I am here alone, talking to the moon about you. I want her forever even when we are not together. She is like my drug but I can’t get high from her. These are some of my thoughts after I’m left alone, in my bed, in my dark room, only with a light from a streetlamp. It’s so depressing. Maybe only my mind is depressing. Everything is good, better then any time before. But still I want more. Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better. Just to end up with something worse. I can’t get her out of my mind. It is like some type of illness. I feel so lonely. Lonely with other people, lonely without her, but not with her. You have me, until the last star in the universe dies, you have me. I am trying to be cool, to not give her any idea about my love to her, but it fucking hurts. I think she feels something too. I dont know what it is. But I want to know. Even though it can be cruel or hard, I would rather have my heart broken than waste my life being fooled by a lie intended to preserve my feelings. I found myself, this is the time when it all started. My whole life. Just because of you. You have managed to melt me and moved me to writing, for which I'm overjoyed and I adore you. You‘re just an exceptional person. Showed me the way, you‘re my light in the dark. But I miss that light tonight. Another night alone, waiting by the phone. Please come here, I can’t live without your touch. My brain is poisoned and I’m not sure if I’ll see you again. I live in uncertain world and I feel like I’m going to die soon. My senses told me that you’ll leave me, and I’ll be left with darkness. So where are you? Sure, you are out with another man, and you forgot about me. When you’re ignored by someone whose whole attention means the world to you, you start to overthink about things that you don’t want to think about. And that’s why I am thinking about splitting up. I can’t imagine life without you. It‘s too late to put you out of my heart. Part of you lives here, and I think it always will. This distance between us could never stop me from loving you. I want to leave, to go somewhere where I should be really in my place, where I fit in. Life is too short for all the lives I have dreamed of living. So I chose to live a life where I am with you. Maybe with you, I will find a place to finally live.

-List for you-

Girl I need to tell you something. I just know I wouldn’t say it to your eyes because I’m just scared of talking. So, I am literaly fucked up. You can’t even imagine. I need you so badly that I can’t sleep, eat or breathe without you. I’ve been on many drugs since we stopped talking. I’ve started drinking because of you. I’ve started smoking because of you. Yes, I conviced myself about that, but I know it’s not true. Or maybe it is. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I don’t even know who I am. You don’t know who I have become. I don’t even know what to tell you, even though I have so much to tell you. And when you posted that picture I shot, with that description: “And at that moment, I was somebody’s something”, my whole body, just, let’s say, hyperventilated. I can’t stop thinking about you. I am telling everyone that this story is behind me but it isn’t. I need you even though I know that you don’t need me. I love you even though I know you don’t love me back. And I am so used to that that I don’t even care. When you told me that that description was only from some site and you just liked it, nothing special about it, I just passed out. I imagined that maybe you missed me just a little bit. Or maybe you miss me like I miss you. Fuck this is complicated. Whole life is complicated. You know when we were talking about moving out to Italy. When we wanted to start our new life by robbing a bank and move away from everyone. Those times were beautiful. I have been scroling our messages, reading them almost every night because I MISS THAT. I miss you. Don't you turn your back on me. Let your teardrops fall on me. My whole art is about you. Every fucking word I’ve written is about you. Because there is nothing else in this world for me, just you. I’ve written many nice lovely messages for you. And I’ve written many bad rude texts about my feelings about you and our situation. I tried to hate you. I tried. But I can’t. I’ve called you bitch in my texts. I’ve called you many names and I used many bad words. Because I was angry. Anger controls me these days. There is nothing else in me than anger and depression. But you just said one thing and did another. Do you remember when you said stop giving shit about what others say? Yes you said that. But why the fuck do you care about others more than about me?! And I know maybe I fucked up. But you didn’t even have time to come and talk about us and that was just rude and I wanted to die. You told me that when I have a problem you will be there for me as I’ve been for you. But you weren’t. I was depressed, I wanted to die, seriously. I almost choked myself to death. I ran out of tears. I’m always saying that one doesn’t cry for the same thing twice. But I’ve been crying so many times girl. You texted me at that night when we saw each other for the first time after a long-lasting separation. You texted me if I want to go dance with you. When I saw those words my eyes became wet and I ran away like a fool. Because I am so unstable. I told my friend to help me get away from you that night because I would start crying on your sholders. And even though I tried not to talk with you, I texted you back. But you didn’t answer. So I drank more and more. Using drugs just to keep me alive. Because without you, there is nothing that can keep me alive. Maybe I will find someone one day. Maybe it would be some great girl. Beautiful, smart and she will love me like no-one else. But until then, I will have nothing to live for. Only you.

Chapter 6

‘‘Walk Away‘‘

You went through the stars, and spent time with my gods. Running like a fire through the sky, with nothing but your touch. Giving up my life by heroin and other drugs, thinking of you is overdose by my mind. You are moving in to my city, right ? It looks like I will never find a way to cure my life. The break up is a way, even though we‘ve never been together. I feel like we got divorced. Its been weeks since I felt your touch. But I’m never gonna give up. Told myself almost hundred times ‘‘Boy, stop giving shit about those nights. I know you’ve been through many fights, but this night you’ll eat with the gods.‘‘ Making steps from the hell behind, I only look in the way my nose points to. You wanna be friends now ? So what those words year ago ment to you. ‘‘Do you want to be more than a friend?‘‘ Yeah, those words are still fucking me up. I am everything that you wanted but you're scared. I wish that I said I loved you more often. Or that I cared. Or that I'd even give a damn if you were here. But you're gone now so it's fuck you. Why would you leave. Why won‘t you just say what you really think? It’s Christmas time now! And there is nothing I can give you. Nothing in my mind, even nothing in my heart. You told me that you got something. What should I do now ? My heart thinks I’m back in the game now. So I need to figure out what to do to make you love. But I figure out, that I spent many years on building something that wasn’t capable of standing on it’s own. You just cannot convince people to love you. No one will ever give a shit about your love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. And still I can’t imagine you by another‘s side. Who would give you more than me, I would ask. But it’s selfish and I can’t rule your life. Stuck between loving you and leaving you like I always do. Hate in me is raising again, I can’t live this life full of lies and fuck-ups. You are like a boomerang. No mater how hard I try, you’ll always come back. Am I supose to see things that are on the other side of the bridge ? And maybe we can leave, maybe we don’t need to take our seats. Maybe someday, somewhere out there, but not here. I don’t know where we are going with this. Maybe somewhere we don’t need to feel so unimportant. YOu gave me two pictures. It’s two hearts conected with a thread and there is something written. ‘‘We are connected.‘‘ What the fuck are you talking about ? Do you want me to get back into your web again ? I don’t give a fuck anymore. So I’m sitting in an empty room. Trying to forget the past. This was never meant to last. Tonight I need you to stay. To give me your hand and feel my soul like a moon feeling the ever-so bright sun.

Chapter 7

‘‘Start//End‘‘

Outside the open window. The morning air is all awash with angels. Giving me hope for better days, like those which never end. Trying to forget the past, but I’m bleeding fast. Just you and our bed. That’s all I need for better end. Why would you pretend ? Is this real ? I gave up myself for a year, now I need to pay my time spent here. But I don’t know if I’m on the other side of the bridge, or if we are on the same side. Did you make me drink just to feel love ? And as it is exectly a year, I’ll say the exect thing, I dont think we will be more than friends. Are you drunk enough to say I love you?! Or to kiss me like you kissed me on that night. This year was like trail by fire, and still I’m here. So maybe I went through shit but still I’m standing here watching you growing like those flowers you have on your chest. Am I still breathing, or did my lungs escaped too ? My whole body made a point with giving up on you, still my heart is beating for noone else just you. Did you change my heart ? It is the only thing that keeps you here. But still I moved on, as you wish we are friends now. I’m not planning anything from this time, no expectations from now on.

I can feel you changed now. You are like a new person, I don‘t know why but I feel like you started to care. And those days are long enough to do what we want. We spend time by lying on the bed feeling eachother. But still I won’t feel something until you make me so. I only wanted to say, thank you for these days, they make me so happy and powerful. I don’t feel pain anymore. I finaly feel me.