Does Happiness Exist?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Inside my mind.

Submitted: April 16, 2012

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Submitted: April 16, 2012

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You know those days in your life where you just want to give up and throw in the towel? Well, I had one of those days last night. You feel like, nothing can go right, no matter how hard you try to change it, the world just ends up screwing you over. I ended up crying for the first time in a long time, and I cried for a good solid three hours. I felt like, nothing was right. I kept trying to be happy but no matter what I did or how I did it, it always seemed to backfire. Last night it all hit me, how many things have backfired on my life.

I grew up in a city that was never accepted me as a person. The first nine years of my life were spent alone and isolated from everyone else. The day I turned nine, I moved across the country. I thought, "Hey, this shouldn't be so bad." I was wrong. It may have been a new province, a new set of people, but in the end, it was all just the same old bullshit. I finished the last five years of my elementary school career in a not so Catholic Elementary School. There we had pot smokers at the age of twelve, cruel bullies that not only physically but emotionally abused me, and teachers sleeping with married teachers in the staff washroom. I took everything in stride, tried not to give them a reason to bully me. I was kind to them, I tried to help them when ever possible, but in the end, the people who pretended to be my "friends" ended up stabbing me in the back, all because of my weight. Because I didn't fit into the cookie cutter look that I guess young girls should have fit into back then.

High School came around and I didn't expect much of it at this point. Different school, same town, same bull shit. Over the three years I was there I discovered my outlet being music and writing. It helped me get through those three years of bullies, backstabbers, and lonliness that I had felt.

My grade nine year I went immediatly to the music room, which had been my safe haven for the longest time. I ended up joining the Volley Ball team because I was good at it, and I loved the sport, but the coach just saw me as another fat girl trying to be a jock. She didn't have to say it, the way she looked at me was enough. After the volleyball season, I decided to stick with band, and ended up going to Halifax and having the most fun I thought I could have in grade nine. I started making friends...or so I thought.
Grade ten was a little bit better. I started to become close with my best friend at the time, we were in every single class together, band together, and pretty much hung out every single day after school. We were close for the next two years, until I moved.
Grade eleven is when everything pretty much went to shit. The closer my best friend and I got, the farther apart her best friend and her would get. I had some okay teachers, and some real ass holes as teachers, but I would always have the school councilor who I went to see on a regular basis, and my music teacher of course, whom I do actually still talk to.

When I left though, turns out everyone but my bestfriend only pretended to like me because I was useful, nothing more, nothing less. When I moved, my best friend and I grew apart, and now we pretty much do not even talk. I didn't like the idea of moving. I didn't want to start over, but I had no choice but to. When I did, it was difficult, starting your senior year in a new school, in a new city, not the best thing in the world, but I ended up taking refuge in the music room agian, and there I found again, a safe haven. My first grade twelve year was great, I was starting to get friends, I had my first relationship, "yeah" i thought, "living here is going to be alright." As time went on, it ended up getting worse, and it was the same old shit over again. People ditching me because I am not what society thinks is cool. I also started to realize how lonely I actually am.

I met this guy three years ago at a camp that I go to, and we became friends. This camp is also where I met my best friend, L. But more on her later. The guy and I were good friends, talking a lot, even though we lived two hours away. We were awesome friends up until this past summer when he came to where I live to visit. When I saw him, I didn't realize how much I had actually fallen for him in the past two and a half years that I had known him. We hung out a lot after that, I would mainly be the one visiting because it was easiest. We got along great, and had fun hanging out. Then I realized I could possibly see him in my future. Then he got a girlfriend. I was fine. I wasn't too heart broken as long as I knew nothing about her. But the feelings didn't go away. I told him how I felt, and that was that. We are still friends as of now, but now I know a little about his girlfriend and it is slowly breaking my heart. I found out who she was last night, and I had a major self pity party...but now I think I am doing a little better, I guess because I have come to the realization that I might, and probably will not ever, have him as mine.

Now, going backwards to when I met my best friend, L. We met at the same camp where I met the boy, and we have been friends ever since. We are almost exactly alike, and can talk to each other about everything. She knows everything that went down with the boy. When I visit her I tend to make more and more friends, which is an awesome thing because the people up there are pretty chill...and very much into paintball. \":p\"The people who I met up there, we clicked almost instantly, I guess I get along better with people who live fives hours away from me rather than my neightbours...whats up with that right? Well, at the same time I have an inner conflict with myself, for you see, as there is another boy, one who hasn't broken my heart, and one who is somewhat attractive up there. Why must I live so far from the good ones? That's all I shalt say about that.
Now, I am sitting here, in my CO-OP, writing this because all of the above is on my mind, along with the thoughts, "am I pretty enough, smart enough, worth enough? Will I ever find true happiness? Or will I be nothing but an empty shell moving through life unnoticed. Will I be cared for? Will I be a mother, wife, or even a girlfriend? Will I ever achieve something that will make a difference?" I do not know the answer to any of these questions, but right now, these are my fears, and I they could very well come true, I hope they don't, people tell me they wont, but for some reason, I do not believe them at all.

I guess the question is, does happiness really exist, or is it just something humanity needs to believe exists.


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