May 9th, 2012

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: May 09, 2012

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Submitted: May 09, 2012



Dear Readers,

Today was okay, which is a start. I guess. I hate waking up in the morning because of the lack of sleep I get at night, I can fall asleep for a few hours but throughout the night I wake up from my nightmares, I usually wake up at 2am, then 4am, then 6am when my alarm goes off. 

I could fall asleep at 9pm but i'd still wake up. I stil have these god awful dreams that cause me to wake up with fright. I guess it's because things are going bad with Tim and I. Well, I feel like something is wrong with us, and that's bad because my instincts are usually correct. When I feel like we're going to fight, we do. I just can't take it anymore. Every time we get back together it's just the same old shit and just a different time. We've been dating for a year and 2 months now (on and off) and yet the happiness I feel with him is lasting shorter and shorter each time. I seriously have no ounce of trust for him in my body, I constantly believe he's cheating on me with some other girl who is actually attractive.

Ever since the agruement we had saturday night at Jon's party things have been different, and I hate it. We're falling apart again. I seriously will not be able to do this anymore if he leaves me again. I'm completely crushed. Tim has ruined my ability to ever trust another person again, he has given me the fear of being left. And I hate it, I hate how I've changed so much because of him and he won't even take the blame !!! Not once have I left him without a reasonable and logical reason for doing so. 

I need to talk to him tomorrow about it, I need to tell him that I feel like things have changed ever since that night.

FUCK! And everything was going so well for us, maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm just over thinking this whole situation, I guess we'll see how he acts tomorrow when we hang out. If he cancels on me I'm seriously going to go off on him.. If he leaves again, it will crush me. I will be a broken doll unable to be fixed. I am emotionally damaged. I've been beaten to the pulp from so many pass lovers that I just can't even function around people. I just need to be alone. I am alone. Even when he's around I can't feel the same happiness I had a year ago. What is happening? Why am I letting this drag on? Why didn't I just cut it off when I had the chance? I'm going to be so heart broken again.

What am I without him? A pile of dust, only to hope that the wind would blow hard enough to send me to another land where maybe a bird will ground a seed on me and I will grow into a beautiful tall tree.

What else is there to say? Some day if it's happened before, that history is bond to repeat itself again.


Your misunderstood writer,


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