Surviving My Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
My life from the very beginning

Submitted: December 20, 2011

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Submitted: December 20, 2011

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I know people will say that the things I tell you aren’t possible at the age I was, but it did happen. I’ve been through more than most people could ever imagine. If you have been abused in any way, whether it’s physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional, you’re not alone. If you are still are being abused tell someone. No matter how many times they tell you they love you, they really don’t. They just want to feel like they are in control of something. Nobody deserves to be abused.

If you are drinking, smoking, or doing drugs to deal with everything in your life, its only going to get rid of the problems for a little while. It will probably cause more problems later on in life. It will always be there to cause problems. It’s not worth it.

If you are self harming to deal with problems, its only going to temporarily help. The scars and urges never go away. It’s not worth it and it’s very addictive and you’re risking your life.

All of these things are just going to help temporarily. And they will come back to you and cause a lot more problems. Just remember you are strong enough to get through it all. If you are one of these people who drink, smoke, do drugs, or self harm get help and stop before you really ruin your life. You might be thinking that I don’t have any room to talk because I don’t know your situation, which is true, but I do know that none of that stuff will make your problems go away for good. I hope that by reading this you learn from my mistakes and find someone to help you get through you problems.

I was born December 15, 1993 to John and Stephanie. I have one older brother, who is named after my dad, but goes by JC most of the time. We used to fight all the time, but now we are more like friends.

I went to preschool at Honey Tree in St. Joesph, while living with my grandparents. I will never forget that school because I loved going there. It was at one of the teacher’s house and it was so much fun. There was a day every week where the parents came to play games with the kids. During one of those days I learned how to swing by myself. There was a jungle gym in the house. Everyday we would sit in a circle and played a game or sing at the beginning and end of the day. We did all kinds of projects and the teachers actually cared about the kids.

When I was three I stayed the night at one of my brother’s friend’s house with my brother, who was six at the time. I was suppose to sleep in his sister’s room, but she had a friend over and I was too young to be in there with them, so I had to sleep in the same room with my brother and his friend. My brother was watching a baseball game on TV and I was supposed to be sleeping, but his friend woke me up. Next thing I know my nightgown was off and he raped me. My brother was right there, but I don’t blame him for it. I blame his friend, who was sixteen at the time. The next day when I got home I told my mom, but never went to the cops. That was the last time I saw him. A few weeks later my dad started raping me. At first it was every once in awhile, but then it happened almost every night. It got to where I expected it to happen when I went to bed.

I started kindergarten at Mark Twain in St. Joesph. I don’t really remember it too much, but I do remember that I didn’t have very many friends. Most days I would eat lunch alone or with my dad, parents could eat lunch with their kids. The other kinds wouldn’t play with me because I didn’t speak right. My voice was kind of low and I didn’t pronounce my “r’s” right. The few kids that were my friends were like me and didn’t fit in with the others. That was when I became a “loner”. I stopped trying to make friends. You can’t make people like you, so why try?

I finished kindergarten at South Holt in Oregon, Missouri. I will never forget the day one of my friends and a guy she liked were caught, by a teacher, in the tunnel of the jungle gym kissing. They had to sit out from recess for a week. The day they were aloud to play at recess they did it again, but weren’t caught this time. I loved my kindergarten teachers. They were so cool and nice. They kept trying to teach me how to tie my shoes even though I couldn’t get it. They never gave up on me, like most people would have. Since I already knew how to do everything that the others were learning, one of them would take me to the play room area and tried to teach me how to tie my shoes. It always ended up being a failure, but they still tried everyday. I will never forget them for that.

I started first grade at South Holt. I will never forget that year because I was the first one in my class to lose a tooth and get stitches. I had to get stitches because a plate fell from the top of the fridge while I was trying to be nice and get my brother some pizza for dinner, so he could do his homework. My dad worked as a truck driver, so my mom was on the phone with him when it happened. I ended up having to get three stitches in my nose. I have a scar there now and I think there’s still some glass in my nose. That was the only time in my life I was ever considered “cool”. It only lasted until I got my stitches out.

Then I finished first grade at Seward Elementary school in Seward, Nebraska. I lived in a duplex right next to the school and I loved that house so much. I had my first crush on this guy named Jared. We had to sit next to each other and when I needed something to finish a project he would get it for me without me asking. We would talk at lunch too. My teacher read the Junie B. Jones books to us everyday. She made school fun and everyone loved her. If the weather was bad outside we would play games, or sing and dance in an empty classroom.

During the summer before second grade my family and I went to North Dakota to see WWE Smackdown live. It was so much fun, but when people in front of us were standing I couldn’t see because I was too short. I missed most of it, but I still had fun.

I started second grade at Seward Elementary. I moved to Stuart, Nebraska, but there wasn’t a school there, so I had to take two buses to and from school. One of the buses we could do pretty much whatever we wanted, but the other one we had assigned seats and a lot of rules. We ended up getting kicked out of out house because our dogs barked while they were outside.

That’s when I moved to Bee, Nebraska, a small town with pictures of bees everywhere. At first I lived up the street from the only school in the town. There were three classrooms and a library upstairs and the only bathrooms and lockers were in the locker rooms downstairs with the gym and cafeteria. The cafeteria was a room with tables, a microwave, and a fridge. For lunch you could either go home or bring something. The principle was the fourth-sixth grade teacher. We didn’t have a music, P.E., or art class. Once a week we would have a day where everyone read for an hour or two. Outside for recess you could either swing, play six square, or play on the slide. Once a year we would have to do this cross country competition. I usually got chosen to run the 400 yard dash.

On my first day I met my best friend, Taylor. I tried to be friends with the only other second grader, but she hated me and I still don’t know why. While we were doing out homework we could sit anywhere in the room, so Taylor and I decided to sit under the computer desk. This girl sits in front of me, with her back towards me, and every time I would get up to ask a question she would move back a little. She kept doing this until it was time to switch subjects.

After second grade I moved to a house next to the post office and across from the bar. The bar was also a family restraunt and every Friday they had fish dinners that were so good.

I stayed at Bee until the end of fourth grade, when my dad tried to commit suicide because my mom had her boyfriend in our living room. It was on a Saturday morning and when I got up everything seemed normal, then I went to my parent’s room and the door was locked. I went to the living room and told my mom, so she got the key and unlocked the door. When she opened it my dad was sitting on the bed with his gun next to him playing Russian roulette. My mom went to call the cops and I turned to run out behind her, but he wouldn’t let me leave. After my mom called the cops we had to go across the street to the bar. A few minutes later there were cops everywhere and my mom was trying to keep me from the doors and windows, get me to stop crying, and talk to the cop. They found the gun on the bed, but it wasn’t loaded. Then they found the bullets in the closet. He wasn’t in the house when they went in, so they had cops looking for him in Seward and Lincoln, Nebraska. They finally found him at a grocery store in Seward and arrested him. The Monday after that I went to school and everyone in town knew what happened. After my dad got out my mom didn’t think it was safe for my brother and I to stay there, so we went to live with my grandma.

We had to finish the school year through the mail. That summer we had to pack all of our stuff and clean the house, so we could sell it. I still see the picture of my dad with that gun and all of the cops in my house every time I close my eyes.

Then we moved to my grandparent’s house in Clarinda, Iowa. I started fifth grade at Clarinda Middle School. I don’t remember fifth grade that much. Since my dad wasn’t around the rape stopped. He called all the time threatening to commit suicide, but we knew he would never do it.

Then we moved to an apartment in Clarinda. My mom and I didn’t get along at all. We couldn’t be in the same room for longer than two seconds without fighting. My parents got divorced and my dad got supervised visitation every other Saturday. He only came once with his parents and his pregnant girlfriend that I called the wicked witch. The whole visit she glared at me and when I tried talking to my dad she needed something. That was the last time I saw my dad.

During sixth grade I started self harming to deal with everything. Then I started drinking, smoking, and doing drugs to block out the pain. It was very rare to see me without a cigarette in my hand. I was usually at my friend’s house to avoid another fight with my mom. We would go walk around town and meet some guys and got drunk with them. They were usually at least twenty one, so they could buy it for us. Later, after they left, my friend and I would go to the park and mess around. One time it was raining and she dared me to do a cartwheel up the slide. I did it even though I had high heels on, we were drunk and high. As we were walking home this car pulls up and starts shooting at us, so we ran behind someone’s garage and took the long way home. I still have no idea who it was.

When I was thirteen I had my first real boyfriend. I met him on Christmas Eve, but we didn’t start dating until January. He was great at first, then he started telling me what I could and couldn’t wear and had to know exactly where I was and what I would doing. If I didn’t he threatened to kill himself. I was with him for a year and four months before I realized he didn’t love me and I broke up with him. That made him mad, so now he hacks into my accounts all the time to get back to me. He uses this program that guesses your password until it gets it right. He was always putting me down and made me feel like crap.

I’ve played sports pretty much my whole life. In seventh grade I was in basketball, baseball, cross country, and track. After I was down with one practice I’d go to another one, so I didn’t get home until late during the week. During a baseball game I slid into base and twisted my knee. I sprained it and was told to stay off of it for two weeks. An hour later I was at basketball practice doing everything, like usual. I ended up doing permanent damage to it and had to quit sports. Now I keep putting off getting a knee replacement.

I moved to Arnold, Missouri before my ex and I broke up and finished eighth grade at Ridgewood Middle School. At the end of that school year I started dating one of my friends from Iowa. He was great, but he made me feel like I was stupid. We broke up after six months though. I started freshman year at Fox High School in Arnold. I dated a few guys that year, but they didn’t last very long.

My sophomore year I started dating one of my other friends from Iowa. We both liked each other for a long time, but I was always with someone else. After a couple months he asked me to marry him, he was going to do it again on Christmas in front of my friends and family, and I said yes. I told one of my friends and she started to get competitive about it. She has been “engaged” four times that I know of. My engagement lasted four months. On July 9, 2010 he texts me and says that I’m not good enough to marry and he found someone else. I’ve been single ever since. At first it was because I wasn’t over him yet. Then it was because guys cause too much drama and I don’t want to deal with it.

I’m now a senior at Fox High School. I’ve been alcohol, smoke, and drug free for four years. I’ve been self harm free for two years. I’ve straightened my life out and found things to help me deal with everything in my life that won’t cause anymore problems. For the first time in a very long time I actually have a goal for my life. I’m done letting myself be abused by guys that never gave a damn about me. I’m waiting for that one guy that makes me feel special. I know you’re probably thinking that I’m a hopeless romantic, which might be true, but I don’t care. Everyone deserves love. The one quote that I love and live by is: “Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people that treat you right, forget the ones that don’t, and believe that everything happens for a reason.” If someone really loves you they will treat you with respect. If they don’t then they aren’t worth your time. I live my life one day at a time now.

A quote I love about self harming is: “Your scars will tell your story long after everyone else forgets it.” To those of you that self harm, your scars will always be there and they are a permanent reminder of what happened.


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