It pains my mind to tell my heart over and over again the answer to the question it poses about you. “Where’d you go?” As if it is a small infant and cries, asks for you and goes to sleep again. Wakes up every now and then and seems to recall a certain incident, a thought, a laugh, a tear, a fight, an argument or anything related to you or shared with you. Seems to forget all what I tell him about you being gone from my life as if you never existed. It surprises and hurts at the same time when I see myself being trapped with this infant who cries for an unattainable thing and still being as calm as if nothing ever happened. Nothing changed. Nothing ever did.
It is indeed an indescribable situation.
You might not know but *chuckles* but you didn’t leave. You never left me. You are here. I can still hear your lovable laughter and carefree flirting and how you swept me off my feet. Sometimes, you even walk around right in front of me taking things in charge like you did, what made me feel like a frail woman; your strong stance, the way you literally took everything in your control; yet your eyes search for a my stolen gaze to the deep blush my cheeks everytime our eyes met. Sometimes when I stumble upon the thought of my disheveled hair and my tear strained face and cries of exasperation and pain with my cellular in my hand calling you again and again living in the denial that you are the same man who id fallen hopelessly for has not changed. He is not the one who is shutting doors to me.
I know I am broken and damaged. I have always been. I don’t need fixing, I never asked you to understand me. All I asked was to be loved.
That was too much to ask.
Letting go of family, friends, trusts, odd compromises; the wars I fought for you. Went to waste when I lost myself that day when life was torturing me and you were not there.
That day I ran away from you.
No, that day I ran away from myself.
The self I gave to you.
And now I am but a robotic, malignant, cynical corpse which is under a curse to live without you.
© Copyright 2017 Faroma. All rights reserved.
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