Finding Myself

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
short version of my life so far....i guess you could call it a short memoir of sorts...i didn't put in any names because i didn't really feel the need to, but i hope you enjoy...

Submitted: April 29, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 29, 2013




Ever since I can remember I’ve always wanted to be an author or an editor, I just wanted to do something that involved reading and writing because that’s what I love to do, although when I was in kindergarten my teacher told me I could be anything and without even thinking I told her I wanted to be a postman, that was a short lived dream. I grew up in a small village about an hour away from actual civilization, I mean this village was so small my entire school had 86 students and four teachers, although I guess you wouldn’t technically call one of them a teacher as she just read to us in the library every Tuesday and Thursday, those were my favourite days. My mother always told me that I learnt to read by looking at street signs, I’m not sure if that’s true or not because I obviously don’t remember. When I was in the third grade my parents got divorced and I didn’t really know what to do and I didn’t really want to talk to anyone because I didn’t want people to know I came from a broken home, so the way I coped for the first couple of years was to keep a journal, I wrote about everything in that journal, my thoughts, my fears and my dreams of escaping this small village and making it somewhere in the outside world. I had my best friend at school but she was in the grade below me and didn’t really understand what was happening at my house, I guess I didn’t really understand what was happening myself. It was hard only seeing my mum every second weekend, because I was the youngest and my two sisters were old enough to choose who they wanted to live with and of course they chose our mum; I got stuck with our dad. Now don’t get me wrong he was an okay father, but there were days were I would think about running away and never returning but then I thought of my dog and how much I would miss him, so I stayed. I did run away once, it was only five minutes away from my house but who cares, I packed a bag full of food, I had my journal and some clothes so I was set, I don’t know how long I was gone for but as it started to get dark and no one had come looking for me I decided I should return home because it was at that moment that I realised I was still afraid of the dark. When I got home dinner was on the table and everyone was eating, as I walked to my room to put my things away I turned to my dad and asked him why he didn’t try to find me, he hadn’t even noticed I was gone. At that moment I realised that that was how my life was going to be I was just going to be this little speck of dust that went unnoticed unless I spoke. 

When I was about nine my mother announced to us that she was getting remarried, I now knew that my parents would never get back together and I was hurt but not as much as my oldest sister, I remember standing in my room listening to her crying into my dad’s shoulder asking him why our mother would do this, how could she just give up on all of us? It was a backyard wedding but not like the really tacky ones you see on TV with the really over the top dresses and everything, I was the flower girl at the and as the night went on and all the guests were getting drunk, I was getting grumpy because I was tired and I wanted to go to bed but I couldn’t because of the loud music and people everywhere, I came outside to talk to my mum and my mum’s new husband made me dance on the trampoline, it was not a fun experience.  My mum’s new husband was alright, he was nice and gave me money if I wanted to buy something but he gave me the creeps, I don’t know what it was about him, maybe it was the fact that he smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and had gross teeth like you see on the packs today.

At my primary school they had national competitions for Science, English, Math and everything else, I usually only got a participation because I thought they were stupid but when I was in year six I got a high distinction on my English essay. I was so excited and proud of myself, at the end of the assembly after everyone had received there certificates I was looking for my parents to show them how well I had done, neither of them had bothered to turn up, my dad was at the pub down the road drunk out of mind and my mother was living in town with her new husband, no one in my family was there to tell me I had done well so I sat by myself in the hall while every one of my peers, their parents and the teachers ate, I sat there alone looking at my certificate thinking what’s the point of doing well if no one is here to celebrate with you, so with tears running down my face I ripped it in half and threw it on the ground. One of the teachers saw what I had done and walked over to me with a brownie, like food was going to make me feel any better, it did. She was the one person that actually believed in me, she was the one that told me I could be whatever I wanted to be and she was the one that helped me when I had no one else, I stayed at her house that night because I didn’t want to go home to my drunk father. I think she is the reason I like brownies so much and why they are what I eat when I’m feeling sad.

I moved into my mother’s house when I was in year seven, one of my sisters were already living with her so it wasn’t too bad. I remember the day I had to move in with her so clearly, it was a Wednesday morning and I was getting ready for school but I couldn’t find the pair of pants I wanted to wear. My dad was yelling at me to hurry up because I was going to miss the bus and he didn’t want to drive me into town, but if I couldn’t find my pants then I wasn’t going anywhere. The bus came and went but I didn’t get on so my father told me to fuck off and told me to go live with my mum, I did just that. I packed up most of my clothes and shoved them inside of my school bag, I didn’t have much else to take with me other then my clothes and my school bag. I called my mum and told her what happened and she said she would meet my dad half way so that they both didn’t have to drive too far unnecessarily, so I got in my dad’s car and we drove the half hour in complete silence and when I got out to get into my mum’s car he didn’t say goodbye or kiss me goodbye he just drove off and that was that.

I never really had that many friends in high school but I didn’t need them because most people are fake anyway, I did however have one person who I would trust with my life, she was and still is my best friend in the world and I love her. We had every class together except for one. She was my rock in high school and I was hers, we would talk about everything from boys to bad grades. She got pretty good grades, mostly B’s with the occasional C, me on the other hand I wasn’t doing so well, I was struggling with everything, I felt like I had jumped off of the Titanic as it was sinking and it was pulling me down to the bottom of the ocean with it. The only class I actually got a good grade in was French; I mean who knew doing French all through primary school would come in handy, that was my first and only A. With everything that was happening in my life I was losing control, I was becoming depressed and no one knew. I would stop going to class or just school in general. My mum thought someone may have been bullying me because I wouldn’t get out of bed to go to school so she called my school and I got called into the principal’s office the next day, she kept saying that I was in a safe environment in her office and anything that I told her wouldn’t leave the room, I knew it was all a load of bullshit and didn’t tell her anything, I mean I couldn’t tell her anything there was nothing to tell because I wasn’t being bullied. I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling, not even my best friend, I tried to pretend that I was happy but it got to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore so I cut myself, it felt really good. At first I just started cutting my thighs because I was ashamed that I had to cut myself to feel happy but then I started cutting my wrists, so I started wearing long sleeved tops, jumpers and jeans. No one suspected a thing, until summer came around. People would ask me if I was hot and I would lie and say that I was fine, I had stopped talking to my best friend because her parents said I was a bad influence on her. I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I started writing a journal again, I would sit in the art room during lunch and recess and I would write in my journal or I would draw. One day during lunch when I was sitting there drawing on the back of my bag the art teacher walked in and told me I couldn’t be in there, I told her I didn’t want to go outside because it was too bright so she sat down across from me and asked if everything was okay, that was the first time someone had actually asked me that and I didn’t know what to say, I broke down. I told her everything and she sat there patiently listening to every word I said. She helped me get through that point in my life that I thought would never get better, even though she made me see the school counsellor once a week, if it weren’t for that one person actually taking the time out of their own personal issues to ask me if everything was okay I don’t think I would be here today and I cannot thank her enough for that.

About a week before I started college I started talking to my best friend again. We went to different colleges for about two days and then I realised I needed her so I transferred to her school. Because I had transferred after school had started and most of the classes were full I didn’t have much to choose from, I ended up having two classes and a free with her. On my first day at my new school I had a life drawing art class, it was not what I expected and I tried to change as soon as I could but nothing else was available on that line so I stopped going to that class because I didn’t like looking at myself naked let alone someone else. College was going well I was only skipping one class and I seemed to be on top of my assignments until I started getting invited to parties. At a party at my friend’s house one night I met this guy while I was drunk, he was nice and offered me a cigarette so I took it, I had never really smoked before but I was drunk and it seemed like a good idea. The next day at school the guy came up to me and jokingly told me that I owed him a packet of cigarettes because I stole all of his last night. We chatted to each other for about a month or so when my best friend told me that he liked me, if he liked me then why didn’t he just say so instead of telling everyone else but me? The next day he asked me out. We had been dating for about two months when we decided to have sex, I know the first time is meant to suck for a girl because it hurts and everything, but this was just plain shit for one reason alone, he didn’t know what the hell he was doing and to be fair neither did I but he just sucked, his penis was so small I could barely feel anything and he was just laying on top of me moving up and down, worst sexual experience ever! A week or so later I decided to let him have another go to see if he was any better, he wasn’t. I am a pretty insecure person when it comes to guys and I knew his Facebook password, so I went through his private messages to see who he was talking to and what he was talking to them about turns out he and my best friend had been hooking up. I stayed with him for a month after I read their private messages to see if he would tell me or end it but he didn’t, so I did, he cried. I didn’t speak to my best friend for a month after that but one day I just forgave her because we had been friends for years and I wasn’t going to throw away years of friendship over a stupid boy.

I was turning 17 and my mum and step were going to visit my step dad’s dad as it was his birthday as well, my sisters were in Queensland on a holiday so I was going to be all alone on my birthday. I decided to throw myself a party because no one wants to be alone on their birthday, I had to work late so I gave my best friend the key to my house and told her to set everything up and let everyone in. When I finally got home two people were already leaving because apparently it was getting out of hand and someone was passed out or sleeping in their car in my neighbour’s driveway, I said goodbye to the people that were leaving because I didn’t really like them anyway and didn’t care if they stayed or left. I ran inside got changed and then came out to get a drink when I realised that I had forgotten to buy my own drinks, the party was B.Y.O, so with my friends being 18 already got in my car and I drove them down to the grog shop, who cares if I had no license it was my birthday. When we got back to my house the guy that was in his car was awake and inside, I had only met him once before at another party I had been to and had forgotten I had invited him. I started getting tipsy and the guy was being really touchy-feely with me but I didn’t care because it was my birthday and I wanted to have fun, we went into my mum’s room and shut the door, I was half naked on the bed while he was fingering me when someone opened the door and jumped on us, it was awkward. That didn’t stop us, once they had left the room we got back to business. I had only had sex with one other person and that was terrible so I didn’t have high expectations for this guy, until I saw his penis. I don’t know whether it was because I only had one other person to compare it to but it was huge! He went down on me for about five minutes which was all so new to me because I had never done anything like that before and I liked it. The sex itself was okay but I still feel as though it could have been better if we hadn’t of been drinking. This guy was nice and drove me to work the next day even though I insisted on catching the bus. I probably should have called in sick so that I could clean up my house but everyone told me that they would do it and that my mum wouldn’t suspect a thing when they got home, they lied. The only person that stayed to clean up the house was my best friend and I feel really bad that I didn’t help but then I remember that she slept with my boyfriend. The guy from my party and I started talking and he was really nice but then I realised that I wasn’t the only one he was talking to, this boy was a player. My best friend and I went to a party two weeks later and I told this guy he should come, at about 11 o’clock the party was getting boring and he wasn’t coming so I called my sister to come pick me up. The next day I found out from my best friend that he ended up coming about 20 minutes after I left and then about another 20 minutes later because she fucked him in the back of his car! I’m glad I didn’t like him too much, but still she needed to learn how to keep her legs together.

In our final year of college I was once again called into a member of staffs’ office, I was failing not only on attendance but I was failing academically as well because I wasn’t doing the assignments. After that talk I did one assignment because it was easy, all I had to do was write about my outdoor education camp and even though I handed it in later then my friends in that class I still got a better grade than them. I knew I was failing pretty hard and nothing I did was going to help me pass, my only choice was to repeat the 12th grade and that was something I just wasn’t going to do, so I went to school but stopped going to classes altogether. I went to a party at a friend’s house and I met this guy, he was kind of cute until I realised he was about to cut off o piece of my friends hose to make a bong, he asked politely if I wanted a hit of his bong but I refused because my mother was on her way to pick me up. I had my license now so it was easy for me to go to school but not actually go, I mainly hung around in Queanbeyan with my best friend because that’s where some of our friends that didn’t go to school anymore lived. Every second day that we were in Queanbeyan I would see the guy from the party and we would talk and hang for a bit until he had to go back to work or until I had to go work and I realised that he was really cute and sweet and that I really liked him. One day while we were texting I asked him to tell me a story it was so cute and at the end he asked if I wanted to go out with him some time, I said yes and that night we went to the movies but because he was with his friends I wanted to bring my sister. He didn’t talk to me at all; the only thing he said to me was which movie do you want to see? His friend talked to me more than he did. We started dating a two days after that night.

We had been together about a month when my best friend and I decided to go down the coast with some other friends of ours and of course my boyfriend, I was really looking forward to getting away and going on our first real road trip by ourselves, we had so much stuff and people that we had to talk two cars. When we got to the place we were staying and everyone was settled we all went to the beach and had a bit of a swim until it got too cold, so we went and got some lunch.  We all went back to our cabin to relax but somehow everyone disappeared so it was just my boyfriend and I, we took this opportunity and tried to have sex, it was so awkward, he was so nervous it was like he didn’t know what he was doing, I knew he wasn’t a virgin and he knew I wasn’t either but it was still one of the worst sexual experiences. We got dressed because we heard people coming inside and everyone knew that we had just done it, it’s like it was written across our faces or something. For dinner that night we had spaghetti which my boyfriend started cooking because he’s a chef but my friend ended up finishing it because she didn’t like the way he was cooking it. Those couple of days away with great company and terribly awkward first-time-with-this-guy sex is still one of my favourite trips.

I don’t really speak to my friends much these days; it’s hard when we’re all doing something different now, we’ve all gone our separate ways and don’t keep in touch as much as we said we would but I guess that’s what real life is about, finding out who will always be there and who is just temporary. My best friend is engaged and living with her fiancé and his parents, two of my other really good friends have babies and don’t really leave their houses much unless it’s to get nappies and then there’s me, I worked my ass off at a lousy job to make enough money so that I could move half way around the world for my boyfriend to live his dream and work as a chef in the UK and Europe, while I sit at home and think about what I could’ve been if I had of actually graduated college instead of giving up so easily, all I needed was 5.7 points and I would have passed but I still like the way my life has turned out. Some days I think about going back to school to get the points that I need and then doing an editing course but sometimes we have to put our plans on hold in order to make the ones we love happy. But besides all of that I couldn’t be happier with my life, because even though I didn’t finish school and make something of myself I’m still only 18 and I have paid for myself to move to the other side of the world away from friends and family and that’s pretty impressive, how many people have done that at my age? Plus I have good health, a roof over my head and a loving boyfriend of nearly two years and that’s all I could ever ask for.

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