street performing "now really who throws a shoe"

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
street performing ottawa 2008, rant, biography

Submitted: October 31, 2008

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Submitted: October 31, 2008



ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the show. But this show is no ordinary show. this show is a fire show performed right here before your eyes, a street show of magnitudinal perportion. Hold onto your children, dont worry im a professional and this is why i perform here.....on the street. At first its only a spark but then as the flame gains thier eyes and hearts illuminate, (the curiosity grabs them and they get drawn in like moths) what your about to see is called fire do not want to try this at home...try it at school youll make more money. ok now that i have your attention your exspecting a good trick right....well come a little closer so that those people too busy to watch ( point ing my nose snootily toward the air) can pass be hind you. You there young child can you count to three, ok this half of the audience you guys will count 1,2,3 and then the other half of the audience will yell eat it...are you, two, it!!!!!

after a few yells i blow out the fire and people go booooo, i say what, you think you guys were loud enough to eat this fire...ya right. then i start naming big places like LA, florida, NYC, guys were a whisper. In order to eat this fire you guys have to be really loud and then really quiet so you can actually hear me eat the fire., two, three, eat it!!!

another great yell followed by a gugling sound (the fire gets eaten). There you have it folks fire eating...your probably thinking how could it get better right. well let me just pull out these (juggling clubs) razor sharp juggling many of you have seen fire juggling before? a few ok now real live juggling youtube dosnt count ( a few hands go down) ok well nows your chance parents i have liability insurance nows your chance to make a few million, just push your kids out front and get ready to dial 911 ready. Actually i will need at least one of you as my volunteer, i need someone who is brave, daring and does not pee when they get really excited. you yes you...perfect. alright whats your name ( for fiction sake) cindy...well hello cindy how old are you...six. you look very brave ok just stand over here for now...ok this is my fire juggling routine check this out. a few double spins some balances and then it stops for a second with one torch made out of the three i light my pant leg on fire and act like a clown.

then say parents theres a fire extinguisher right back stage their if you get scared and feel im really on first kids. cindy are you ready....yes. ok what your going to do is lay down right here over my special cape here, wrap it around you tight, this is a special elven cape that will protect you from danger ( as i make the symbol of a cross chest to chest, navel to crown) i begin to juggle overe her..scared she move a little and i stop. ladies and gentlemen please refrain from taking flash pictures at this time...dont dare ask me why cusz it looks something like this...and i drop the clubs on either side of her.

I ask her there were you scared....she replies no. ladies and gentlemen i announced earlier i was using knives and now i will be using fire clubs.....not so funny anymore is it. I ask her again if she is scared and she says just a little but i know this cloak will protect me...lets hope so little cindy lets hope so...can you catch .....ready...set just kidding. I think ill do all of the juggling this show.( the crowd laughs a little) i then proceed to juggle knives and walk over her, after i go over her head i slightly turn and shuffle down...children ( now all of us are children at heart) watch close now im going to do three double spins right over her cindy a wounderful round of applause ( we both bow)

up next is a daring poi act, poi is from newzeland but these are not from newzeland can you guess where there from( cupping my ear towards the audience) no sorry vancouver island, but close though. ok will need another volunteer, perferably somebody female and about this tall (placing my hands on my head) you perfect whats your name.....sarah..thank you sarah for volunteering just stand right over there and well be on our sarah are you a fraid of fire....a little....well your in for a shock.

beginning with 3 fast spins the ground for 5 feet on either side of me is covered on fire) the audience guys think thats scary wait until yo usee what im going to to to my victem...i mean volunteer sarah. severl simple tricks later a few catches tangles and a bit of break dance later....sarah are you ready, she nods in response. ok kneel on my cloak keep your arms and legs in the plane if the air bag should come down dont panic and place the mask over you face before some one elses, there are no seatbelts aboard this flight and exits are all around you thank you for flying with fire phoenix air. I begin with a pin wheel ( arms are strasight out and the fire spins in a circle going along the line of my spin) as I come towards sarah i open the pin wheel to pass the fire on either side of her, i then pull back and spin the pin wheel close togather so it spins less than an inch from her face( she squeels a little and blinks a few times) are you scared sarah...a little...ok time to do some you like butterflies sarah? she give a confused i alternate the flames in front of her and behind her, lastly i ask her to stand and spread her legs....her boyfriend says hay take it easy there buddy...I reply im just getting her warmed up you can have her after the show i promise. next i tangle the poi so that both are tangled right belw her "very important area" ladies and gents nows the time to take pictueres, a little black male perhaps for the parents or even her boyfriend. then we both bow...

I have two things left this evening the fire staff and if you a re a great audience i will do some fire breathing....your probably thinking a stick whats he gona do with a stick-stick us up for our wallets, no no im a good performer i wont steal your wallets but we will talk about them near the end of the show ( placing the hat onto the ground) ladies and gentle men all the way from BC ( this is in ottawa) i bringto you fire phoenix and the dance of the hand cuffed fire staff...yes you heard me im going to hand cuff myself and light myself on fire...parents nows the time to hold onto your dearly belovids, i will have hand cuffs on and tough i am a good performer i cant fly...whati need next is my favorite volunteer sarah..i risked your life and now its your turn to risk mine. there is a whip over there if i drop this staff with hand cuffs on you knw what to do...try it once ( i bend over) now dont get fiesty on us this is a G rated show for the kids. cuffing myself i dance about 2 min wit hthe staff. ladies and gentlemen a last note before I take off the handcuffs, I like to always end with a movie scene because i am a theater major...see kids this is what happens when you go to school and major in drama and theater stay in school kids education is good for you. anaways...i know this isnt america but what i need all of you to do is point at me and pretend your an agent from the movie matrix, ok im going to be neo and dodge every single one of your bullets....if i were in america i would be a dead street performer beefore you, on the count of three you are going to yell bang and shoot me like 5 times, ready hay you guys no preshooting. I then do a phoenix rollover and pass the staff on my chest for 2 spins and then on my back for 2 spins stopping the staff in my hands behind my back.

then taking a bow i quote smegul from lord of the rings ( it freezesss it burnsssss take it off usssss) sarah come up and takes me out of the cuffs like a pro...i smile at her boyfriend ladies and gentlemen this man is a lucky man....and lastly this evening before i do my finally are you impressed.....the crowd goes wild) i just want everyone to know that nobody pays me to be here, not now but after the show if you give me a reasonable donation of 20$ ( everyone laughs)

if you go to see a band youll probably pay 15-40$ and even if the band sucked you would have still payed at the door. oarents if i said anything that offended you write it on the bavk of your 20$ bill ill never say it again i promise. if you dont have a 20 theres an atm right over there ill be waititng right here....ok enough about mony lets get tothe finally. ( playing prodigy's spit fire as the theme) fire breathing to cue with a huge burst and then a few small one i then take a bow...are there any smokers in the audience.....smoking is bad and for this trick i do not smoke the cigarette but i do burn it...the differance is i dont inhale... after dipping it in fire oil i place it in my mouth and breathe fire from it, i then grab the guy who gave me the cigarette ( its always a guy cuz i pick on everyone eaquilly) i make him spread hislegs i then re dip the cigarette ( sir dont look down ok keep your armsup and dont look down)and position myself slightly behind him put myself in a yoga head stand and breathe fire off the cigarette inbetween the guys legs we take a bow and i bring out three more hats, ladies gents dont go any where keep being an excellent audience and remember the more money you give me the more money i have. please dont give me any nickeels and dimes their insulting and they make me feel like i need a diet (as i drag my pack across stage) thank you you were all wonderful, my name again is fire phoenix, have a great evening.. ihave business cards if you would like a " private dancer."

thats a full workout to me and the yield was 138.77 i thought to myself 77 cents and thats all the change i get wicked, this ottawa is a great pitch. just then a crackhead ran off with my hats for they were bundled togather i caught the guy but thats not the point...its like in austin reallywho throws a shoe.

Part 2

Life is becoming harder to be free now that each street performes pitch is closed to local artists alone, and at such a cost as 250$ noonder why tehre are so many starving artists. I dont mean panhandlers I mean people who ignite their souls for the mere roar of the crowd, is this a crime? why should our artistic talent fund the Govenrment, we pay scool tax, income tax, goods and services tax, parking tax, sales tax, and now its an artistic tax. I remeber when busking was an honorable thing you could tell you friends and they would ohhh and aaaaaaaa in todays date were looked upon like pond scum or a beggar or kurr. It should be a crime to prevent international buskes to freely roam the worldly buskers pitches by just signing up and drawing numbers. What are we paying for...for someone who sits at a desk all day and works for the city who dosnt know a dam thing about street theater.

Open flame in a public place....what since the beginning of time we have required fire close to us at all times and now were forbidden to eat fire on a beach, or busk with fire on a street corner. what kind of humans are can have a car that burns fuel, you can have a hotdog stand that burns fuel, you can have a cigarette but you cant eat fire. The defination of an open flam is a burning pile of debris. when did kevlar ever become burning debris, as far as i know its fire resistant even at its most beaten up state.

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