Can I blame sadness?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I got blinded of too much sadness. It lead me into wrong decisions and wasted opportunities. If I only knew how important self love before maybe I won't be in this place nowhere to find.

Submitted: February 06, 2019

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Submitted: February 06, 2019

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Impulsive that is what I am. That time all I know is I'm alone, empty and  I want a freaking partner. I was told not to get one for it changes everything in life. I was hard as stone that time. All I know is I want a partner ASAP. I don't know what puts me in rush. But all I know that time is that I need someone who will help me out from this sadness and emptiness, I got blinded. There was a guy I met in a birthday party. he courted me for 6 fucking months. I know 6 fucking months are quite real long before giving a yes to a man who wants you and begs for your attention. I was pleased that someone needs me, and there's someone who was there to love me. But inside 6 months, I was very keen at every detail. Every month there was reason why should I not continue in this relationship. But inside me told me one time, He's been waiting for months for a yes and I'm being unfair for being an indecisive woman. In 6 months, he never failed to exert his effort to make me feel special and do his role as a man. While me, all I did was looking for reasons why should I not accept him. In my loneliness, I once said that someone's going to love me someday. But when the day came, I was not sure about myself and the possibilities that might happen If I will enter this kind of relationship. Fastforward to the day that I decided that this man needs my love. He needs someone to lean on. rom the very first part of the relationship until now, we're now 13 months together... they always ask me the questions that served as a broken tape to my head, "why did you choose him?" "he's ugly" "Why don't you just choose a good looking one? You're pretty!" "he's pretty far from your standard" "I didn't expect that!" I usually just flash a smile but the inner side of me answers that It's not about the looks that matters to me. It's about the companionship that I earned, the love thta I haven't found from the very long time, the attention that I never tried to get ever since, the traditional way of courting (that is my ultimate dream and he was the only one who did that).

Now, I am slowly reading his pages and there were lots and lots of his articles inside that makes me change my mind why I chose him. I was a friendly one and I got BOY FRIENDS who was there who makes me happy before he arrived. Right now, I am slowly turning into a different person that I never dreamed of when I was eight years old. I am slowly turning into a robot that needs to keep up with his attitude. Right now, I am limited to talk with the other guys for he gets angry so easily whenever they talk to me. I'm losing my personality. I'm slowly being controlled yet getting everything that I want to eat. I once needed his help, it was financial. But then he told me this 6 words that slapped me in the face, "I'm-a-boyfriend-not-a-parent" I knew he has his own cash but I really needed some help that time. Last thing that makes me wanting him no more was I was questioned of giving some stuff to street children. I barely know that I don't have much but I wanted to share what I have in life, I wanted to make them feel that every opportunity is open even though they are sleeping in the streets. Now, CAN I BLAME MY SADNESS WHY I CHOSE HIM? Was he even right or wrong for me? 

 


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