Letters to my Mother

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Thrillers  |  House: Booksie Classic
After Lucy was released from an insane asylum from killing her abusive father, she begins a journal with letters to her mom, hoping that one day she would understand, but the one who is left in the dark about her mother and father's relationship is Lucy.

Submitted: September 27, 2012

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Submitted: September 27, 2012




Dear Mom,

November 12th

“You've come a long way since four years ago. Are you ready?” Dr. Matthews asked. I looked up at him from under my long hair and moved my hand from my lips. “...Yes,” I replied. He looked at me and smiled as I stood up. He opened the door and I stepped out slowly.

The cool November wind blew my hair back, freeing my face from the long strands that covered it. The sun was bright and shining, and I took in a deep breath of fresh air; it was the first time I had seen sunlight in about four years. I took two small steps forward and looked back at the isolating hell I lived in for four years. I didn't know what was going to become of me now that I'm out, but I looked up to the light blue sky and smiled.

It felt nice to be free again.


November 21st

I went to school about a week later after I cleaned up, got clothes and a hair cut, and looked somewhat normal again. I stood out at the bus stop, listening to music. I was going to be like the stupid kid in the class because I had a shitty education in the insane asylum. I wondered, would they know? Do they know what happened? I could still hear your voice screaming his name; it was like claws of the devil ripping apart my ears.

I only wanted to help, mom.

The tears that were welling up in my eyes disappeared when I heard the bus screeching to a stop. I looked up; it was the first time I had ridden a bus in four years. I looked at the bus driver with question in my eyes. I don't think he knew. I stepped onto the bus and scouted out an empty seat in the front. I sat down as I pulled my backpack off of my shoulder. Staring out the window, I began to feel so alone.


In my first class that day, I sat at the very back desk of the room, in the corner... So nobody could see me. I didn't WANT to talk to anyone, so I just sat there and stared into space. “Excuse me?” I heard a seemingly distant voice say, “Hello? You there?”

“Oh! Sorry!” I said nervously as I looked up to a cute boy standing at the desk next to mine. I had forgotten what a cute boy looked like. He giggled and said, “Is this seat taken?”

“No! You can sit here!” I forced the words out nervously as I felt my cheeks begin to warm up. “I haven't seen you here, are you new?” I looked away for a second before I said, “Um, not quite.”

“Oh really? Then how come I've never seen you here before?”

“It's a long story,” I said with a nervous smile. He giggled, “Okay then. I just moved here this year, my name is Thane.” I smiled and said, “You have an awesome name, I'm Lucy.” He smiled back, “You have a nice name too.” I tried to hide my reddening cheeks with the mass of dark green hair on the sides of my face, but it failed. The bell rang and we all turned to the board so the teacher could take attendance.

I recognized a lot of people; nobody has really changed. I wasn't even paying attention to the names being called until the teacher called out, “Lucy Hollington?” I looked up at the teacher, then at the massive amount of student faces staring back at me in shock. “Here,” I said so quietly I wasn't sure if I even said anything. “Lucy? Is that you?” my best friend said from the seat in front of me. She seemed to change quite a lot; she had bleach blond hair and eyeliner that made her look like a protistute.

“Yeah, it's me... Elizabeth.”

“What... Wow, you don't even look like you!”

“Yeah, it's been four years.”

“Where did you go? Did you go to juvie? Jail? The loony bin?”

I glared at her because I KNOW Thane heard that. “If you're gonna be a bitch without even knowing what really happened I don't wanna talk to you. I wouldn't want to anyways, you look like a fucking whore.” She gasped and said, “No I don't, I just care about how I look.”

“Yeah, you care a little too much, all so you can get a bunch of guys to drool over you. It's always been the same, Elizabeth, you've always been a desperate skank.”

“At least I'm not the psycho who killed my dad.”

“At least I'm not the bitch making fun of someone without knowing the reason why they are the way they are.”

“I'm not making fun of you; it's the truth. Nobody wants to talk to a psycho.” I stood up, “You're fucking with the wrong psycho bitch, Liz!”

“Don't call me Li-”

“LIIIZZZ!!!” She stood up and I slammed her head into the wall, “Try me, I dare you to!”

“ELIZABETH! LUCY! TO THE OFFICE, NOW!” I stepped away from her. She was crying on the floor and holding her now bleeding head. Everyone stared with widened eyes; I was sick and fucking tired of people's bull shit... As soon as I come back, I have to deal with it again... FUCKING AGAIN! FUCKING AGAIN, MOM! WHY?! MOM!


We walked into the seemingly empty house; I felt the shame towards me shaking off of you. It wasn't my fault, mom... She was making fun of me... She was my best friend... Don't you think I had a justified reason to kick her ass? Mom? It wasn't my fault I was suspended for a week, they should have understood instead of judging me for what I did... I had a reason.


November 29th

Today, when I went to school, Thane still talked to me. It felt nice, but I doubt he knows anything. I have a feeling he was flirting with me, but I don't know... Maybe I'm the one flirting with him; I really like him, you know? He kind of seems like someone who would be okay with what happened, he has this aura... This feeling that when I'm around him, it makes me feel like everything I am is okay. But, it's hard to trust after everything that's happened. It's been such a long time, my social skills are still the same as when I was fourteen years old.

I feel weird today, because everyone stared at me with disapproval. I wish everyone would understand, I wish you would understand, mom... I wish you could know what was going on inside my head. I wish...


December 1st

Mom... Are you ashamed to have me as a daughter? You know, I KNOW Thane likes me now. It makes me happy, that someone will talk to me. Does it make you sick? Mom?

I don't understand why I keep writing these letters to you in this notebook... I don't think you'll ever read them; it scares me. I want you to hear me one day and I want everything to be the way it was before, you know what I mean? I love you.


December 14th

Today, Thane asked me out. If only he knew... I'm scared that this relationship will end up like all my last ones, I can never seem to have a good relationship with a guy... But now, I don't have a good relationship with anybody. I want to talk to you more often, mom. I want us to be gal pals like we used to be, and talk about cute boys, paint each other's nails, and just have fun... Just like we used to. I wonder if you still remember that lullaby you used to sing to me every night. Wiccan Lullaby... Do you remember? When you used to play on the keyboard and sing to me?


Am I really heaven's gift to you? I don't feel like I am... At least, not anymore...


December 22nd

I love Thane; he's amazing. We have a lot in common. He's just a wonderful person to be around, with his beautiful blue eyes and black hair and pierced lips... He's amazing. He always compliments me; it's strange. I'm not used to it, but it's okay. We get closer and closer every day we talk... I'm happy, I'm happy for once, but I feel weird. I want to get this weight off of my shoulders; I just can't stop thinking about what happened. It seems I can't talk to you… it makes me sad. I wish we could just sit down and talk about what happened, but I don't want to see you cry again.

I've already seen it enough, and I've heard it even more than enough... Every night...

Mom... Do you love that abusive man?


Jennifer stepped into the room on the night of Lucy and Thane's three month anniversary. She scouted a composition notebook on Lucy's desk, in big writing, it said, “Dear Mom,”. She slowly stepped to the suspicious notebook and opened it, reading through everything that was written since November 12th. As she finished the last sentence, tears ran down her face... She could hear her daughter's soft voice asking, “Mom... Do you love that abusive man?”

“If only you knew, Lucy... If only you knew...” she whispered to herself. It was two in the morning and Lucy was still out. A loud flash of lightning struck the power line and the lights went out. “FUCK!” Jennifer shouted as she reached for the flashlight on the shelf above Lucy's desk. She turned it on and searched for candles and a lighter. She lit one and put it in each room. As she put the last candle in her room, she was remembering the kinds of things her and John would do. She slowly crouched down and looked under the bed. She pulled out a picture of John, a bottle of his cologne, and a vibrator. “John... I miss you... I miss the things we used to do... It's not the same, it's not the same without you hitting me... It's not the same without you hurting me... I love you.”

Her eyes were glazed as she sat there in the memories of her sadistic marriage. Before she stood up to lie on the bed and use the vibrator, she heard the door slam open along with Lucy gasping like she had just ran for her life. She threw everything back under her bed and stood up. “Lucy?” she called out, but all she heard were loud, rapid footsteps into her room and a door slamming shut.

Lucy didn't even care she was soaked, or her arm was bleeding, or that she looked like shit. She opened the notebook, grabbed a pen, and began writing.


March 14th

“What's wrong with you lately, sweetheart?” Thane asked me as I was sitting on the couch awkwardly. I moved my lips to say it, but the words wouldn't come out. The guilt was eating away at me, mom, I couldn't hold it in.

“Lucy, tell me... Please... You know I'll always love you.”

“Thane...” I looked at him with eyes full of tears. He looked stunned, maybe he had never seen me sad before? I couldn't hold back the tears looking into his blue eyes. “Thane, I...”

“What is it, Lucy? You have me.”

“I... I killed my dad... And you never saw me at school because I was in the insane asylum for four years...” His eyes widened as arm retreated from around my shoulders. A loud clap of thunder tore through the room, just like that night. “You what?” A sob escaped my lips. “Please don't judge me like everyone else, Thane... I had a reason. He was beating my mom, she had bruises all over her... She always had bruises, and sometimes slashes on her back... And one night, I just couldn't take it, and I shot him... Over and over...” everything was replaying in my head.


“I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT, DAD! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER, GO BURN IN FUCKING HELL!” I screamed at him as I pointed the gun to his head. The first shot tore straight through his skull, brains blowing out the other side. My mother was terrified; tears were running down her cheeks, mixing in with the blood splattered on her face as she screamed his name. That scream, that terrified sounding scream; it made me feel powerful.

“ARE YOU DEAD YET, DAD? ARE YOU SUFFERING?” I shot him again in the stomach. “HUH? ARE YOU DEAD? DON'T DIE YET, I WANT TO SEE YOUR PAIN!” I shot him in the arm and chest. “I WANT TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL TEARS, DAD! I WANT YOU TO FEEL WHAT MOM WAS FEELING FOR YEARS! FUCKING YEARS!” I just kept repeatedly shooting him at that point. “DAD! DIE! DIE! DON'T FUCKING DIE YET, I WANT TO SEE YOU CRY! I WANT YOUR BEAUTIFUL SUFFERING, YOU PSYCHO PRICK!” My rampage ended with maniacal laughing and my mother staring at me in terror. “Lucy, honey... Stop... Please...” I couldn't stop, I couldn't. Too much. The rain was pounding on the windows, thunder roaring across the sky into the house. I felt too powerful... I couldn't stop. I... Couldn't...


“Thane... I... I went psycho... And therefore, they locked me up... I just couldn't help it, I couldn't stop. My hatred for that man... I couldn't stop it...” I was crying harder than I ever have; I felt his blue eyes watching me... Observing my every movement and emotion with sympathy. I also felt a God awful feeling in the pit of my stomach... I didn't know what to do. I finally looked into his eyes; the first time I had ever felt shame... And he knew it. I backed away from him, considering he wasn't reacting like normal. “Thane... I don't wanna lose you... I don't wanna lose you like everyone else... Not even my mom will talk to me, I only wanted to help her...” He just stared at me, then at the floor. He kissed me softly and said, “I'm sorry, Lucy... I can't do this... I can't date you.”

It was at that moment my heart seemed to be swallowed up by the black hole inside me. I stopped crying, I stopped sobbing... All trace of emotion was gone... I slowly stood up; I wasn't even controlling my body anymore. I didn't know what I was doing... I couldn't even begin to contemplate. I felt like... Like I had just died on the inside. I grabbed the butterfly knife I had in my back pocket and flicked it open. “Lucy, what are you-”

“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!” I slowly stepped toward the door, unlocking it slowly. I stepped out into the pouring rain, bring the knife slowly to my arm... I didn't want to kill again... I didn't want to...

“LUCY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” I wasn't going to kill another human being... I was going to kill the psychopath, I was going to kill me, mom. I slowly pressed the blade into my arm, making a small, bloody incision. “LUCY!!!” I heard rapid footsteps come toward me, and before I could even stop myself, I had shoved the knife in his throat. He couldn't breathe; he was trying to gasp for air. I looked at his beautiful face with crimson liquid dripping out of his mouth. As he dropped to the floor, my eyes widened as I realized what I had just done...

“THAAAANNNE!!!!!” I screamed his name... And my voice sounded just like yours, mom... Just like yours; almost five years ago.

I didn't understand until today. I didn't understand your pain until today... The pain of losing the man you love. I'm sorry, mom. I'm so fucking sorry. You loved him, and I killed him... To protect you... But I only hurt you. I'm so fucking sorry...


Goodnight mommy, sweet dreams to you too.


With Love,

Lucy Hollington


She slammed the pen down on the desk and began screaming and crying in agony. She couldn't believe she put her own mother through so much pain. Jennifer slowly opened the door, peeking in and quietly calling her name, “Lucy?”

“Mom... I'm so sorry...” Lucy stood up from the chair and turned so abruptly that the chair tipped over. She ran and fell into her mother's arms. “I'm so sorry I didn't understand, mom... I... I... I killed Thane! I killed him! Mom! I FUCKING KILLED HIM! I told him about what happened, and he... Said he couldn't date me anymore... And I was going to kill myself, but he got in the way so I killed him!”

“Oh Lucy, calm down... Please... It's okay.”

“Mom! It's not okay! I killed the man you were in love with, I killed the man I was in love with!”

“Shhhh.... Lucy... I read it, I read the notebook. I'm sorry I didn't understand you; you thought he was abusing me... Lucy, look at me... I need to tell you something, the truth.” Lucy looked at her with big brown eyes. She looked like a child again. “Lucy, honey... Your father, what he was doing... It wasn't a bad thing.” She was silent for a second. “W-what do you mean, mom?”

“Me and John, we were... M & S... I was masochistic, he was sadistic.” Lucy's mouth dropped, she felt worse than ever. She thought he was abusing her, she had no idea that she enjoyed it. It just didn't seem like her thing; she was so kind, caring, loving... She seemed innocent. Mother; the woman who would sing her that lullaby every night, the woman she slept with when she had nightmares, the woman who cooked her dinner every day and she smelled like French lilacs and wore long lilac dresses, with finger and toe nails rosy pink… The woman with long beautiful golden flowing hair... Where was that woman?

Lucy didn't know anymore; she only felt her heart sink lower and lower into the black hole. “Mom... I'm... I'm sorry.”

“No, I should have told you what we were... You were old enough... You were.” Lucy stepped away from the woman that had given her birth and pulled the butterfly knife out of her back pocket. She flicked it open and pointed it to her mother. “Mom... I guess I'm the psycho now, aren't I? Am I going back to that hell?”

“Lucy... Please put that away.”

“AM I?! HUH MOM?! AM I GOING BACK TO THAT FUCKING HORRIBLE PLACE?!” Tears were streaming down Jennifer's face. Lucy knew what the answer was, and she turned the knife toward her own body. “LUCY! NO!” Lucy shoved the knife into her stomach and tore it up. She kept stabbing herself repeatedly. “NO MORE LIVES WILL BE TAKEN, MOM! NO MORE! NO FUCKING MORE!”

“LUCY! NO! YOU'RE ALL I HAVE LEFT! LUCY!” She stopped. Shaking, she fell to the floor. She didn't have the strength to keep herself up. Her mother quickly knelt down and pulled her into her lap. She wrapped her arms tightly around her, looking into her daughter's eyes; seeing the life fade away from them. She caressed her cheek, sobbing silently, trying to be strong for her little girl. She knew Lucy wasn't going to make it, so... She granted her one final wish. She drew in a shaky breath and sang in a quivering voice,

“Heaven's gift to me

Just the way you are

A new aged child

From a distant star


It feels so good

Just to be

So close to your love

You are heaven's gift to me


You are so sweet and pure

Just the way you are

Mama's precious jewel

Daddy's rising star


There's so much in life

For you to see

And so much to be

You are heaven's gift to me


Heaven's gift to me

Just the way you are

A new aged child

Always in my heart


There's so much in life

For you to be

And so much to see

You are heaven's gift to me


There's so much in life

For you to see

And so much to be

You are heaven's gift to me


Sweet dreams.”

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