functionally crazy

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
what can I say

Submitted: September 01, 2017

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Submitted: September 01, 2017

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to be honest it must be me like I repeat patterns no one ever wants  me for me I am everyone to every one I am light for you I am dark for you I am good for you I am bad for you and this for you you don't know how hard it is to be constantly split to never be at peace with self one ,me,singular I am not enough I never quite fit your mould I am never right I am never perfect for you I try so hard for everyone but me no one knows how draining it can be to not recognise ,know ,care or want to  be me anymore not that I know what that even means it's like living in a box that appears to be glass ,you can see through it oh so you think, maybe what you see is the wall paper covering a very dark box an empty box I am always on a journey travelling in search of what I don't know all I know is I haven't found it it's a struggle every day to resist the thought temptation to pull that emergency box and jump out of this moving bus. I am. tired of this journey, I am exhausted by the Web I live I rest when I can sleep and that's rare because even in my slumber I can't escape me I just want to get away,float away in the sea. .a place of silence and nothing absolutely nothing I detest how unloveable I am any time anything person moment comment I am given that is positive I cling on...maybe too hard These fleeting moments are my escape because even if I can't have it .just knowing how nice this cake smells is enough because for a person like me that's all I am going to receive. ..I feel nothin I fear nothing I am nothing. emptiness sadness consumes me only sad that such opportunities are wasted on me Oh lord sometimes I wonder if you haven't given up My only desire is to have a child of my own someone that will love me for me ,unconditionally unwavering something of my own..but maybe I won't even succeed or get there. ..I mean children are blessings from God ..I am all out of luck I fear  my time Is getting closer and I don't know if I have learnt the lesson or if I will be the lesson my grip on strength to  avoid giving up letting the other half of me win is beyond a losing battle I just pray I will be a memory that is fleeting and eventually disappear for those I leave behind I am selfish I  am a coward very easily triggered maybe I am crazy functionally crazy


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