I'm Still In Love With You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Our protagonist, the daydreamer Delilah leaves her home in search of something new ... but she can't go alone so she ends up asking her ex-partner to leave with her. He must still have feelings for her, why else would he drop everything to be by her side again?

Submitted: January 12, 2013

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Submitted: January 12, 2013

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We lay in separate beds, separate worlds, across the room from each other, cut off by a gaping space of nothingness. It went on forever, and ever, and I could still see his shape. The bed squeaked; he tried to get comfortable. I didn’t move. I was cold. The window didn’t shut properly. We were together but apart; I don’t know if I liked it or not.

I trusted someone that I didn’t even know.

Who was he?

I’m not sure what to call him. An ex-partner sounds too cliché. He wouldn’t like to be someone’s ex. He thought to the future, not the past. I’ll go with his name. Kingsley. He is my Kingsley.

But he isn’t mine. Not anymore.

I could feel him looking at me. I couldn’t see properly because it was dark. But I knew he was doing what I was doing; trying to make the endless drop of nothing into something more friendly, more kind. If he couldn’t see me, maybe he was trying to pretend. To pretend he could make out the outline of my bed, the outline of my hair. If he ate his carrots to see in the dark, maybe he could make out the glisten in my eyes from the reflection of the street-lamp outside. I looked across to him. I could see darkness. I couldn’t see.

“Kingsley,” I said, and the dark swallowed my words up like a gulping fish. I tried again; I knew he was awake, listening. “Kingsley, I’m cold.”

He didn’t say anything at first. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he was sleeping peacefully, dreaming of something that he wouldn’t remember the next morning. Maybe calling out to him was pushing the boundary too far. Friends was good, asking him for help was bad.

“Put your jumper on.” He replied, but it was so much later I had almost forgotten the words I had spoken. I had forgotten he was with me. I jumped.

“I have.” I curled my hands inside my sleeves and tucked my knees up to my chest. “I can’t get warm.”

He sighed. “Okay.”

Silence. The darkness came back. I was blind again.

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Don’t you want me to warm you up?”

“Really, Kingsley?”

He didn’t say anything. Much too eagerly, I tumbled out of my bed and groped through space to get to him. His bed was closer than I thought, and no warmer than mine, either. I stood by it anxiously, not knowing whether I should wait to be invited in. Things used to be simpler when sharing a bed was second nature.

“Are you getting in?” he asked, pulling his blanket back for me. I lay next to him, facing away from him. We didn’t touch. I couldn’t tell how close he was to me. He still felt far away, too far away, but at the same time too close. His breath was warm on my neck. I remembered that. I remembered lying with him, hearing his breath coming out heavier as he fell asleep. He would always curve around me protectively. His hands would hold mine. It was like he was a ghost now.

I knew he was still awake. He knew I was awake. If he couldn’t hear my heartbeat then he had to be deaf, it was louder than a bass drum. I pretended to fidget, shuffling backwards, pulling the sleeves to my jumper up and then down again. When I stopped moving, our hands were touching. It was like touching an electric fence, but I couldn’t let go. I didn’t know if Kingsley was enjoying this closeness, or resenting every second of touching that girl Delilah who broke his heart.

After a while, his hand moved away from mine, to hold my waist. I wanted to talk but I didn’t want to break the little fairytale forming in my head.

Why did I ruin this? Why did I just drop what we had on the floor, to shatter and break? It didn’t benefit either of us. He needed me; I needed him more.

“Why’d you do it, Lilah?” his whisper ripped through the anxious quiet, like a bullet piercing someone’s chest.

“I don’t know.” I mumbled, my eyes staring at nothing.

“We were happy?” his statement was a question. Maybe he couldn’t remember. Maybe his memory had placed doubts in his head.

“So happy.” I remind him. “Everything was perfect. Have you forgotten?”

“Erm?”

“What?”

“Had you forgotten?”

I chewed on my lip anxiously, my hands tensing into fists as I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid of making the wrong move. What we had now was alright; could be better, but at the same time … it could be so much worse.

“You made me the happiest person ever Kingsley,” I promised him. “I was just, well, I was just scared.” His hands tightened around my waist and suddenly I felt much too warm. “I made a mistake,” I continued, before he could say anything else. “And even after we weren’t even together anymore, the only person I could still trust was you.”

“Nothing was the same after you weren’t there.” Kingsley said. We had never discussed this, not even when we left home together. It was an unspoken rule between us not to bring anything up that would make our situation difficult. “I pretended things were fine, like it was the easiest thing in the world to just go back to my old routine… it was so hard.”

“Kingsley…” I whispered his name, knowing I needed to apologise… but I didn’t know how. Being with him felt so familiar, I now knew once more exactly what I wanted. I wanted to belong back in his arms, to be the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes. I wanted to be the one he could tell anything to. I wanted to share his secrets again, listen to his dreams. I wanted to be able to laugh loudly around him. I wanted him to mess up my hair or squeeze my nose until it went red and felt sore. I told him I hated it when he did that, but I was lying.

“Whenever you walked past,” he continued, not even bothering to whisper any more. The conventional rule of turn taking whilst talking had gone out of the window, but I let him speak. He needed to let it out; I owed him that. “I would laugh loudly; pretend I was having the time of my life. I’d do something stupid, not to impress you, but to try and make you think I was getting along well. I think I fooled you.”

“Kind of.” I said.

“I desperately wanted to text you, I eve tried to think of reasons why I would need your advice, just so I had an excuse to talk to you! I wanted to tell you how you hurt my feelings. I wanted to get on my knees and beg for you to take me back. I wanted to write on all of your facebook statuses just to make sure you weren’t forgetting about me. I wanted to write you a song and stand outside your bedroom window singing it. I just couldn’t move on without you there to help me.”

I turned over to lie on my other side, so my face was facing his. His eyes were glistening in the dim light, but mostly I couldn’t see him because it was so dark. I hadn’t forgotten what he looked like. He still had those long eyelashes that any girl would envy; he said he didn’t like them because they weren’t ‘manly’ but I thought they were beautiful. Our noses were touching, that’s how close we were together.

“As soon as I left you, I regretted it. And that’s the truth.” I promised. It was my turn to speak now. He opened his mouth to reply; I placed my finger against his lips like he was a small child who wanted to interrupt. “I was just too proud to run back like a silly little girl; I wanted to be who I was pretending to be. I tried to forget about you so I stopped talking about you to my friends. I felt really sad because even though I wasn’t talking about you out loud, you were constantly in my mind, stopping me from doing anything! Every night at bedtime I pretended you were falling asleep with me because you always calmed me down. Without you, I panicked about everything. I just want to say to you I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to hurt myself – I ended up doing both.”

“It’s okay.” Kingsley sighed. “Delilah, I still love you. And, I forgive you. I understand you wanted to be individual and strong by yourself… but do you realise that it’s okay to be strong with another person?”

“Will you take me back, Kingsley?” I asked.

“Baby, I never left.”


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