Star Fox: The Musical (Act One)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fan Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A small joke between me and my friend that quickly escalated into something bigger... It's based on the video game series "Star Fox", so it'll probably make more sense if you're familiar with those. Not to mention that the first act was more of a joke between my friend and I, so it's not the best quality... but I think it improved as it went on. Anyway... enjoy this insanity. (On a side note, my friend was in charge of the musical additions. Not me. Just going to put that out there. She mostly stole them from existing songs, but you know, whatever). It's just for fun :)

***Star Fox is owned by Nintendo, and I do not claim ownership for any of the songs that are ripped off -- I mean, borrowed.***

Submitted: July 27, 2013

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Submitted: July 27, 2013

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SCENE 1

[Enter GENERAL PEPPER, PEPPY HARE, and RANDOM BYSTANDERS onboard the GREAT FOX in the skies above CORNERIA CITY.]

GEN. PEPPER: Curses! That vile EMPEROR ANDROSS has breached our last defensive line!

PEPPY: Yeah, well, I breached your mom last night.

GEN. PEPPER: This is no time for games, PEPPY! Why are you still alive, you senile old rabbit?

[BELTINO TOAD enters]

GEN. PEPPER: BELTINO, contact the Star Fox team! ANDROSS’S forces are overrunning us here, we need backup fast!

BELTINO: But sir, I thought ANDROSS was dead!

GEN. PEPPER: This is a freaking musical, do you expect us to stick strictly to the canon!?

BELTINO: F-fair enough. Shouldn’t they be onboard their own flagship though?

GEN. PEPPER: This was a sneak attack, we never saw it coming!

PEPPY: You see, SLIPPY went to a bagel convention on VENOM, and--

BELTINO: Wait, VENOM? As in, the homeworld of ANDROSS and where FOX’s dad was lured into a trap and killed?

PEPPY: Yep, that’s the one. KRYSTAL and FOX are on SAURIA (apparently TRICKY fell off the waterfall again) and God only knows where FALCO went.

GEN. PEPPER: This is war! For the love of breadsticks, just get them over here!

PEPPY: Alright, alright, jeez ya old kook. What happened to the old GENERAL PEPPER who--

GEN. PEPPER: NOW!

BELTINO: I’ll go send a message to them. [He goes to the message sending thingy] Star Fox, meet at the Great Fox!

GEN. PEPPER: Why this ship is automatic!

BELTINO: Systematic!

PEPPY: Hypermatic!

ALL: Why, it’s The Great Fox!

 

PEPPY:

She has repulsor lifters, and four turret guns, oh yeah

PEPPER AND BELTINO:

(Keep talkin', whoah keep talkin'!)

PEPPY:

Reverse power couplings, and a fully stocked bar, oh yeah

PEPPER AND BELTINO:

(Let’s get going, yes, let’s get going!)

PEPPY:

With a four-speed on the floor, you should see this baby soar

She is custom to a fit, she’s been modified a bit, The Great Fox!

Chorus: (The whole team enters)

FOX: Go, The Great Fox, you're faster than most ArWings

EVERYONE EXCEPT FALCO: (The Great Fox! Go, go Great Fox)

FALCO: Go, The Great Fox, you're the only thing that makes me sing

(The Great Fox! Go, go Great Fox)

FOX: You are supreme!

FALCO: Runs like a dream!

EVERYONE: The Great Fox!

 

FOX:

She’s got hyper laser cannons and plasma to make her soar

PEPPY:

Got a robot pilot; ROB 64

SLIPPY:

Through the galaxy she zips, she’ll outrun all other ships,

FALCO:

You know that I ain't braggin', she's a real foxy wagon - The Great Fox!

 

Chorus repeats 2x

 

FOX: Team Star Fox, reporting for duty. What’s the mission?

GEN. PEPPER: Look, it’s simple, you’ve done this before. Go jump in your Arwings and kill ANDROSS.

SLIPPY: But my ship sustained heavy damage from a missile in VENOM! It turns out therewere no bagels! If anyone so much as touches it it’ll explode!

FALCO: Perfect, let’s go.

[They all go to the docking bay and do that awesome intro like in the games.]

 

SCENE 2

[FOX, FALCO, KRYSTAL, and SLIPPY are all in their Arwings on the spacefront. SLIPPY’s is currently on fire.]

FOX: I don’t see anything. Where is ANDROSS’s army? More importantly, his flagship?

FALCO: It’s not like it’s hard to miss.

SLIPPY: Maybe they used a cloaking--

FALCO: Shut up, SLIPPY.

KRYSTAL: Hold on... I’m detecting some faint brain waves. They’re getting closer... Someone’s coming!

FOX: What?! Who?

KRYSTAL: Gee, let’s think for a second. Who is always intercepting our plans when we’re about to do something important?

FOX: ...SLIPPY?

[Enter WOLF O’DONNELL, LEON POWALSKI, and PIGMA DENGAR in their WOLFENS.]

FOX: Oh, right, this is familiar.

WOLF: Well, if it isn’t Star Fox. You still owe me an apology for reasons that I have forgotten. It may have had something to do with our embarrassing defeat on VENOM.

LEON: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...

FOX: Oh, great, it’s Star Wolf. Listen WOLF, you know we’ll just defeat you like every other time we fought.

PIGMA: Except of course for that time we blew up half of FICHINA. Heh heh.

FOX: Shut your trap, PIGMA! Where’s PANTHER?

[The music starts as PANTHER swaggers in]

 

When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly

I pimp to the beat, walking down the street in my new lafreak, yeah

This is how I roll, animal print, pants out control,

It's Panther with his deadly rose

And better watch out, I've got claws

 

Girl look at that body (x3)

I work out

Girl look at that body (x3)

I work out

 

When I walk in the spot, this is what I see

Everybody stops and they staring at me

I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it

 

I'm sexy and I know it (x2)

 

PANTHER (to KRYSTAL): Ah, the lovely KRYSTAL. You are just as beautiful as I remember you from last Thursday night.

FOX: Hm?

KRYSTAL: Nothing, FOX, he’s crazy. (to PANTHER) Cool it, PANTHER, he has no idea. Meet me later on Titania.

PANTHER: M-row.

[FOX’s transceiver rings]

AMANDA (on transceiver): Hey, SLIPPY, I- oh, hi FOX. Sorry, wrong number. Would you mind putting SLIPPY on?

FOX: Sorry, sorta busy here. Who are you?

SLIPPY: That’s my wife, AMANDA!

FOX: Wait, you’re married?

WOLF: Alright, boys, let’s do this!

FOX: Could I call you right back?

AMANDA: But there are Aparoids attacking AQUAS! My family is in danger!

WOLF: Did... Did I hear Aparoids?

FOX: Ah, crap. If it isn’t evil monkeys bent on taking over the galaxy, it’s evil parasitic aliens that are also trying to take over the galaxy. We get paid for this, right?

SLIPPY: My wife is in danger! Come on, we have to hurry!

KRYSTAL: But... what about Star Wolf?

FALCO: You guys go on ahead, I’ll take care of them.

FOX: No, you will not. Let’s go, guys, this is way more important!

WOLF: Wait, I’m not finished with you!

FOX: Oh, go angst somewhere else.

[FOX, FALCO, KRYSTAL, and SLIPPY depart quickly]

WOLF: No! If they keep running away like that I will never get my revenge!

PIGMA: Hm.

LEON: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

PANTHER: Nobody cares, dear.

WOLF: We musn't forget our philosophy, now.

 

WOLF:

If you're havin' trouble with your high school head/huh, huh, huh, huh

He's givin' you the blues/huh, huh, huh

You wanna graduate but not in 'is bed/huh, huh, huh, huh

Here's what you gotta do/huh, huh, huh

Pick up the phone, I'm always home/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh

Call me anytime/huh, huh, huh

Just ring: three-six-two-four-three-six, hey

I lead a life of crime

 

STARWOLF:

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap

Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap

 

SCENE 3

[FOX, FALCO, SLIPPY, and KRYSTAL enter AQUAS. They land on a beach.]

SLIPPY: Oh no, oh no, oh no! I don’t see any aparoids! Where’s my family?!

[He begins to cling to FOX’s waist]

SLIPPY: What if they were already killed? [sobs uncontrollably] What will we do then?!

FALCO: Go home and break out the champagne?

[Enter AMANDA and SLIPPY’S CHILDREN.]

AMANDA: Oh, my beautiful husband! There you are!

[She hugs SLIPPY, who is still hugging FOX, and the children are piled on therefore creating an awkward line of hugging.]

FOX: I am extremely uncomfortable right now.

[SLIPPY releases him and turns to AMANDA]

SLIPPY: Oh, thank Colonel Sanders you’re alright, AMANDA! But where’s the Aparoid?

AMANDA: Oh, I made that up. There is no Aparoid. I just wanted you to come home. I was lonely and these kids are a pain to deal with.

[pause]

AMANDA (to FOX, FALCO, and KRYSTAL): Have you guys met our children yet?

[longer pause]

FALCO: Yeah... I’m leaving. This is gonna get ugly.

[FALCO exits]

KRYSTAL: Good idea. We were kinda busy before--

SLIPPY: Oh, come on KRYSTAL, my kids are adorable!

[AMANDA presents them all in a line]

AMANDA: This is Sloopy, Slappy, Slimey, Skippy, Sluggy, and Amanda Jr.

FOX: Right, cute, now we really do have to--

AMANDA (interrupting): You know... You two really should have children. They would be delicious.

[even longer pause]

KRYSTAL: FOX, go get the Arwings.

AMANDA JR.: Wait, don’t you want some conception pills?

FOX: What?! We don’t... go away! You’re, like, two! SLIPPY, this is ridiculous!

SLIPPY: FOX is right, guys. Everyone knows that KRYSTAL has it for PANTHER.

FOX: She does not! KRYSTAL, what the hell is he talking about?!

KRYSTAL: What is he ever talking about?! You know he’s insane!

SLIPPY: But KRYSTAL, you said--

KRYSTAL: Hey, hey, I’m getting a telepathic message from PEPPY, if we don’t go right now we’re all gonna die.

SLIPPY: PEPPY’s not--

FOX: Yeah, I’m getting it too, let’s get out of here!

SLIPPY: But FOX, you don’t--

[FOX and KRYSTAL run offstage]

AMANDA: It’s okay, SLIPPY, leave. I can just drown my sorrows and feelings of abandonment with vodka.

SLIPPY: When did we get vodka?

AMANDA JR.: I made it myself!

SLIPPY: Awww, isn’t that cute.

AMANDA: But before you go, SLIPPY, the kids and I wrote a song that we want to share with you.

SLIPPY: A... a song? Okay!

[Amanda sings Sweet Transvestite, preferably with a congo line of her children]

How d'you do, I see you've met my faithful handyman

He's just a little brought down because when you knocked

He thought you were the candyman.

Don't get strung out by the way that I look,

Don't judge a book by its cover

I'm not much of a man by the light of day,

But by night I'm one hell of a lover

 

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.

 

So let me show you around, maybe play you a sound

You look like you're both pretty groovy

Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal

We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

 

So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?

Well babies, don't you panic.

By the light of the night when it all seems all right

I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

 

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.

 

So why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite?

I could show you my favourite obsession.

I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan

And he's good for relieving my tension

 

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.

 

So come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab.

I see you shiver with antici... pation!

But maybe the rain isn't really to blame

So I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom.

 

SLIPPY: I don’t get it, was that supposed to mean anything?

AMANDA (in a really low, manly voice): Nothing that you won’t find out soon, pudding.

SLIPPY: Hold on, FOX is sending me a message.

FOX (on SLIPPY’s bluetooth thing): SLIPPY, get your froggy ass up here, we’re in a situation!

SLIPPY: I must go, my people need me!

AMANDA: Aww, heroic SLIPPY is off to the rescue.

SLIPPY: Farewell, my love!

[He kisses her and exits]

AMANDA: That poor boy, he overworks himself. I worry for him sometimes.

SLIPPY’S CHILDREN (in creepy unison): We worry for him too, mother.

 

SCENE 4

[FALCO is cruising through space in his Arwing.]

FALCO: Huh. They’re not back yet. I wonder if she ate them or something.

[KATT MONROE enters in her ship behind him]

FALCO: Not to mention CORNERIA’s probably in ruins by now. Which sucks, because nowI have to explain to GENERAL PEPPER why we weren’t there.

[He turns sharply to face KATT]

FALCO: Hey, who do you think you are, sneaking up on me like that?

KATT: Is that any way to greet a girl?

FALCO: KATT? What are you doing here?

KATT: It’s been a long time, hasn’t it FALCO?

FALCO: Hm. Yeah. That didn’t answer my question.

KATT: What, shouldn’t you be happy to see me?

FALCO: Look, KATT, I know why you’re here. I already told you, I--

KATT: Jeez, you’re always jumping to conclusions. It’s not like that; I’ve just been wandering around for awhile and I ran into you. I need a place to stay.

FALCO: Why don’t you just go back to ZONESS?

KATT: That’s the problem. I left the gang.

FALCO: Really?

KATT: Yeah.

FALCO: And I suppose you’re going to be following me around then.

KATT: Oh, don’t be like that. I just want things to go back to being like they were. Before this whole Star Fox thing.

FALCO: So, like, the gang?

KATT: Before that too.

FALCO: Ugh, KATT--

KATT: Look, you owe me from that last time on ZONESS during the invasion.

FALCO: Alright, alright, fine.

KATT: That took a lot longer than it should have.

FALCO: You’re welcome. Assuming it hasn’t been shot down yet, the Great Fox should be in this direction.

[They exit]

 

SCENE 5

[GENERAL PEPPER, PEPPY, and RANDOM BYSTANDERS are onboard the Great Fox]

GEN. PEPPER: They just left? PEPPY, why would Star Fox just leave in the middle of a battle?

PEPPY: Oh, I don’t think they left.

GEN. PEPPER: Then where are they?!

PEPPY: Dead. Or at least SLIPPY is. The rest of them might just be injured or something.

ROB-64: My sensors indicate that ANDROSS’s fleet has disappeared as well.

GEN. PEPPER: What? They’re gone too? What happened?

PEPPY: I dunno. Spontaneous combustion?

GEN. PEPPER: Entire fleets don’t just randomly burst into--

ROB-64: Evidence indicates that they appear to have unexpectedly caught fire and perished.

[pause]

GEN. PEPPER: In space, where there is no oxygen?

ROB-64: Indeed.

[Enter FALCO and KATT]

FALCO: Hey guys.

GEN. PEPPER: FALCO, where have you been? What happened to the rest of the team? Who isthat?

KATT: Sheesh, who’s the dog?

FALCO: No one important. Why don’t we--

[BELTINO TOAD rushes in]

BELTINO: We just got a distress signal from my son!

[pause]

BELTINO: ...SLIPPY is in danger, we have to go rescue him!

[longer pause]

BELTINO: ...FOX and KRYSTAL are with him?

PEPPY: WHAT?! Come on, guys, we have to go rescue Star Fox from SLIPPY!

BELTINO: What? No, that’s not what I--

PEPPY (yelling): FULL POWER TO THE ENGINES!

KATT (to FALCO): What the hell is a ‘Slippy’?

FALCO: If I knew I’d tell you. Come on, let’s go, things are going to get ugly.

[FALCO and KATT exit]

PEPPY: Onward to VENOM!

BELTINO: A-actually, the signal’s location shows that they’re near AQUAS.

PEPPY: What? The only people who live on Aquas are frogs, and frogs suck, so that doesn’t make sense. ONWARD TO VENOM, I SAID!

BELTINO: I... er...

GEN. PEPPER: Welcome to the Great Fox, where logic comes to die. Please drop me off on Corneria soon.

 

SCENE 6

[FOX, KRYSTAL, and SLIPPY are all in Arwings. SLIPPY’s is still on fire. They are surrounded by a gang of four or five MERCENARIES]

KRYSTAL: This is bad... We’re outnumbered, my ship’s G-Diffuser system is backed up, and SLIPPY is on fire.

FOX: Did you contact FALCO?

KRYSTAL: Yes, but he just said something like “Desole, no hablo el ingles” and hung up.

MERCENARY 1: Quit stalling. Emperor ANDROSS specifically ordered us to bring you to him. Except for the frog.

MERCENARY 2: In fact, he said something to the extent of “If you bring that stupid frog to me, I’ll lock you up in a room with him and red bull and just leave you.”

SLIPPY: Yeah, that’s really helping the ol’ self esteem.

MERCENARY 3: We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

MERCENARY 2: Then there’s the medium way. And the semi-hard-almost-easy-medium way. Or-

KRYSTAL: How about no? FOX, go kill them.

FOX: KRYSTAL, it’s not that simple.

KRYSTAL: Oh, if only TRICKY were here...

FOX: TRICKY...?

MERCENARY 1: Enough chit-chat. Move in, boys.

[A large space whale approaches. On the side it says “C.S.S. Titanic”. The whale blows up the MERCENARIES and pulls FOX, KRYSTAL, and SLIPPY aboard with a tractor beam. On its back there are many mice and a dog that is wearing rapper clothes.]

FOX: Thank you for your help, sir.

KRYSTAL: If it hadn’t been for you, I would now be in someone else’s digestion.

[FOX look at her strangely]

DOG: You know there’s something you should know, so I’m gonna tell you so! Don’t sweat it! Forget it! Enjoy the show!

[He proceeds to sing “Party Time” from that terrible Titanic movie]

Workin' all day, now it's time to unwind!

Kick back, relax, take a load off your mind!

I'll be bustin' the moves, I'll be bustin' the rhymes!

We'll be bustin' up laughin', 'cause it's party time!

Everybody’s feelin’ fine cause it’s party time!

It’s party time, party time!

Everybody’s feelin’ fine cause it’s party time!

It’s party time, party time!

Everybody’s feelin’ fine cause it’s party time!

It’s party time, party time!

Everybody’s feelin’ fine cause it’s party time!

It’s party time, party time!

Everybody’s fee


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