Jesus Christ Super Toaster

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
Omar Holmon's poetry

Submitted: March 22, 2013

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Submitted: March 22, 2013



Omar Holmon - "Jesus Christ Super Toaster"

During a phone conversation over religion

I told my ex that I didn’t pray

I believe in God but it’s just something I didn’t do

After this discovery he said he didn’t know if he could date me anymore

Said I wasn’t devout in my faith

I said hold on

How you gonna judge me?


I’m lost


I’m not devout in my faith

I then proceeded to inform him

Wait, I’m sorry

School him

On a small company in Vermont that produced a toaster

That burns the image of Jesus Christ onto slices of bread

I don’t know what the name of the company’s called

So let’s just call it “Awesome”

Because 40 dollars later

Plus shipping and handling

Guess who’s got an awesome toaster

That’s right, me!

And it doesn’t stop there!

This toaster knows no race, gender, or creed.

It accepts all types of bread equally.

I’m talking

White bread

Rhy bread


Sour dough

I even customized it so that when the toast pops up,

The toaster goes “Ahhh!”

And doves fly out.

Now if that isn’t devout, huh,

I don’t know what is.

Then I told him,

“How you gonna judge me when I see devil ham in your pantry?


Devil dogs in a delicatessen. What?

That’s straight blasphemous.

Me? I have breakfast with Jesus every day!

Can I get some sour cream?

Now who said they can’t believe it’s not butter?

What? You can’t believe?

Let the breakfast club say “Amen!”

Now Master Jam said, “I love me some Jesus”

Well my Jesus is great

My Jesus is strawberry preserves on whole wheat

My Jesus is delicious with some cream cheese

When I die, my will shall dictate that I be buried with my Jesus Christ Super Toaster

When I roll into heaven on a fire breathing yellow hippopotamus

Ipod in one hand,

Jesus Christ Super Toaster in the other,

Jesus is gonna be all, “What up?”

I’ll be like, “Nothin”

[Jesus] “That’s cool”

[Me] “Here, this is for you, Jesús”

[Jesus] “Whaaaaaaat?!”

And when that first piece of toasty delicious pops up in front of him

Making him think he’s looking in a stain glass breaded mirror

Jesus is gonna be like “Oh my God this shit is hot son!”

And I know what you’re thinking


This is what Jesus sounds like in my head

And on Xbox Live

He’ll be all happy saying,

“Oh my God, dude. Dad, check this out!

It’s me, yo. It’s me!

Where Lucifer at?

Imma rub it in his face like ‘Ahh. Stings don’t it?

Take that. Take that..’”

Now mind you,

He actually hung up somewhere around Jesus being delicious with cream cheese

But I kept going on anyhow

Because the way I see it

If heaven has a sense of humor

I’m so in there

And if it doesn’t

Well then, I had a good run

And I doubt I’ll need my toaster where I’m going.

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