Omar Holmon - "Jesus Christ Super Toaster"
During a phone conversation over religion
I told my ex that I didn’t pray
I believe in God but it’s just something I didn’t do
After this discovery he said he didn’t know if he could date me anymore
Said I wasn’t devout in my faith
I said hold on
How you gonna judge me?
I’m not devout in my faith
I then proceeded to inform him
Wait, I’m sorry
On a small company in Vermont that produced a toaster
That burns the image of Jesus Christ onto slices of bread
I don’t know what the name of the company’s called
So let’s just call it “Awesome”
Because 40 dollars later
Plus shipping and handling
Guess who’s got an awesome toaster
That’s right, me!
And it doesn’t stop there!
This toaster knows no race, gender, or creed.
It accepts all types of bread equally.
I even customized it so that when the toast pops up,
The toaster goes “Ahhh!”
And doves fly out.
Now if that isn’t devout, huh,
I don’t know what is.
Then I told him,
“How you gonna judge me when I see devil ham in your pantry?
Devil dogs in a delicatessen. What?
That’s straight blasphemous.
Me? I have breakfast with Jesus every day!
Can I get some sour cream?
Now who said they can’t believe it’s not butter?
What? You can’t believe?
Let the breakfast club say “Amen!”
Now Master Jam said, “I love me some Jesus”
Well my Jesus is great
My Jesus is strawberry preserves on whole wheat
My Jesus is delicious with some cream cheese
When I die, my will shall dictate that I be buried with my Jesus Christ Super Toaster
When I roll into heaven on a fire breathing yellow hippopotamus
Ipod in one hand,
Jesus Christ Super Toaster in the other,
Jesus is gonna be all, “What up?”
I’ll be like, “Nothin”
[Jesus] “That’s cool”
[Me] “Here, this is for you, Jesús”
And when that first piece of toasty delicious pops up in front of him
Making him think he’s looking in a stain glass breaded mirror
Jesus is gonna be like “Oh my God this shit is hot son!”
And I know what you’re thinking
This is what Jesus sounds like in my head
And on Xbox Live
He’ll be all happy saying,
“Oh my God, dude. Dad, check this out!
It’s me, yo. It’s me!
Where Lucifer at?
Imma rub it in his face like ‘Ahh. Stings don’t it?
Take that. Take that..’”
Now mind you,
He actually hung up somewhere around Jesus being delicious with cream cheese
But I kept going on anyhow
Because the way I see it
If heaven has a sense of humor
I’m so in there
And if it doesn’t
Well then, I had a good run
And I doubt I’ll need my toaster where I’m going.
© Copyright 2016 forensics. All rights reserved.
Poem / Religion and Spirituality
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