A Warm Summer's Sunday

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

This isn't really a short story, so much, but a re-telling of an event I experienced on the weekend. It was a twenty minute task in my English Writing Course. Hope you like it.

The wind whispers softly through the trees, causing the young girl to shiver slightly. The morning is crisp, but the clear blue sky hints at the warm afternoon that is soon to come.

She smiles happily to herself as she peers curiously around at the usually crowded area. As her eyes wander, they fall on the continuous stream of falling diamonds. The water curving as the sun’s bright rays gently caress the droplets, causing them to glint and gleam like untouched gems.

A small buzzing suddenly breaks out from within her clasped hands, and she glances down, her thoughts broken by the announcement of the arrival of her friend, her lover.

The gentle breeze picks up the small, loose strands of her hair, making them dance, matching the rhythm of her delighted heart. Standing slowly, she walks down the small grey path, heading nervously towards their designated meeting point.

A bright smile suddenly illuminates her face as her eyes finally befall on the long awaited lover.
Her skin tingles excitedly as she wraps her arms around his body and pulls him closely, each excited breath drawing in his gentle scent. Giggling softly, she grins up at him and he returns her sweet smile, laying his gentle lips on hers, igniting the fire in her heart more intensely.

Smiles bright on both their faces, their fingers lock together, hearts beating in synchronisation as they head into the unknown horizon.

Submitted: March 02, 2007

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Add Your Comments:


Nick Dwyer

A pleasant reverie, atmospheric and holding the sense of young love close within its words.

Tech stuff: avoid adverbs like "suddenly", "just", "really". They get tiring upon repetition and the narrative works just fine without them. Have a look at your two "suddenly"s, take them out and see what happens! In fact avoid adverbs as much as possible.

For example: "Her skin tingles excitedly" works better if it just tingles.

And finally in my impromtu lecture here (sorry!)...

"The water curving as the sun’s bright rays gently caress the droplets, causing them to glint and gleam like untouched gems." is a long sentence full of over description. May I suggest this, more direct version? I've changed the verb usage to active too...

"The water curves as the sun’s bright rays gently caress its droplets. They glint like untouched gems."

You don't need glint AND gleam, either. Perhaps "glimmer" conjures the image better?

A nice story though, finely painted beneath the extra brushstrokes I've mentioned above. Keep your palette simple.

Wed, March 7th, 2007 4:48pm


Thanks, it's nice to someone analyise some of my work thoroughly once. I will play around with it when I next get time. X

Wed, March 7th, 2007 3:34pm

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