Love Sick Control

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a scene from my old life. A life I gladly through away. I worked through some stuff and no matter how lovey dovey it may seem, I am quite over the fact of love. And one guy from here is my best friend and the other is still in love with me. And my girl friend moved so... Ah. The drama of high school.

Submitted: July 21, 2010

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Submitted: July 21, 2010

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 9/9/09- "I want to get inside your head." Her mouth moves but the words bounce and shatter off the inviciable wall I built inside my mind. My mind? What could I say? My mind is... No. No. I don't think so. She continues but I fail to hear. My arm itches but I resist the urge to scratch it. My legs are falling asleep and I desperetley want to move. I stay perfectly still. I twist my legs a little to try to get that strange tingly sensation out of them. I want to push out my chair, but it's connected to the desk like all the others. I quietly sumerge myself in people watching.

"Personal and unique is what I find..." She's so clueless. The girl in front of me with curly, frizzy hair, is only going to do it becuase her mom is going to make her. How pathetic. The girl on my left is constantly scribbling notes here and there, her pen to paper loud and her bubble gum anoying. Little Miss Perfect. I should be scibbling notes too, but my pencil is in my pocket and I don't want to disturb nap time. The other girl next to me is smiling sweetly, her eyes focused on our instructor, nodding and smiling even wider. She loves this teacher and thinks they are going to have a happy year together. Across the room, my friend sits, her electric green pants giving her away. They hurt my eyes because of their brightness. She too, is focused to the front of the class, but is glancing at someone, then is quickly refocusing on the front. A secret crush perhaps? My two best guy friends secretly adore her and I should feel a pang of jealousy but instead I just feel bored. Maybe a little hungry.
"Something to share with us?" Huh. I guess I sighed really loudly. I see the horrible blue folder lying on my desk and quickly say what comes to mind.
"I need another folder. Mine is poketless. Can I have a red one? Blue folders limit creativity becuase blue calms, not excites the mind like red."  She lookd angry for a second but then a smile brightened her face. "Opps. My bad..."
I look around the boring white walls. Nothing really catches my eye. A robin blue folder plops down on m desk. I glare at the front of the room. No one to see my evil look. I could have actually decorated a red foler. I sit perfectly still until the loud thunder of the bell rings. My mouth shouts to a girl who I think is in my next class. We walk together as my green pant friend waves and promises me a seat at lunch.
Spainish. I can't be utterly silent in that class or I will fail. I set my expression to unreadable and try to say some of the words. The spainish teacher isn't that easy to ignore though. She dresses in bright pink and that, too, hurts my eyes and gives me a splitting headache. Soon, she is telling jokes and I suddenly find myself laughing with the rest of the class though I have no idea why.
I walk by myself to the gym. I turn around a corner and see two girls in my spianish class following me. Weird. I guess they don't know where to go. I keep walking and go in to the locker room. The floor is spoted which is an unmatching combonation with the green lockers. I don't even try to pay attention to the teacher as she gives out lockers and combinations. I hung just outside of a group of girls and only one of them I actually like. She's quiet but I get her to laugh a lot. I like hearing laughs. A different girl asks me a question and I play dumb. Why give out my precious information? I'm a spy for myself. I avoid the big mirror in front of me as I patiently wait for the loud, long, bell.  It rings, finally, and I walk quickly up the stirs and to my locker. I spot green pants and we make out way to lunch. Three boys are sitting at our table along with an older girl. I say a quick hello and Green Pants chats aimlessly about her day. I try to listen but somehow I end up people watching. Again.
The shy boy who always talks to me through AIM is sitting on the other side of Green Pants and he keeps looking at her. Almost starring. I'm kind of greatful for this because then he doesn't notice whose looking at him. I smile and comment on soemthing Green Pants says and I look at the girl who she was just talking to. She's in my study hall, I remember and I quickly tell her that I forget her name. She's Shy Boy's cousin or something which I find kind of weird. She's pretty in a kind of weird, I-know-who-I-am way. She's confident and yet reserved. The other boy beside her eye's are wondering off into space. I wonder what he's thinking about. Right between me and him is Quiet Guy. He usually has a lot to say because he always talks to me through email but chooses not to say a word. I suggest that he go up with Green Pants for some one on one time. The Wonderer chooses to go with him. I try to get as close as I can to Shy Boy to attempt conversation.
"Is she your cousin?"
"No," He sounds bored. "My aunt."
"Your aunt?" The corner of his mouth twitches upward. His smile makes me feel warm inside. I want to ask him to homecoming. Badly. I started to, but chickened out at the last minute. Well, sort of. 
"Are you going to homecoming?"
"No." He blushes and looks down but I'm not sure what that means. He has to come. He just does. There is no rational explaination. My new mission. Find out why, He's pretty open to me and really is only shy around Green Pants. The trio comes back and Quiet Guy looks a little calm, Too calm. What happened in that lunch line? 
The bell rings too soon. I smile secretly because now I can finally ask Shy Boy why he isn't planning to go to homecoming. So I ask. He simply says he isn't going. I continue asking why until I feel like a broken record player. He finally says he has no one to go with. Well. I could fix that. I at least should fix that. Too bad I'm such a coward and the only real reason he isn't planning to go is because Green Pants is going with someone. Boy. My love life is so horrible. We sit and talk during Activity Period and somehow, I find myself stuck between Shy Boy and Nerd Boy. I mean, he isn't exactly a nerd, bu he is kind of cute in a different way. I like talking to him and I think he has a tiny crush on me. I'm not sure though. I spent that period trying to drop enough hints to Shy Boy so he might ask me out, but, on our numerous AIM conversations, he told me he doesn't date- which I think is crap and that he likes it when girls ask him out. It shows him girls can take charge in a situation. (I also think this is crap.) So, the solution is simple. I have to ask him to homecoming. Where would I get the courage to do so? When and where should I do it? What if he says no? See, I already told him I really liked him. He sort of shrugged it off and we both forgot about it. Well, at least he did. I smile as I listen to his laugh that hardly no one gets to hear. I'm glad that I can make him laugh.
Well, the bell rings and the last class I share with my Shy Best friend is over. Strangly, I can't help but feel a little depressed. I move on to Study Hall which I almost missed because of the really boring walls. The teacher is really hardcore, almost a drill sargent. This class, combined with the fact that I have zero friends in this class, makes me want to kill myself. It also doesn't help that Shy Boy probably thinks I'm a dork since I kept asking him about homecoming. Did he look a little frustrated? I try to picture his face in my mind at the exact moment I asked.
"Why aren't you going to homecoming?"
I sigh outloud, just for something to do. The picture in my head could never do justice for what his face, no, his being, does to me. How he makes me feel. I look down at my clenched fists and see my stubby nails making tiny insisions in my skin. I needed someone to talk to. Someone to distract me. I look around and find no one really interesting.
The class is mostly filled with uppperclassman who eeither a) hate all freshman or b) Is so uninteresting that it would cause me great pain to converse with them. The few freshman I know (Only four), all seem to be glaring at me and are all guys. I've never really had any problem talking to guys but, somehow, they never see the difference between my personality and flirting. To them, they think I'm their really funny friend. Actually, to these guys, they think that I'm their really funny friend's friend. No one really important. Which is fine by me, because today, right now, I wish I was invisable.
My next two classes begin and end without much inbetween. Only one girl in art asked if something was wrong and I found myself smiling a bigger smile than what was nessasary and repling in a cool calm voice. "Of corse."
Finally, Social Studies. The one class where I can stare at Shy Boy without him noticing. The one class where I don't really have to hide what my eyes say. I smile as I try to walk faster without drawing too much attention. I run in to Shy Guy though, before I even reach the door. Actually, we have a whole hallway to go before we get there. He smiles ever so slightly and trys to fix his hair by tilting his head. I try not to copy his smile but finding myself quickly losing the battle. What he doesn't know is that by moving his hair I can see his eyes crystal clear. And I love them. I love the light bluish pool they make and how there is a spec of gold in them that makes them look greener than what they are. I look at the small pimples that barely touch his forehead and at his small, dumb-looking mustash. I soak in all these things knowing that they will have to get me through til the next day.
We walk together, talking. He was sprouting off about something interesting he found out today, instantly asking me my opinion on everything. I repond with jokes sometime making fun of him, sometime making fun of some random fact I know. In class, I stare at him through the cracks of other students' heads. I try to imagine how his hair would smell, feel; even. I imagined all the excuses I could come up with to feel it's obvious softness. "Hey.. Your hair is really messy."
Like I'd ever try something that bold. The teacher, a male this time, was lecturing us about how we should be good people and all that jazz until something caught my attention. "Even the greatest Warrior still falls..." A warrior. The strongest person on the feild could crumble? Could feel like the world was a giant, black hole that drains the life out of anyone who lets it? A warrior is like me? I tried to listen to his important information, tried to read between the lines. Too late, so sorry. He  moved on to the next topic about building character. Did all teachers tell Freshman that just because we could be the "bad" year?
The bell rang again and this time, I felt like my whole life was ruled by those very bells. It controlled who I saw, what I did. It also controlled my moods, which I hated right now. I hated how anyone could control the very life which I live. So, when I saw Quiet Guy, I wasn't particularly pleased to see him. He's tall and ok looking with almond shaped brown eyes, and dark short hair. His fashion was in shambles though. Everything about him was dark. Creepy, even. He smiled at me and I answered with a poliet "How are you?"
"Crappy," I laugh out loud though I really didn't mean to. I was trying very hard to keep my eyes down and look as cold as possible. It didn't worked though and he poked me to prove it. I giggled helplessly. We took our seats in class and I noticed a few people starring at me uncomfortably; like they were dying to ask me something. I ignored them and found they were starring at Quiet Guy too. They were girls, of corse, and their stares made me really angry for some reason that I couldn't place. I smiled as Quiet Guy walked me to my locker after class, making me laugh all the way there. We departed. Good, My thoughts yelled at me. Volleyball time.
The gym was old and smelly with dirt piled on the floor three meters high. We practiced spiking for the most part which I slammed my palm in to the ball as hard as I could to make up for the depressing pain I was going through. No one really knows me. They all know the happy act I put on. What they really don't see is everything but the smile. But the jokes and the laughs. "Very good." The coach grumbles and then makes us run. Odd enough, I wished we would have ran more because it helped. It really did.
Through out the rest of the day, I couldn't get him out of my mind. Well, my heart to be more accurate. I thought I heard the beep that signaled he was on AIM. I thought of his favorite colors and of his favorite food as I sat down to eat. Even when I was in the shower, I saw a shadow and jumped because it looked like he was standing there with a fidora on top of his sleek brown locks. I'm losing control. I thought at that percise moment. I licked my lips, got dresses, and five words rang through my head. I am losing myself, bad.
 
End of Chapter 1


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