THE WOMAN THAT SHOPPED TILL SHE DROPPED...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
THIS STORY IS FOR ANYONE THAT ENJOYS SHOPPING.IT IS PURE FICTION AND FUN. SINCE THE TIME OF ANCIENT MAN,HUMANS,LIKE TO AQUIRE "THINGS". LAND,HERDS OF ANIMALS,BEADS,POTTERY. TODAY IT IS CARS, CLOTHES, ELECTRONICS,AND JUST ABOUT ANY KIND OF STUFF. MEN AND WOMEN ALIKE SHOULD LIKE THIS SPOOF.

Submitted: August 02, 2007

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Submitted: August 02, 2007

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I do not know why, people keep shopping. We cannot possibly use all the"things"we buy. It helps keep the economy going ,but my closets are growing. I still wonder why, I keep doing it. Sound familar to any of you?

It is time to get dressed, oh what a chore, my home is so crowded, I can't find anything anymore. First I attempt to get out of my bed, my new lava lamp almost falls on my head. What a mess, what a clutter, I am trapped here. I grumble and mutter. When I finally free myself, I look around. I see about twenty five decorative throw pillows, a duvet cover, over a second duvet cover, various stuffed animals,and not one but two quilts. I get tangled up in this bedding, catch my toe in one of a hundred wires, attached to a lot of electronic equipment, I still do not fully know how to use. I almost crash into this first night table where I have,a clock radio, then a second backup radio,and then a third transister radio, in case of emergency. My motto "better to be safe than sorry" Then there is the computer, a lazer printer, a photo printer,a fax machine, and a web camera, which I have had for three years and still have not used..As I proceed, I almost crash into the second night stand, which is a backup for the first night stand, that can not fit another thing on it. This one has paper for the printer, special paper for the photo printer, lots of stationary, jars of pens and pencils, a few nail files, a box of tissues and a few alarm clocks. These clocks are backups for the clock radios if they cut off the electric in a emergency. My motto is " the more backup, you have the better off you are". There are also lots of Knick Knacks, a cell phone, a land phone, a blue tooth, a blackberry, and a few old blueberries.I spot my Ipod, my new pod, and my nano pod, a walkman, a backup walkman, and on top of all that are a CD player, a DVD player, a tape rewinder as a back up for the VCR if it's rewinder breaks down, which it often does. Finally on top of all of this, there is a pile of mail, business cards of people, I do not remember, a flashlight and a backup flashlight and some candles, in case the flash lights fail to work. On top of all of this is a whole lot of junk.

I am not going to even start telling you about the TV, with the large back, the TV with the flat back and the backup, battery run, TV that are on the wall unit. If you are really interested in what is in the wall unit and on the wall unit, you will have to wait for another chapter of this story.

Getting past all this, I pass my sofa, that has a slip cover, a backup slip cover, a few blankets, which are there to protect it from human touch. Most visitors to my home, if they get past the foyer, do not even know what the real sofa looks like. I had it re upholstered five years ago and do not really want anyone to sit on it, I chose a light color fabric that looks beautiful but soils easily. On this couch, are about a hundred of those very irresistable, decorative throw pillows.

I pass by the coffee table in front of the" no sit on sofa", where you could never fit a cup of coffee. It has four sets of coasters, three sets of backup coasters, and another set just for good measure. My motto is "you never know how many guests will stop by," "so you can never have too many coasters. On this coffee table, are also, five candy dishes, three vases, about twelve candle holders, some votive holders, a large Candelabra, some crystal animals, a silver tea pot, a potted plant, fresh flowers, magazines, and a globe of the world. Did I mention that I live in a studio apartment?

I try to rest a bit on the sofa, pushing the pillows and piles of clothing to the side. Here comes my dog, squeezing in, to be petted. He gets stuck betwen the coffee table and sofa, and three of his round beds, one of his square beds, two baskets of toys, a bunch of my shoes, a pet carriage, and a box of his own clothes. As I finally pass the dining table, that is covered with lots of who knows what. I again remind myself this is supposed to be a place where you can sit down to eat. I have not sat at the dining table in years, because I eat on a snack tray and sit on a ottoman, so I do not ruin the sofa.

I pass the kitchen, and if you want to know what is in there, or in my refrigerator,I will have to get back to you with an entire new story called,"The Kitchen." This is a place where one is supposed to cook, and I think it has been about a year, since I have done so. Most of the time, I order in from the local chinese restaurant, or diner.

We have now entered the nether regions of my bathroom. talking about what is in my medicine cabinet is out of the question. If you try to open the door, a lot of things will fall out and I can not afford the home owners insurance to cover any injuries anyone might receive.

In this tiny NewYork City bathroom, are a cornacopia of goods. Every lotion and potion, you can imagine is here. At last count there were about fifteen shampoos, at least twenty hair conditioners, glosses, glazes, moitureizers for the hair and about twenty various combs and brushes. Then there is a hair blower, a backup hair blower, and a battery run hair blower in case the electric goes out. There are also many bottles of nail polish, tons of towels, about thirty different perfumes, dog shampoos and dog conditioners, and a dog clipper. Then there are all sorts of make up, dozens of lipsticks, mascara, eye shadows, eye pencils, eyeliners, lip liners, many blushes, and foundation and pressed powders. Now we look at the many skin products, some for the eyes, the cheeks, and the nose, the mouth and the face and that's how it goes. I have many kinds of tooth paste and whiteners and much more, last time I shopped I almost bought out the store.

I get to my closet and whow what a sight, a hundred pair of shoes, stare at me in fright. Pick me, pick me, they yell it with zest, I can only wear two, the hell with the rest. My clothes you will see are in many sizes for me. From my twos, threes and fours, sixes and eights, they wait patiently for me to loose weight. The tens, twelves and fourteens, these I so hate, in them I look wider than the front gate. So I choose a pair of jeans and a tee shirt to wear, and than try on another, about ten pair. I am exhausted and my hair is a mess, so now I search all the hair ornaments. So many clips and barrettes, and scruchies galore, but when I see a new one, I will say,"I think maybe, I could use just one more".

The pocket book cabinet is now in my hall, that is where I spend many moments having a ball. There is Fendi, and Gucci and Louie to start, I never get rid of any, it would break my poor heart. Then shopping bags, and street bags, and evening bags, too. As I am searching for one I find my lost shoe.

Now comes the jewelry, the silver and gold, it is a huge collection, I have many times been told.

I am skipping the dresser, with the nightware, slips, and bras. I am much too busy looking for my belts and my scarves.

I need to pay bills, like electric and phone, I do not know where to start, their locations are unknown.

IT IS TOO MUCH TO HANDLE I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING, ANYMORE, SO I THROW ON A HOUSE DRESS AND HEAD OUT THE DOOR. I AM RUNNING AND SWEATING, TILL MY FACE IT GROWS PALE, I AM RUSHING CROSS TOWN TO A NEW" SAMPLE SALE".

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