My senior year is wrapping up and what can I say about senior year and the reflection on the last four years of my life. I don't know how the hell I came to this conclusion because the conclusion came in the middle of drifting off to sleep. But the thought struck me so hard not only did I pop straight out of bed, I had to get online and write this thought down. See thoughts are valuable. Not in the sense of money but in the sense how it could relate to others and could possibly encourage and change their lives for the better. But now lets try to work a little backwards to get to this great epiphany the best I can.
I was thinking deeply about many things. The whole thought was a stream of random thoughts leading to another. I was thinking about the court case in my AP government case and human rights and how they should apply to everyone in the world regardless of what fucking piece of paper says what and whatever president at the time felt like signing it into law. I figure human rights and the treatment of another human remains more important than anything. My strong feelings towards morals and my lack of giving a shit to what a law says is exactly why I am a writer and not a lawyer or judge. I don't have to have a college degree to write anything down and to have an opinion. I guess that makes us all technically a writer. Anyhow my train of thought somehow got to how I failed my Physics class and how I am doing poorly in AP government. My ridiculous excuse to myself personally is that I'm failing because I am gay and I have to be online writing about it otherwise the world is going to end. But no one ever heard me think such a thing because it is to absurd of an excuse any ways. Everyone has problems. One thought kept leading to another until I finally got to thinking about a guy named Brandon and how the world was to effect him in the future and I began wondering about if I would ever call him three years ago and ask him if he became a flight attendent out of curiousity. That made me think about what I was going to become. Everyone is trying to become famous on youtube and on the internet these days. I wondered to myself if I was going to make it. I said to myself I was going to be famous because I don't drink. But than I thought to myself I was just thinking I was going to make it to be famous on the internet because I was different. But that doesn't make sense because everyone is different and everyone thinks they are the best of people in the worst of worlds. Everyone thinks they are the best of people in the worst of worlds has been my secret aphorism I was going to use in the future for philosophical reasons so don't tell anyone I told you. Than I thought how my family would look upon me and I thought it was a great thing that I never drank and everyone else in my family had. But then it occured to me my brothers quit drinking after having life experiences and a little thing in the back of their heads saying what the damn voice always says to me. Your dad died because he was an alcoholic. He commited suicide because he was an alcoholic.
It was at that point the last four years of my life came together in a piece to me that I will never forget. My dad commited suicide because that little damn voice has a name. It's name is God, see I don't want to infer its male or female, black or white, gay or straight, bias or unbias, good or evil, or finally existant or unexistant. I just want to tell you that for three years I spent praying I would be attracted to girls and it never happened simply because that clearly was something that didn't matter to God. See what mattered to God was that I fail my Physics class and was to be to damn lazy to do my homework for AP because God does this thing to me that is torturous in nature. God says to me go to bed and then I lay there in bed for hours on end thinking to myself with no control. I use to take Nyquil to make the thinking shut up and for awhile I thought it was all craziness. But because my brother is a Marine and he quit drinking heavily and settled his ass down to have a family, because my engineer brother almost killed himself in a drunk driving accident and decided that heavy drinking could possibly actually kill him, and because I always refused to drink in the first place and despise any person who comes close to ruining their lives with the stuff, it is very apparent to me that the reason my dad died is so I could have this Epiphany and share it with you all.
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