Broke Through Ice Now I'm Drowning

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

A gay guy found interest in me!

Monday July 27 12:10? Tuesday July 28th! 
I hope I get to know Brandon McNitric so we can date. You know what they say about sleep. Do it when your dead. I almost skipped journaling. I have a new phone, a new friend, I'm going to ....California..... I'm still nervous for the airport. I don't think he will ever ask me out though. He is to into how people look. He's only interested because of that one good pic on a social networking site. I'm so tired. 
I hope the airport stuff goes well. I guess I'll get through. I have to many people depending on me. My stomach gets upset. I'm glad I have ....Brandon.... to keep my mind off the airport. 
He seems so preppy, I kind of like it. I don't know if I could stand his friends. They seem fake, well here my stomach goes again. 
I hope I can control my nerves tomorrow. If I go in with confidence I will do fine. That's comforting. I'll leave it at that. I have confidence in sunshine. I have confidence in rain. I have confidence that spring will come again. That's one of the songs I sang when I was depressed and didn't want to go to school.
I hope I can conquer my tendency to be negative. I'm a little horny right now. we were sending pics back and forth. It was hot. I want a man that is hyper and not afraid of anything. Someone who takes life by the moment and doesn't think ahead. Someone who just does. A wild and free boy. I hope ....Brandon.... can fill my dreams. That type of man would complete me by filling in everything I don't have. 
I like how I use to restrain my writing but now I just write like it was second nature. I once wanted to hide from myself with journaling, but now I want to break free from all restraints. Maybe I'm going through a quantum personality change. It is my goal from now on to be content in a balance between good and evil. How else is there to live?
I don't think I would be able to sleep right now. I'm to worried about the plane ride and to energized from talking to Brandon. (He's texting me again) He said he couldn't sleep. I hope he asks me out. I already asked him but he wanted to get to know me more. I told him he should ask me if he ever becomes interested. That text buzz makes me smile. I've got the hots for him. 
1:10 I hope I didn't drop the bomb. 
1:30 well come to find out he is a druggie and I return to the state of being nervous, well, maybe not nervous for the plane ride. Just driftlessly not caring about shit. This is a perfect example of lives ups and downs. 
I was excited to meet with a brand new guy. I guess all he does is drugs. Weed on and off and lots of alcohol. The only explanation for tonight's behavior is alcohol. He passed out. He holds it well. It wouldn't surprise me if that is what he was doing tonight. 
I wouldn't be surprised if were part of a smaller statistic. A non religious non drug doing no longer depressed homosexual. It is what it is. Sigh. 
Brandon was the second guy I had crushed on. I am pretty immature when it comes to dating. I fall hard fast and have no idea how a relationship is "suppose" to work. I am thinking that I am not the only one considering all the songs about love gone wrong. This one, no offense to Brandon, was a catastrophe waiting to happen. The words fate and irony come to my mind every time I think to the whole situation.
Fate comes to mind because I'm a sniveling drug hater who cringes even at the idea of a drop of alcohol. Though I am getting better with this problem drugs pissed me off. Dating someone who was a druggie basically meant to me that the relationship wasn't going to work out no matter how hard the other person tried. I was going to focus on the drugs and the uselessness and stupidity of using drugs. Why do I have such an anti drug personality?
No one says I should let go of the fact that my dad committed suicide because he was an alcoholic. No one ever made fun of my dad being dead on purpose. I never really was effected by someone going jeesh I want to shoot myself. I guess I was just never comfortable talking about or being around alcohol. So when on the first night of talking to this guy who e mailed me soon after I posted a fine looking pic on facebook I found out he was on drugs. I sort of popped. I never let it go and that among other things ended the relationship chances. 
The irony will come later. 

Submitted: April 09, 2010

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