Friday August 21st 2009
Another lazy day leading to a late night. Yet again I feel so disgusted with myself because I like guys. I burnt my porn today: I'm not sure why. Any other time I throw it out it usually ends up back in my room. I guess I felt I only looked at it to cheer myself up.
It's truly a miracle I am alive. Did I have the power to survive, or is there really something watching over me?
I went to Menards and was surprised to see myself glancing at girls. I wasn't even aware I was doing it, but they were good looking. I don't know if I could of been sexually attracted to them, but it was ok. Of course I had checked out my share of guys today. There was a shirtless hottie on my way home. And a definite guy worth stalking at Menards. These I know I could of had sex with them under proper circumstances. Maybe I'm still denying my honest sexuality or maybe there’s a chance to change.
Either way relationships have always been my weak point. My compatibility lens has never been focused properly. What in my life specifically has ever been focused properly?
I actually look forward to going to Cabela's tomorrow to rummage through all the useless junk. There is stuff I won't buy. But dreaming is what I do best. I should get back into dream interpretation again.
My dream was so weird last night. I was in the San Diego/ Minneapolis metro area and I was sent into the fat gay prison, but I escaped and ran into my friend Jackson from my science class. He was wearing a blue shirt and shorts. He was adorable so I asked him if he was gay. He said no. I checked his fingers because you are able to tell if someone is gay by looking at the length of people’s fingers somehow. Then walking down the freeway I headed into the city where I found myself naked and fearing someone would find me. I entered a building and got lost in a bathroom before finding an exit. When I left the building there was a Mexican with a gun trying to kill someone. I said I didn't care if he shot me because I had guns pointed at me before. Then he aimed it at me and I closed my eyes as I continued to bargain for my life and whoever this other person was life. Then the other person must of escaped as the bad guy started throwing bombs at me as I kept throwing them over the hill. He got pissed off and told me to stop throwing them, but I told him to stop giving them to me and then I rolled him over the hill. I also remember there being a sign for the gay bar club being held at the church. The whole dream was seemingly western.
I'm not sure where this being gay thing will take me. I guess I'll keep my eyes open for possible guys to date, but I'm really wanting to focus on my school. I'm not sure if I want to act upon my sexual thoughts and I know I want to continue my existence.
I hope I can help someone find their meaning in life. I think I have found something that works in mine. Just don't hesitate to do what feels right as long as others are able to do the same. It's something short of a miracle I'm still alive. Did I truly find inner strength to live, or was there something larger than life? Maybe I'm just trying to believe in God to fit in with the majority. Or, I'm not really sure. I am sure I desire for the search and adventure of life as it is truly fascinating even in the worse of forms.
Jackson is cute, I sometimes think he is gay, maybe I will ask him about it sometime.
I was still attempting to skew the possibility of the whole gay thing being a massive lie to myself. I really didn't want to be gay. The reasons should be obvious but I must remind myself of the reasons. First the Bible said it was wrong. Second people make fun of those who are gay. Third you can't reproduce when you are gay. Fourth being gay is just weird and "unnatural". I obviously know these things are all untrue now. I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't taken the time to sort through these thoughts and make sense of it all.
Another thing that didn't make sense to me was the ability of me to come through alive. I honestly thought sooner or later I was going to kill myself. My current and legitimate fear is someone is going to murder me. I guess like my dream shows me who cares I have sort of dealt with worse. I won't tell who pointed a gun at me with a face that seemed serious about pulling the trigger but I will admit that is true and not just a part of my dream.
Another part of my dream that is perplexing to me is my crush on a person Freud would tell me I think is straight. Jackson is good looking and kind. I don't think he is really gay anymore but that's something that may or may not ever be found out. I make it my goal never to hit on straight guys, but I am assuming there are a lot of straight guys who are always checking out girls when they are single. As a gay male I figure my wandering eyes shouldn't be a problem when they wander across a body or two. We will just say I'm comfortable checking people out, sorry if I ever creeped you out.
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