Gay Dismantle

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
A questioning of the workings.

Submitted: March 17, 2010

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Submitted: March 17, 2010



February 12th 2007 Monday
When do we come to learn from our mistakes? Is there a point where we can't get out of a hole with no other help. Do we express the darker sides of ourselves when we don't attend church? If numbers are never ending is depression never ending? When unexpected quotes like I'm ready to give up and just drink pass my mind does it mean stress levels are at a point of danger? When thoughts of anger upon one's ignorant comment cause you to think of murder does this mean something is wrong? Is it possible to answer these questions scientifically and accurately?
Tonight I am tired and worn out at 7:45 and I do not plan on sleeping. I have tons of important things to come tomorrow, but I don't plan on going to school. I am worn and I can not take no more. I won't let these thoughts run further into the ground.
Another answer is made... What is it about church that makes one free no matter what life has to beat you with? I was once happy and now am stressed. The lord is there, but when I question it I know he is not. I say in my head you’re welcome to save me and thank you for forgiving my sins. I say to myself I am lost lord and am waiting to be found.
It's not enough to pray and it's not enough to attend church. My confusion is like a lost puzzle. My life is a run on sentence.
I am selfish to think this when there are people in worst conditions. People go on and on about themselves then it hits them there is someone who has a worst condition. Whether it be a thought of the paralyzed or the starving. The sick or the poor. Those who fight for what they believe in whether it is American or Middle Easterns they have loved ones.
These selfish thoughts are nothing but dust when it comes to those that stop our thoughts dead in their tracks. 
Sometimes even when I thought of suicide and started moving farther away from God at this point in my life I would have to stop and say something silently to myself. Today as I write I think of the people in Haiti and not of anything that deals with my life. It could end at any moment and the truth is even though writing on homosexuality is so close to me, I don't forget to think about others in this unpredictable world. 

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