Grasping Walls of Hope

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
My new sexual interest.

Submitted: April 16, 2010

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Submitted: April 16, 2010



Tuesday August 11th
I went to bed last night and just did not feel well at all. I wish he would text me more. I guess he doesn't like me. At least I was able to keep my mind busy today. I cleaned house, clothes, mowed lawn, got a phone charger. It would of been better with him. It would mean the world to me if he texted. 
It's weird saying he. But it's easier to say the more I say it. I reached out in hope for support last night. I almost died. In my hand I held my life. 16 pills might have ended it.
For the most part I do what is expected of me. I make my mistakes. I don't know why, but if he doesn't text me its like he is saying he doesn't have an interest anymore. I may send snail mail, but I sure don't get anything back. He is so normal. He is a drama queen. He is in the crowd and possibly the center of attention. He fell into drugs just like many do. 
Me, I'm weird. He'd balance me. I just wish he would text me something. Anything would make this evening easier on me. At least my stomach wasn't sick today. At least I'm not on the verge of death. Lol, Just text me Brandon! That's all I want tonight. 
I was going to read tonight. But procrastination is something I do well. Ap government book is what I have to read. Grr. I have to go to the school Thursday for pics and my schedule that I will probably loose. 
I give in, I have to ask what he wants to do Thursday. Probably drugs. Whatever. I don't do drugs. I should ask if his last boyfriend was into drugs, but thats the last thing we need again after me going nutty last night. I asked what his favorite legal activity was and he still answered smoking pot. LMAO cute =) I'm glad I gave in because we are setting something up for Thursday.
We are back to the drug argument. And jealousy and all those immature dramatic ups and downs that destroy me every time. The truth is I'm not happy with myself. I spill my guts and I get Mhmm. ............ Now its like nothing happened. 
I still have this funny hunch drugs rule his life and I think our loss is inevitable with me being involved. But, he is so attractive it is so funny how fast my feelings change. Maybe I am bi polar. This is like real time journaling. 
Why am I so eager to send my pics to him when he won't probably date me. Is that all he wants is sex? Others close to me have sex upon meeting so someone has to be good in bed. 
I pretty much had an obsession with Brandon at this point. I was under the idea that the whole purpose of a relationship was talking about things. Sometimes disagreeing and than having make up sexting. Well we got into this discussion about drugs again. Of course I still wasn't letting go of the idea he had done drugs and I had no idea that I was the one focusing on looks instead of trying to actually get together and enjoy each others company. I was relying on Brandon for emotional support right off the bat. I don't think that ever works out.  I was inexperienced when it comes to relationships plus in my first attempt at a real one I focused only on the negative. 

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