When I was a younger person about the age of ten or so I wanted to be a pastor. There was something fascinating about their power and their grace. They had such faith and such surprise. They seemed to be highly intellectual and they were something I wanted to follow and to become. As the youngest child I naturally through my biology was drawn to God. I found religion fascinating and very influential. I still see religion in the same light. But like all dreams and thoughts they were shattered by the ways of the world. Destroyed in the sadness that is our beliefs. Bombarded by thoughts that were sparked by motivational words. Thoughts that told me I should not be a pastor.
I was quite disappointed in myself for a long time that I was a fagot. In fact I spent most of my high school life in denial of this. It was tortuous knowing that there was something that was wrong with me. I knew there was something wrong with me. I was attracted to the same sex. I also wanted to become a pastor. And of course I heard the news and thought silently to myself not saying a word about my orientation as I spoke about my interest in being priest. My grandma has always encouraged me to be a priest. I had always wanted to become a priest. But I was very disgusted with my choice of being a homosexual. At the time I felt homosexuality was a sin that was disgusting. To make it all worst was the news about pastors and molestation. The frightening idea was put into my young mind that I to was destined to be put in jail, or spat at by those who once would trust me in the future when I became a pastor.
But, I could not become a pastor. I couldn't come to accept God the way God had intended. God was not described to me the way I describe God to myself and to my friends. God to me was my worst enemy. God didn't want to help me become a pastor. I was in God's eyes according to the church a child molester. I was immoral. I was detestable and despicable. I was a raging roid of a mongrel. Therefore I could not possibly become a pastor. My dream was shattered. My religion and my faith were shattered. I was shattered like the painted glass on the walls in the Catholic churches or the glass on Kristallnacht. My world was shattered.
However I came back to the religious culture recently. I see a very fragile belief system. I see online and in the minds of those around me a weakness in religion. The social structure of religion itself is being destructed not by me and my words but by the words and thoughts of those who teach religion. See religion is broken. It is constantly breaking like ice that had been put in water. Zoroaster broken into Judaism, Islam and Christianity. Christianity broken into Baptist, Lutheran, Catholic and Jehovah’s witnesses. Lutheran separated by the way love is perceived.The Bible has not changed. The bible like the constitution of the United States has remained rather similar for many years. Minus a few alterations the words have remained the same. But, I would be a fool to convince an audience that religion hasn't changed. It continues to be changed through its interpretation and its own ripe age. It is rotting away and I see this and am afraid of what it is it might turn into.
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